Strong

People are always telling me how strong I am, how resilient, how I always bounce back no matter the storm. I'm always told how brave I am and that I am looked at as people's hero for the way I just keep going through the hard no matter what as if I'm some unstoppable force. I'm always told I'll get through it because well, I always do and while yes, all these things are true and wonderful to be told; it's not easy. Yes, I do always rise from the dead, I do always keep going through the fire with gritted teeth but here is what you don't see...

I wasn't ever given a choice. I was born to a young mother and father who still had some raising that needed to be done which meant we did that together and it wasn't always nice and neat. It was messy and hard. When you are a first born child you are the experiment child and all the growth your parents do to become amazing people generally happens after you get grown so your with them through their hard. You get the harsh words, the impatience, the backhand, the tears, the yelling and the exhaustion. You also get the laughter, the times where you act like children together, you get to eat junk food and stay up late together playing games and watching TV, the matching outfits, the hairdo experiments, the whatever you want in the store is yours because there are no other kids to worry about. However, the roller coaster of this can be mentally taxing. I had to be strong, grit my teeth and take it. I had to be the best older sister I could be when the time came as well. I set the example. I was the example.

Daddy and mama didn't know how to love each other because they were two different people, too young, maturity levels too far apart to be able to be in a marriage. They fought too much so they split up. Living the life as a kid of divorced parents is never easy for anyone. I was a rubber band. I had to please everyone while constantly being stretched between the two.

That little girl grew up eventually though and guess what? I still don't have a fucking clue what true love feels like other than my family and my children. I grew up, married young, ended up alone and married. I had to pay the bills, I had to take care of the baby, I had to be the serious one because he was never serious so I had to be serious enough for the both of us. Situations like that leave you very independent, resilient and starved for attention.

I was ripe for the picking when husband #2 came into the picture. It was great at first. It was what I thought an answer to my prayers. Finally, I could rest, I could breath, I could let someone else be strong. I could rely on someone, count on someone else to get the job done, I wasn't the only one holding up a household but all that slowly changed. This time I got to hold up the world while being told what I was doing wrong and how badly I was holding up the world at the same time. By the end, terrified doesn't even begin to cover how me and my children felt. I had to be strong enough to get us out of there and that meant things got much worse before they got better.

Today, I look inside my medicine cabinet and wonder where does it end? How many pills will it take before I feel better? How many pills before I feel strong again? 1, 2, 3,..6,..7,8 when does it end? The list of my mental illness and physical ailments just keep adding up and I'm not even 40. Even putting the pills in my hand makes me tired. Everything is so taxing. Sometimes I cry for no reason other than I'm just so tired. My house is the literal picture of my mind. It is my brain, my brain on fire. I'm tired of my 9-5 job even though I love the work I do. I'm tired of having to have two jobs because there is no one else to provide except for me; I am both mama and daddy. I'm tired of never being at my house that I pay so much money for every month because I have to work 6-7 days a week just to afford to sleep there essentially. I'm tired of life having to be about money and society's rules and working yourself to death! I'm tired of being proper, I'm tired of playing nice, I'm tired of feeling so restless and out of place!

I'm tired of everyone expecting me to just get through it because I always do. I always finds a way, I always find a solution to the problem, I take care of everyone, I would give my last kidney just to save someone else, etc. When do I get taken care of? I'm sorry if I sound selfish but this is what it costs to be strong. I figure everything out myself. Yes, I have friends and family that help me when they can but everyone is busy, everyone is stressed just like me. It's all too much, it's all too loud! Too much noise, too many thoughts! Everyone just SHUT UP!!!

Silence...I need silence. I need trees not buildings, cabins not suburb tract housing, grass not concrete, flowers not gravel. I've always had such a restless spirt, never satisfied for long, never understood fully. I need to be free, I need to run wild. I'm not meant for society. I'm meant to hear the wolves and the owls at night. I'm meant to be in God's sweet Creation. Please God let it be...so I don't have to pay the cost of being strong anymore.