Shut Them Off

Let me preface this "mini memoir" by saying that if you think I'm talking about you, I just might be. I won't use your real name though, so you can't prove anything without admitting that you're the asshole I am referencing.

I write this as a testament to my people: the saintly bartenders that work in small towns and get all the grief and no recognition. I am a sarcastic, disenchanted female bartender in my early 40s. I have worked behind the bar for close to 20 years now. I have worked in all manner of establishments from hotel to chain restaurant to dive bar. I have so many incredible stories about celebrities I've met or customers that left me exorbitant tips for no reason other than I made them smile. I've made some life long friends in this business and cherish those relationships dearly.

Unfortunately for every terrific anecdote, there are two or more unpleasant ones. Anyone who's worked in the industry long term will tell you that there are several "types" of people that come in the bar. We all know about the "Karens" and the families with kids that leave a mess. Everyone knew a line cook that was sleeping with a waitress or a hostess sleeping with the night manager. All of those people are awful, but my least favorite customers are just a little more specific.

1. The Regular

"Regulars" are people that are at the bar either multiple times a week, or just every Friday night after work. They usually order the same drink, and tell the same jokes or play the same Keno numbers. This is their routine, they do their thing and head out. The Regulars that I can't stand are the ones that think they are owed something for being there so frequently. They want an extra shot of booze but get mad when it's added to the check. And don't try charging them for that extra side of ranch they ordered. If someone sits in "their" seat, they will hover around until the other guest gets uncomfortable and moves. I've had Regulars go to the kitchen, through a clearly-marked "Employees Only" door to give the cook specific instructions. Instructions, I might add, that are in addition to the 10 modifications they already gave me when they placed the order. They love shouting your name when you're busy, expecting you to drop everything you're doing to dote on them. I've had Regulars come behind my bar to ask me a question or throw something in my trash can. These Regulars all "know the owner" (yeah, me too, pal) and love to remind you that their money is "keeping this bar afloat". They hardly tip over 15% and sometimes walk out without paying a tab after drinking all night. There is really no cure for the Regular unless you can convince them that there's a better bar in town. For now, I suggest sticking to one word answers and preemptive sentences like "You absolutely can have more ranch, I just have to charge you for it."

2. The Townie

Most times Townies are Regulars and vice versa. The moniker "Townie" applies to someone that grew up (and most likely still lives) in the town in which your bar is located. They know every major historical event for the area, they can tell you what business occupied the building before your establishment, and give you exact directions to anywhere in town. They are usually graduates of the local high school; they still attend the basketball/football/hockey games and still wear shirts or jackets with the school logo. Annoying but harmless, a Townie usually isn't a problem until there is a group of them that have had too much to drink. Then they start bringing up old feuds and yelling at each other across the bar. If you try to shut a Townie off, his friends will rush to his defense. "Oh that's just Ben, he can walk home", as if walking negates the legality behind overserving him. I shut Ben off anyway and predictably Ben shouts "Don't you know who I am?" Yes I do, Ben. You're a big fish in a small pond.

3. Legacy

A subset of the "Townie" group is the "Legacy". A Legacy is the kid of a notorious Townie, usually the father. The Legacy is almost always an alcoholic by 19 and will sneak into the back of the bar where his father and friends think they're invisible when they slip the minor a beer. The Legacy will get extremely drunk and try to start a fight, thinking his family name gives him protection and/or a pass. This is usually where he turns into a full Townie, also throwing out the "don't you know who I am?" catchphrase. Police show up to intervene, but recognize the Legacy, and usually tell him to just go home.

4. The Big Dipper

This one is easily my least favorite. A Big Dipper is someone that chews tobacco while drinking. If I see someone pull a tin of tobacco out, or have a telltale lump in their bottom lip, I make it a point to take a plastic cup and put a napkin in it and slide it across the bar. "Please spit into this cup and throw it in the trash when you're done." Back before I learned this trick, I would empty beer bottles at the end of the night and dump out clumps of chewed tobacco and spit into my sink that I would then have to clean up. Very few things make me violently gag; that's one of them. I once had a Townie/Regular in the bar with some friends. He was in his mid 20s, a local cop and a total asshole. He had that stuffed lower lip that I despise, so I handed him a cup. He smirked but took it back to his table. I watched him drink his beer and come up to the bar for another one, not bringing the empty beer bottle back up. Granted, not everyone does it, some people just leave their empties on the table. But this was different. This was defiant, I could feel it. At the end of the night after everyone had left, I cleared his table of the 5 beer bottles on it. I went to the sink and dumped; ALL five bottles had been spit in. I puked right next to his dip spit. To this day whenever I see him I only give him the cup, and I refuse to wait on him further. I would love to dump one of those dip bottles on his head.

