Stephen King Is NOT A Great Writer

Stephen King, the first writer most people think of, isn't all that grand if you really think about it.

Don't get me wrong, he has more than earned the honorific of "Master of Horror", lord knows his books have given me plenty of nightmares.

The thing is, if you've read any of his stories you'll know what I'm talking about.

The concepts this man comes up with are absolutely spectacular, but I think he would profit a great deal more if he employed a ghost writer.

I read the Green Mile when I was in High School and I loved it, it was a bit of a hard read at times, that Wild Bill character was just a terrible bully but all in all a character you love to hate. John Coffee is just the sweetest man, on the book and in the film.

I had never read any of his other stories before then, I hadn't watched the movies, my family didn't like horror movies so we didn't have any when I was growing up. Imagine their surprise when I found out I loved them.

So after the Green Mile, I picked up Christine.

Which was, weirdly, kind of boring. I got through the first five chapters and then I put it down and never picked it back up. I've never seen the movie.

After that, I read Needful Things all the way through which I enjoyed but I was disturbed by a few scenes, not because they were scary but because there was a 12 year old boy going through puberty and having sex dreams about his teacher.

...I did not want to read about that.

Thank god those scenes are few and far between.

I can read books with sex scenes, but don't include kids. It's just really f*cking awkward, okay?

Still, I did enjoy that book.

After that, I watched the Secret Window movie with Johnny Depp. I had the biggest crush on him, and I still do. #AmberHeardIsABitch

I loved that movie, I rented it almost every week from Hollywood Video.

Not Blockbuster, where I grew up that was for the rich kids. We had Hollywood Video that was the knock off version and honestly I loved it more than Blockbuster.

Yes, I'm old enough to remember going to a video rental store on Friday Nights. To be honest, I miss it. Then again I hate interacting with people, so renting movies on Amazon is fine with me.

Anyway, I loved the movie so much, my mother bought me Four Minutes to Midnight. Stephen Kings collection of stories that included the Langoliers and Secret Window, Secret Garden.

OH. my. GOD.

I love the movie and then I read the book, and honestly I can't watch the movie anymore.

I've never said this before, but the movie was SO MUCH BETTER than the book.

I do not say that lightly, as a lover of the written word who dreams of libraries instead of spas, I don't say that often. But when I do, it is unfortunately about a Stephen King book.

I liked the Needful Things movie from the 90's which I just watched last year. I liked the original Stand Mini Series, I HATED the new one that came out last year. And not just because Amber Heard was in it, that filthy lying tw*t. I hated it because it was so raw, and there wasn't a lot of time with the regular heroic characters that you rooted for in the original series.

Though I do love me some James Marsden, I watched it for him. To be perfectly honest, Flagg could get it too.

We're getting off topic, let's circle back to my original point: Stephen King shouldn't be a writer.

Have you read 'It'? I mean FINISHED it? Read it cover to cover, every page. Obviously not in one sitting but at least you can say you finished that behemoth of the written word?

If your answer is you've never picked it up, you were probably intimidated by the sheer size of that book. Fair.

If your answer is you started it, but didn't finish, join the club. I made it halfway through that book and decided I could live without finishing it.

If your answer is yes, you have read that book in its entirety, I feel sorry for you to have some of those scenes stuck in your head.

I didn't get to the part where apparently Beverly has to have SEX with ALL OF THE LOSERS CLUB MEMBERS before they can fight Pennywise, as children. Yeah, I was told there's a scene about this orgy.

Is it true? I don't know.

I'm not googling that. F*&% no. I don't even have a physical copy of the book, I have it on my kindle, but that does not make it any easier to get through.

I don't believe in censorship, while I was growing up no book was off limits. As long as I was reading, my mom didn't mind what it was. I remember one day in homeroom I finished my work so I took out a book (I used to carry 3 recreational books at a time in high school) and it was called the Art of Seduction. This wasn't a sex book or smut or anything, it was about great orators of history from Cleopatra and Caeser to the Mirabel Sisters. Men and women. My teacher yanked the book out of my hands and refused to give it back until he actually opened it and started reading it.

Insert eye roll.

I digress.

Whatever your opinion is on Stephen King, I do think we can all agree that he's got great stories that do terrify us.