So She Said She Was a Taurus

My phone vibrated vigorously across the coffee table to notify me that I had just matched with a woman named Avalon. My dating profile was a catfish fried hard, nothing serious, but a feast of content nonetheless. I conveyed a toothy grin with a meme that included yoda, which was well-played by me, it being the digital equivalent to, "I think retro is cool, not old." Only to be followed by a photo that never showed my face but silouhetted my body, kind of like the “who’s that Pokémon” segment that airs right before the commercials. Lastly, sprinklings of witty banter garnished with my assumed taste in good music.

Damn I’m good at being mysterious! The veil of anonymity has landed someone in my DMs. This admittedly is the kind of masterpiece that happens on accident. I began to let my curiosity saunter up and down her profile as well.... she loves to read... ok, nice... looks forward to traveling, ahhhhh and a keen interest in astrology - now there’s some common ground we can both walk on.

So I open with the following,

"What brings you to the app? And if your down, I’d love for us to try and guess each other’s astrological placements in the style of Family Fued."

"But what if I want to be Steve Harvey?" she replied.

We’ve a got a lively one I thought. "Hmmm you bring up a valid concern madam. I suppose you could always just tell me?”

She literally took three minutes to reply, and with the casual hum of the paso doble she replied, “I’m a Taurus.”

"Well Are you a bull or bully?" I said.

"That depends on if your the Matador or the red silk."

"Hmmm, a follow up question then, is Avalon your real name or is that a reference to the fictitious place where King Arthur died?"

"You’ve got some nerve, you’re name is literally left bracket, right bracket, capital D, space, left bracket, right bracket, space, left bracket, right bracket lowercase v, left bracket, right bracket space, left bracket, right bracket, capital D, space, left parentheses space period space right parentheses, space, left parentheses space period space right parentheses, lowercase s."

[]D [] []v[] []D ( . )( . )s

"Ok, ok, yes, it spells pimp tits, I see nothing wrong with that, is your name true or false though?"

"That is my name, but what’s your face?" she asked.

Ten seconds later bannered across my screen, “Avalon has requested to video chat with you” How forward and direct I thought, is now the time to reveal my final form? After all I do feel ravishing in my finest yesterday’s pajamas, no sweat right? I accept. I arrive on screen wearing one of my finest disposable masks, at the sight of me she keeled offscreen in laughter, her video feature was a bit glitchy, but the audio really complimented the alto in her voice.

"So, tell me Pimp tits, what is your true namesake?"

"First name is Volda, last name Mort...but my friends call me Dee for short."

"So Dee, how are you navigating this prelude to the apocalypse?"

Ooh she’s a lil dark, I like it...

"You do realize you just said that out loud and not inside your head right?"

"Yes, I do that often, but I’ve been appreciative of the intentional moment to lean back into myself, a friend of mine - "

But Before I can get the rest of my thought out, I’d soon find out that bulls are color blind. That the muleta being red is so those attendees that could only afford the nosebleed seating could see the bull's rage from afar.

So Avalon began to educate me, that a bull’s true agitation is from sudden movement.... of any kind. Unbeknownst to me I had played a high-stakes game of ring toss that lassoed her right at the septum, she bucked, and then she began to charge.

"Let me guess, you are about to share a testimony about one of your friends, whom with the forced stillness of the pandemic also had their waking life epiphany and today they finally decided to not hit the snooze? Been there done that bought the t-shirt! Self care is for you on-trend, youngins. I’m happy for your friend, but I’m in the book of revelations at this point... if you wanna get biblical!"

Awkward! A stoic pause, one so still she may of soon asked if my screen was frozen. At this point I’m not sure if my announcement of awkwardness was one of those inside my head, or over the PA system. In efforts to make a quick recovery I blurted,

"But you strike me more as a Dueteronomy girl! Because like, Proverbs is foundationless heresay anyway, it’s all just tabloids and tabernacles am-I-right?"

I follow my statement up with awkward reassuring laughter, talking by faith and not by fight ... or something like that. She had began to play footsie with her hooves, and come back into herself, letting the dust in the ring settle with her own reassuring awkward laughter.

"I like you Volda, " she exhaled. "We should continue this convo in person. Perhaps we can see a movie, I know a theater acknowledging CDC regulations."

"Are you asking me to go out-siding with you Avalon? You have to meet my Daddy first."

"That’ll come later love, for now, what’s your Saturday like?"

Another stoic pause, but this time, there was no following movement. The now glitched frozen frame of her face anticipating my Saturday’s availability, to this day, hangs in the gallery of my memory. Turns out, not only is Avalon where King Arthur was wounded and said to have eventually perished, but according to Amazon, it is also is a night-cream that fights anti-aging.