Second Chances

I turned the page to the last chapter of Voyager, the third installation in the Outlander series. I was supposed to be cleaning but who can resist more Jaime and Claire? I sighed and dropped the book back on the table. I headed towards the kitchen but stopped when my phone chimed. A sign to forgo cleaning? An annoyance, more likely.

"Huh, friend request. Probably some weirdo I don't even... Matt Rivers.. whoa, um... It's been years, decades. How did he even.. Well, why not? He can just join the rest of the list that sees my posts and doesn't react and I'll do the same because Facebook is really just for mindless scrolling until you fall asleep."

Resigning myself to cleaning, I started the water for dishes which took forever to heat in that apartment. That place was tiny but the building had history, erected in 1925. I was a sucker for history. The owner was not. There had been no real attempt at preserving anything but he had taken every shortcut and put out the bare minimum effort to keep the place standing and functional. I didn't enjoy the place itself but the location was great and it was cheap. These musings were broken into by my phone chiming yet again. What now?

Matt: Hey! How are you? It's been what? 20 years?

Am I really going to respond to this at seven in the morning?

Beth: Hey! Yeah, I think it's been a little more than that, actually. I'm great! How are you?

I guess so. I really needed to clean up today. I was also dying to know if Jamie and Claire would find each other before the book ended or would I have to wait until the fourth book arrived in the mail? And why do people say that? No one says they're not fine or great. The truth was I woke up and went through my daily routine but I was merely content with life as opposed to being excited about it.

Matt: I'm good. I recently moved back here.

Beth: Oh, okay. I never left. I had my daughter here so now I'll be staying until she flies the nest. I've heard you've been all over the place though. You ever stay still long enough to have a family?

Matt: I have a daughter as well. She's only with me part time, though. She doesn't live here.

Beth: That must be difficult. I can't imagine being more than a few miles from Savannah.

Matt: It is tough. I don't talk about it much. Well, I have to head off to work. It was great chatting with you. Mind if we keep it up?

Beth: That would be great. Have a good day at work.

It would?

Matt: Thanks. Talk to you later.

I just talked to Matt Rivers. I was glad he hadn't brought up any of the times we had dated. That would have been really weird. I went back to the kitchen to resume the dishes. Great! The water had gotten cold.

I didn't hear from Matt anymore that day and I didn't expect to hear from him again. I did find myself thinking back, though. I remembered how we met. He was just this annoying kid in the bus seat behind me with goofy hair. He was actually pretty obnoxious. Then a year later, he grew his hair out some and grew up a few inches and well...You know how it goes. Not all those memories were good. He was the one to break things off. For a teenage girl, that was the end of the world. No one will ever look at you like that or kiss you like that again. The two of you were destined to be together and you couldn't believe believe that he didn't feel to the depth of his soul like you did. Right. Just like Beauty and the Beast and all the other Disney princesses. Why couldn't he feel the love tonight? We were all grown up now and knew better, but I remembered those butterflies in my stomach. I went and got my yearbook out of the closet before bed. I leafed through the pages and put 90s Top 40 on Pandora. I had just gotten to the page with Matt's senior picture when Gangsta's Paradise started playing. I laughed out loud at the coincidence. We had seen Dangerous Minds in the theater together. We watched almost all of it. What did you expect? We were teenagers. He was a great kisser. I closed my yearbook.

"Okay, that's enough of that. Ancient history."

I woke up to the alarm the next day like every morning. I listened for the familiar sound of my daughter, Savannah, rummaging through her closet and drawers before feeding the cats and heading to the bathroom. I went back to my room to get my scrubs and head to the bathroom when the phone chimed.

Matt: Good morning. Is it too early? I hope I didn't wake you.

What the...?

Beth: Um, I'm up. I have to drop my daughter off at school pretty early. Then I'll be heading off to work.

Matt: Oh, okay. What kind of work do you do?

Beth: I'm a physical therapist. You?

Matt: I'm an electrician. I have to head to work here shortly myself.

Beth: Okay, um, when did you move back?

Crap! What kind of stupid, random question was that?

Matt: A few months ago. I just bought Universal passes a couple weeks ago. Have you seen all the Harry Potter stuff?

Beth: No, I haven't. I haven't been to Universal since I was a kid. I love Harry Potter though.

