Stayed Too Long.

I honestly have so many cringe-worthy stories about me staying in situations for way too long, but this one is the most recent that makes me want to scream when I look back on it. Brace yourself.

There was this dude that I met on tinder, and we seemed to really get along while chatting. Things were flowing really well and we had talked about making music together. I think the first mistake I made was rushing into meeting up, because getting out of the house that night was a bit of a rearrangement for me.

He brought alcohol, but that wasn't a huge red flag for me. We hung out and watched cartoons and a tarot video that night, and it was really fun for a while. One thing I noted in my mind was how excitable he was during the tarot video. Granted, he had never been into divination before that night, but yikes. I can be very bouncy and bubbly but often times when I witness this in other people, it annoys me to no end. Another red flag, but did I take heed? No.

I find myself to be an incredibly complex person, and I say this because I know that sexual intimacy terrifies me, and yet I constantly seek it out in different forms. And this was one of those situations.

It started with me asking him to make out, and things got really steamy. It was after this point that I noticed he started pulling back and becoming less interested in the situation altogether. Did I take heed then? Nope.

Originally, I had told him I wanted to sleep in my own bed but I ended up cuddling with him. This was a huge mistake on my part, because it should have been abundantly clear that he was no longer interested in anything I was putting down. But it's almost like something told me not to act accordingly. Sounds silly, but I continuously went against my greater instincts.

Eventually I was able to sleep, and I woke up earlier than he did, as I'm often an early riser. A tiny part of me knew I should have just left, but I did not. I chose to stick around and wait for him to wake up, because I'm a crazy person at times.

We had talked about waffle house the night before, and I reminded him of it that morning. Though I am very aware of where I went wrong in my actions, I can also say that he was not very forthcoming and this was a huge issue. And it's a bit funny, because he was a Leo and you'd think he'd be better about that. But nope.

He got me a ride home and we exchanged a few texts after that, and then he next texted me back. Oops.

It was so humiliating look back, but thankfully I'm able to extend myself some grace. And if I learned anything from the experience, it's that I should not desire to be liked so much that I allow myself to feel uncomfortable in a situation. And that if somebody truly cares or wants to be around you (barring specific situations), they will make it known to you and there won't be an issue surrounding it.

If nothing else, I hope you got some enjoyment out of my misery! I believe an important part of healing & growth is being able to reflect with compassion, which I very much so had to do to write this. Have a beautiful day!