Shattered Brain

I had named this piece of writing “shattered brain” because this is a glimpse of how I think daily and what I try to fight to overcome. I have missing memories, but I’ve tried to piece it together as much as I could for now… to be continued

I had a good childhood yet it’s complicated… I have a lot of unanswered questions that constantly roll around my brain daily. I also have overwhelming anxiety over nothing sometimes. When I say it’s complicated, what I mean is it’s hard to explain how a part of me has been so sad my entire life. Did I have depression my entire life? Did it just reveal its nasty self when I got into adulthood? I don’t know the answer to those questions. I remember growing up happy and content. Was I as happy as I thought? No. My parents got a divorce when I was young and that’s what started it all. There was also a 10-year gap where I didn’t get to see my father. I honestly don’t know if it was 10 years, that’s what I’ve been told but it felt like an eternity to me.

As I grew up my sister and I moved from a few different homes, we had a stepdad that neither of us were fond over. Time went on and my stepdad and mother ended up getting a divorce, so we moved yet again. There was an old fire station next to our house and I would go there when I was down and didn’t want to be around my family. There was also an ice cream shop on the other side of our house that was pretty cool and made summertime a blast for us kids. After they divorced we moved from New York all the way to Wyoming. That’s a very long drive for 2 children to endure. I had a lot of time to think while on that trip. What was next for my sister and I? A new adventure, a new nightmare?

When we arrived in Wyoming, I was going into the 8th grade, I didn’t know anyone. I knew who my mom knew, but they were strangers to us. My mom, sister and I finally ended up making Wyoming our home. Her friends became our family. I made friends in school; I was enjoying life. I grew up and life went on and I was in high school. Made my bad choices, didn’t listen to my mom, fought with my sister, missed my dad, and struggled a lot. I finally realize now as an adult that you don’t realize how much pain you’re in until you do grow up and start putting your life pieces together. My senior year I had no clue what I was going to do with my life. I had met a boy and we ended up having a three-year relationship. It was serious for us, and we were inseparable. As time went on, I started seeing who he truly was, unfaithful. My first serious relationship ended with me in a depression pit. I stopped taking care of myself, I didn’t work, I slept all day every day. I’ve never experienced such a feeling of nothing and emptiness. Why couldn’t I be loved by someone? What was wrong with me? Three years down the line and a lot of hardships we ended our relationship and I decided it was time for me to make another move.

I had a lot of time to think about where I wanted to move and what I wanted to do with my life but at the same time I was in a major pit of depression. I remember driving away from his house in my older Suzuki with my sister in the passenger seat and I’ve never felt so much peace. I knew this was what was best for me, so we called my dad that day and told him we are coming to Oregon! It was finally time for my dad and I to have a true relationship in person not just over the phone. My little sister and I drove from Wyoming to Oregon with just the stuff that we had, my puppy Bella and my car that I had to pray through the drive, because I didn’t know if it was going to make it. We ended up in Oregon and I saw my dad for the first time, and I’ve never felt peace and happiness like I did when I gave him that first big hug!

Time went by and I was still in my state of depression due to my bad breakup. It was 2014 and I was on the hunt for my first job in Oregon. I got one working for a lab here in town. Little did I know I was going to meet my future husband there Alex. I ended up starting my job and on the first day I met him. My heart dropped and I was in ahh over him, we shook hands and I remember pulling my hand back because his hand was wet. He laughed and said he had just put hand sanitizer on and that he was sorry. That day was the beginning to the rest of my life. I went back and fourth from my dads place to work every day. I worked at that lab for three years, and eventually it came to an end because I was getting laid off. The company was changing ownership and my department was going away. I took a severance package and ended up finding out I was pregnant with my youngest, Ella Mae. Alex was married when we first met three years back in 2014. He had 2 kids of his own and his wife and him ended up getting a divorce. Alex and I through our time working together became best friends; I’ve never had someone care about me and treat me the way that he had treated me. At the end of 2016 we had moved in together, and I was a stay-at-home mommy of 2! Imagine that being single than going to a relationship that also had two kiddos that went with him. I absolutely fell in love with his kiddos on day 1. I remember we took the kids to see trolls and Carter my oldest has always remembered that.

I was a stay-at-home mom of two and pregnant with our third. In December of 2017, Ella Mae was born, and boy did our lives change. I must say going from two kids to three is drastic. We were outnumbered but we were a family of five and loving life with our new baby girl. Later did I know that I would end up with postpartum depression. I thought to myself I was just depressed and now I feel even worse than I did the first go around. I was scared and I felt alone even though I wasn’t. My depression had taken a toll on me and had stuck around for a few years.

I ended up getting a doctor and getting on some medications, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a major panic attack disorder. In my head I didn’t understand how I got this way, then I realized my entire childhood and all my trauma had finally turned my brain into mush. My kids are older now and I still struggle with my mental illness daily. Some days or good and others can be bad. My husband on the other hand has been there for me through all the good and dark times and I’m so grateful and lucky that I had found such an understanding and caring man. I will always struggle and have this mental illness but all I know is that I must keep fighting it. Everyday is a new day that I am grateful to be living. I have three amazing, beautiful kids that I truly feel like I don’t deserve them at times. They are my saving grace, and I don’t know where I would be without my family.

My mom made mistakes, my dad did, I did we all did. Do I wish things were different, do I wish I had a different happier story to tell? Of course, but I turned into the woman I am today because of all my hardships, and I want my story to help someone else out like me. I want to inspire people to never give up on themselves and the people they truly care and love. Life is way to short and I will not let this mental illness control me anymore. I will stop this vicious cycle and I will be happy. I have finally found my home, my true happiness. I’m stronger than I was yesterday, and I want to be an inspiration to my kids. I want them to have that happy life that I wish I had.