Matt: Cool. Me too.

Beth: Hmm. Did you see the movies or read the books?

Matt: Both.

Beth: I don't remember you ever having a book in your hand.

Matt: Ha ha. That was then.

Beth: Well, I have to get my kid to school. I'll talk to you later.

Matt: I'd like that. Have a good one.

Huh. He messaged me again. That was fine. It was two grown adults who hadn't seen each other in forever catching up. No big deal. Maybe we'd become friends.

Two days later, I hadn't heard anymore from Matt. I was scrolling through Facebook when I noticed he had posted about buying something for his Harley. A motorcycle? I clicked to his profile page. There were quite a few pictures of his Harley. I was terrified of motorcycles, among other things. I had been invited to go kayaking a few months ago. All I could think of was being eaten by an alligator.

Beth: Hey, how's it going? I noticed your post earlier. When did you start getting into motorcycles?

Matt: Hey. Oh wow, it was forever ago. My early twenties, I think.

Beth: Have you ever wrecked?

Matt: No, and don't jinx me like that. I take it you've never been on one.

Beth: No way. I prefer vehicles with seatbelts. So, I was thinking we could meet up sometime, maybe have some coffee or something.

Matt: Yeah, that'd be great. How about tomorrow? I think my afternoon will be open.

Beth: That's perfect actually. I'm off tomorrow.

Matt: Okay. I'll message you tomorrow when I finish up at work so we can figure out the details.

What just happened? I only meant to ask about the damn motorcycle and now we're meeting up? Wait, tomorrow. Oh, God, I haven't done laundry yet. What am I going to wear? Actually, I know just the thing.

The next day, I was waiting at Starbucks around four wearing my 9 3/4 t-shirt when Matt pulled up on his Harley, of course. He was taller than I remembered. He was broader in the shoulders. He smiled at me and I felt myself start to blush. Oh, is he going to want to hug me? Or shake my hand? Why am I so awkward?

"I love the shirt!" he said. He stopped about a foot or so away from me, almost as if he sensed my nervousness.

"Thanks, I hope you didn't ride that here thinking you're going to get me on it."

"Not at all. I ride it every chance I get, passenger not required, but if you change your mind..."

"I'm heading inside now."

Caffeinated drinks in hand, we made our way to a table in the corner and then he asked, "So, what have you been up to? I mean, I know you can't condense twenty years into a few sentences."

"Mostly, being a mom. I had my daughter at twenty-three and honestly, I don't really feel like my life had much direction before that,"

Ouch, I just admitted something I wasn't proud of right away. Great start, Beth!

"Really? You were one of the smart kids, though. Didn't you make straight As? "

"Ha, ha. Not exactly. It was As and Bs for the most part. I did go to college long enough to get my Associate's but I also got really sidetracked. The friends I made were all working and living together and having children. Monkey see, monkey do. Not to mention the partying."

"Oh really? Not such a good girl after all."

"Hey! Not nice. Doesn't everyone go through a party phase?"

"Most people, yeah"

"Okay, so your turn. I know you were in the military."

"Yeah, as soon as I graduated. There's parts of that I don't talk about."

"So you were in combat, then."

He just nodded and we were quiet for a bit.

"When I got home, it took a little bit of time for me to figure out what I wanted to do. All I knew was being a soldier. I failed at first, but learned from it. That's when I went to school for electrical work. It's pretty straightforward. There's a problem and you track it down to its source and find the solution."

"If only life were that simple, that straightforward." I said. "The answers are never obvious. You try to go with what feels right and sometimes it blows up in your face."

The time passed quickly but it didn't feel like it. I was surprised at how comfortable I felt talking with Matt. I didn't even notice the other people in the place. It was like we were in our own little bubble.

"So, how about you let me take you for a ride around the mall property back there?" he asked. "I won't go fast, I promise."

"Oh wow, um, I don't know. I'm honestly terrified of motorcycles."

"Why? They don't bite."

"No, they don't but getting into an accident on one does not have a good survival rate."

"Ah, I see. Life is short and it's kind of boring if you never take any chances."

I looked in his eyes and chewed my lip, considering. I really had enjoyed spending time with him and I wasn't quite ready for that to end. Screw it. It was just a parking lot.

