Secret Letter

There's something about mortality that makes us want to take control of the uncontrollable. A few days ago, I wrote down my final wishes—not because I'm planning to go anywhere, but because after eighteen years of living with the noise in my head, I needed to do something that felt like putting my hands on the wheel. I'm no more suicidal now than I was at fifteen; I just needed to vent, to organize the chaos, to pin down something concrete in a life that's felt anything but.

And in its not-so-greatest way, I recite this note and bring up all the dread that grounded a lot of anger in my reality after I shared what it was I wanted on the event of my death, so my afterlife, wherever that may be, will have peace regarding.

To my loved ones,

I am writing this letter to share my final wishes with you. While this may be difficult to think about, I want to ease your burden during a challenging time by clearly expressing my preferences. Please know that these wishes come from a place of love and consideration for all of you.

My Wishes for After I'm Gone

When my time comes, I want my body to be transformed through human composting (natural organic reduction) using a service like earthFuneral or similar providers. I want my body to be transformed into soil that can nourish the earth. As a symbol of regrowth and transformation, something we all have buried about ourselves in these modern times. I would like the soil to be shared among my family members and closest friends so they can use it in their gardens or in ways that are meaningful to them. This way, I can continue to help things grow and be part of your lives in a way.

Celebrating My Life

I want you to hold a celebration of life for me - I want people to gather, share happy memories, and celebrate the time we had together rather than focus on sadness, regret, and disbelief. Please hold this gathering in the redwoods, somewhere peaceful and natural that reflects my love of nature and time as it lapses through days, to weeks, to years.

I'd like people to wear colors - no black, please! I think about that scene in Coraline where the Other Mother gives Coraline options on what color eyes she could have, like it mattered in the end. Let this moment in our lives be vibrant and full of life. I'd love for everyone to plant a tree together during this time, using some of the soil I've become. This way, we can all be part of creating new life. Make it a joyful day with good food, laughter, and stories about the times we shared.

What I Want You to Remember

Remember the laughs we shared and the adventures we took together. Life is meant to be lived fully, with joy and curiosity. I hope I showed you that it's okay to take risks, to explore, and to find humor even in difficult moments.

To my friends and family, I love you so much. I know I don't say it enough and these last few years have been tough and loud, but thank you for sticking by my side while I tried to regrapple the situation and pull myself out of the water. Your patience, your presence, and your unwavering support meant everything to me.

What Brought Me Joy

My baby brother and my step brother - watching them grow up and being part of their lives. My friends Cassandra, Nikki, Jake, Roxanne, Sally, Fred, and Michael - you all brought so much light and laughter into my world. I know some of you couldn't make it to my funeral, but thank you for being part of my life anyway, even if in some instances you and I may not have had a choice in the matter. I'd like to thank Nikki for growing up a long my side, I'd like to thank Jade for bringing comfort through my struggle and shock in loss, I'd like to thank Jake for always being by my side even when I didn't see it. There are a lot of people I would like to thank, but most of all, Brittney, for helping me find God. That gift of faith changed everything for me, and I'm eternally grateful for your guidance and love.

My Belongings

I have two boxes of art, maybe more by the time this gets out that I'd like distributed among my friends. Please share these pieces so that each of you has something to remember our time together.

In My Memory

If anyone wishes to make donations in my memory, I would be honored to have them go to The Hemispherectomy Foundation and The Brain Recovery Project - these organizations do important work supporting people on difficult journeys, and I'd be honored to have my memory support their missions.

So there it is. My final wishes, out in the open. I don't know if anyone will ever need them, and honestly, I hope they don't for a long time. But having them written down—having said it—takes some of the power away from the thoughts that try to control me. I'm not done yet. I'm still here, still figuring it out, still learning to live with the weight of everything I've carried. This isn't an ending. It's just me, taking back a little bit of control.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting through the noise, still trying to make sense of things. Writing this didn't make me feel morbid or hopeless—it made me feel lighter, like I'd finally put something down that I'd been carrying for too long. Maybe that's all this was ever meant to be: not a plan, but a release. A way to say, "Here's what matters to me," in a world that doesn't always let us speak that clearly. For now, I keep moving forward, one day at a time. Writing this wasn't about giving up—it was about letting go. Letting go of the fear, the what-ifs, the noise that's been running through my head since I was fifteen. I don't know what comes next, but I know I'm not ready to leave yet. There are still trees to plant, still laughs to share, still moments I want to be part of. These wishes will sit here, quiet and ready if they're ever needed. But for now? I'm choosing to stay.