5. Friends With the Owner

Everyone in the industry has heard someone say "I know the owner". Most times it's clear that they don't really know the owner; they think that phrase intimidates staff into giving them what they want. However, sometimes there are really friends of the owner(s) that come in. In my opinion, their attitudes are way worse. Friends of the owners are almost always Townies or Regulars, or a combination of the two. They expect special individual treatment on your busiest nights like refilling their drink immediately or making their food order ahead of others. I've had Friends convince the owner that he "HAD" to order a case of lemonade flavored malt beverages (the brand name rhymes with bikes) because it was their favorite. I and the rest of the bar staff warned him not only would the Friend not drink it after requesting it, but that brand of alcoholic lemonade wouldn't sell because hard seltzers were the current trend. He ignored us and ended up with a case of unpalatable hard lemonade that he couldn't even give away if he tried. Friends of the Owner will try to convince the owner to hire their kids as staff. They convince the owner that sandwiches are a good menu item, even though we throw away unopened expired lunch meat every week. The Friends convince him to open on Tuesday nights despite the lack of business, just so they have a place to hang out. The Friends don't have any restaurant or bar experience but the owners just can't say no. Eventually all their bad ideas drive away good crowds and the bar becomes just a hangout for the owner and these people.

6. The Freeloader

I think Freeloaders are more common in the small town dive bars. Freeloaders are usually Townies, not necessarily Regulars but they are there frequently enough to remember who they are. The Freeloaders like to sit next to a group at the bar that has ordered way too much food for their crew. The Freeloader will eavesdrop and interject a comment or a joke here or there and slowly include themselves in the conversation. Then the Freeloader asks "How's the food here? It looks really good." The unassuming bar patron offers up some of the spread "Would you like some?", to which the Freeloader gives the obligatory "No, I can't take your food!" To which the kind patron says "I insist, we ordered way too much". Before the sentence is finished, the Freeloader has a napkin and is loading it up with food. You can try to offer him a plate, but he will turn it down, because he's leaving now that he's gotten his free food. Sometimes he will sit at the bar, spending his time "making friends" who inevitably buy him drinks. The Freeloader will eat and drink on everyone else's tab and then sneak out when it's his turn to buy. They usually leave no tip after being there for an entire shift.

7. The Gambler

If you've ever worked in a bar with a lottery/Keno machine you can probably name at least one Gambler. The Gambler is very intense and has their own "system" to win, but in reality they're spending $50 to win $10. If you don't play "their numbers" fast enough and they come up as a winning number, you will hear them shout your name and blame you for "losing the jackpot". They shove their tickets under your nose as you're making drinks. They interrupt your conversation with a customer to ask you to check their (almost always losing) tickets. They want you to manually enter their numbers in the machine during a rush when they could just fill out the slip and make it easier. Good Gamblers are usually quiet, they tip you a small percentage when they win big, or buy rounds of drinks for the bar. Bad Gamblers lose more than win, expect you to put them first, and after spending hundreds on lottery and a big beer tab, they leave you nothing for your efforts.

8. Ima Bartender

Picture yourself at the bar making a drink. You're measuring the shot of bourbon and adding the cola when you hear "That's how you make those? Hmm, I do it differently." Oh look, it's Ima Bartender. Ima is the customer that likes to observe your every move and give critiques. Her motives are part show-off and part attempt at "solidarity". Her suggestions, however, are almost always the wrong way to do things. "I would have shaken the bourbon and cola.", for example. She uses pint glasses as ice scoops, she over-pours the booze in all her drinks and serves draft beer with either 4" of foam or none at all. She forgets to add drinks to tabs, which makes her the Freeloader's favorite bartender. She will talk over your conversations with the customer, almost always saying "me too!" to everything you say. But if you ask her what's in a vodka and soda, she needs to check the "Bartender's Guide" in her purse. Ima Bartender usually stops criticizing after I make her play "name that cocktail".

There are so many more characters I could list; I'm sure you have your own as well. I know some of you guys think I'm being harsh, but I swear these are real experiences. I didn't name anyone or even tell you the bar or town where I work. This missive is just to make my fellow servers laugh and commiserate. Our industry is not for the weak. We love our jobs just as much as we hate them. Maybe one of these customers will recognize themselves and think twice before being obnoxious to a fellow human.

Nah.

Anyway, I should go to bed, I have an open/close tomorrow. I'm sure Ed the Regular will be at the door 5 mins before opening, demanding to be sat. I will plaster on my best bartender smile, fling the door open and ask him if he's drinking beer or gin today. He will go to the jukebox and play the same 3 songs we listened to at 11:57 yesterday. He will return to "his" barstool, and take a sip of the gin and tonic he ordered before asking for a menu. He will look at it for a long while before ordering the exact same modified burger he had yesterday. I will punch his order in as he talks about the weather, dreaming of the day I win the lottery so I can buy this bar and turn it into a parking lot.

Cheers.