"Okay, you win. Let's go."

Matt pulled the bike back into the Starbucks parking lot, next to my car.

"That wasn't so bad, was it? We're all still in one piece."

"Yeah, it actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I thought I would feel like I was going to fly off but it wasn't like that at all."

"Maybe next time we could ride on some back roads. Sound good?"

"I might be able to handle that."

"I was also thinking I could take you to dinner?"

"On the bike?"

"Probably not. I was thinking of going to a nicer restaurant."

"Like a date?"

Oh shit. Keep it together. Don't say anything stupid.

"Yeah, a date."

"Okay, yeah, I'd like that."

"Is there somewhere around here that you'd like to go?"

"Have you been to Patio 850?"

"This is a really great place. I'm glad you suggested it." Matt said, as we were leaving.

"Yeah, it is. I had a really good time tonight."

As we were walking back to Matt's car, he took my hand in his. He walked me to the passenger side. He tilted my chin up a bit, leaned down and kissed me gently. It wasn't like I remembered from all those years ago. It was soft but I could feel the heat behind it that he was just barely holding back. A part of me wanted very much to meet that heat with my own. He pulled away and looked into my eyes and smiled.

"I should get you home. It's a school night. I know you have to get up early with your daughter."

"Yeah, I should. I wish I could stay out longer though."

The drive back to my place was mostly quiet. The radio was playing and the song "Shallow" came on. I didn't realize I was singing along until Matt said, "Wow, I had no idea you could sing like that."

"Oh, yeah, thanks, " I said, blushing. "My mom used to tell me I started singing as soon as I could talk. Do you not remember that I was in the chorus?"

"Now that you mention it, yeah. So we'll have to go out again so I can hear you sing more."

"I'd like that. I'm surprised you didn't invite me back to your place."

He chuckled quietly. "Not on the first date. Is that what you were expecting?"

"I don't know. I didn't really know what to expect."

"I'm a pretty straightforward kind of guy. If I wanted sex, I would have suggested drinks at a bar, not a romantic dinner. Is that what you want from this?"

"No. That's not what I want.. all this has been so unexpected.. I'm not sure what I want."

"And?" He looked at me, waiting, like he knew I was holding back, which I was.

"I need to think about it first. Good night, Matt."

I walked into my apartment trying to figure out what just happened. Why did I say that? Did I just ruin everything? We were having a really good time. I was starting to like him.. again? Hmm, about that. All I knew about him was what we had talked about so far which wasn't much really. We've met up twice but that's not enough to really know someone. I was assuming that he was going to turn out to be like some of the other men I'd dated. Was I trying to push him away already? Is that what I really wanted to do?

I tossed and turned most of the night. I dragged myself though work the next day. I picked up fast food on the way home since I lacked the energy to make dinner. My daughter an I were eating our chicken nuggets and watching Pirates of the Caribbean for the hundredth time. I heard the chime of my phone just as Jack Sparrow was telling his captors that this would be the day they almost caught him.

Matt: Hey. I thought we could talk about what happened.

Beth: Okay.

Matt: I'm not sure what's making you hesitate, if it's something from high school or maybe some asshole you dated since then. I've been through a lot in my life. I've grown as a person. I don't expect you to take my word for it. I'd rather show you."

Beth: I'm open to that. I've been walked on a lot in my life so I don't trust people easily. I would need to take this slow. Is that okay?

Matt: Well, I'm not going anywhere so I have time.

Matt and I had a picnic at the park the following weekend. Fried chicken, potato salad, etc. Right as I took a sip of my sweet tea, he asked, "Did you always want to be a physical therapist? What did you want to be when you were younger?"

I smiled, remembering back to my days in dance classes and in chorus, performing on the stage. "I wanted to be on Broadway. I wanted to go to college and major in musical theater."

"Well, after hearing you sing the other night, that doesn't surprise me. Why didn't you go for it? What happened?"

I sighed, "My dad. He wasn't supportive. He acknowledged my ability but told me I needed a backup plan because not everyone makes it. So I didn't go that route. I changed my major multiple times, trying to find something that fit but that was also acceptable to him. Physical therapy was the first time that I chose a career path that was just for me."

"Huh, I think something was wrong with your dad's hearing because you have a great voice. You could have made it."

I blushed and looked down at my potato salad. "What about you?"

"Oh, as soon as I joined ROTC I knew that's where I wanted to be. My grades were pretty average. I wasn't one of the smart, nerdy kids like you. If I hadn't gotten injured, I'd still be in the military."

"Hmmm, in which case, you wouldn't have come back here."

"Probably not. Come over here."

I moved to his side of the table and leaned against him. He put his arm around me and we sat in silence for a while.

"Do you regret how things turned out?" I asked.

"Sometimes." He pulled me in closer. "But not right now."

The time started to fly a little then. Matt and I spent as much time together as we could. I had been on my own for so long. I had forgotten how it felt to have someone to hold, someone to lean on. I would call him before going to bed and we'd talk about our day or make date plans. We talked about my daughter and his and all the worries and hopes that came with being a parent. He even listened to me go on and on about my obsession with Outlander. And yes, I even began to look forward to heading out on the motorcycle, something I never thought in a million years I would enjoy. I felt like I could face anything with him by my side. I began to think of my future in a different way and how well he fit into that picture. There was, however, one more step before starting that journey.

Matt: Good morning, beautiful. Would you be free for lunch today? There's something I want to talk to you about.

Beth: That's quite a coincidence. There's something I want to talk to you about too.

Matt: Oh, so you've finally come to your senses and realized you're way too good for me.

Beth: Shut up. Where are we having lunch?

Matt: I was thinking Saigon. Say about one?

Beth: Perfect. I'll see you then.

I put a little more effort in my outfit than I usually would for lunch but I was excited about wanting him to meet Savannah. I was literally bursting to tell him. I was, admittedly, a little nervous. She was a teenager, after all and particular, and maybe a little too blunt at times. I hoped they would get along well, given time. I walked in and spotted Matt at a table in the corner. I leaned down to kiss him before sitting across from him. I couldn't help but notice that he looked a little nervous too and started to wonder what his news was.

"I already ordered drinks and an appetizer."

We chatted randomly over our meal until I couldn't bear the anticipation anymore. I cleared my throat and took a sip of my tea.

"So I've been thinking. We've been seeing each other for about five months now. I think things are going really well."

"I do, too. Beth...I.."

"I was thinking it was maybe time to introduce you to Savannah. Maybe you could come over for dinner this weekend or we could go somewhere like Disney Springs."

"I... wow.. that really means a lot to me.. but.. that can't happen."

"What?"

"I've been offered a job. It makes considerably more than I make now..."

"Well, that's amazing news!"

"It is. It's just that the job is in Tennessee and I have to be there in two weeks to start. "

"Two weeks? In Tennessee. " I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. How could this happen? Two seconds ago, I was picturing us as a family and now...

"It's so much closer to my daughter. I could see her so much more than I do now."

Oh God. I can't even protest. It's about his kid. I wanted to cry and run out the door but I pushed it all down.

"Well then, that's the most important thing and I'm happy for you. I really am." I felt the tears start to form in my eyes and tried to blink them back. I had to hold it together. Matt noticed and took my hand. He took care of the check and then walked me to my car.

"What if we try to make this work anyway? You and Savannah could move with me, not right away, of course, but soon."

"I don't know... I.. she still has two years before she graduates. I'd be taking her away from her friends, her father. I can't. My life is here. "

He took both my hands in his. "So then, this is goodbye. Wow. I'm really sorry it has to end like this."

"I'm not. Even though this is where it ends, I got the chance, a second chance, to get to know the amazing man you've become. Would you kiss me goodbye?"

And he did. He kissed me like it was the end of the world. If this was a movie, the wind would have picked up and blown my hair back while the camera panned around in a slow, intense circle with a musical crescendo in the background. This wasn't a movie and the only music was the shattering of my heart. He pulled me to his chest and I hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go. I looked in his eyes one more time and I got in my car and drove home.

He was gone. Externally, my life went back to the way it was before but inside, I felt like a part of me was missing. I felt like he had taken a part of me with him and I was in mourning. I went to work, I took care of my daughter , and handled all the day to day responsibilities like I always had. It all felt empty and repetitive. I was doing laundry, just like I did every other Sunday. As I was folding up my jacket, something fell out of the pocket. I picked it up off the floor and unfolded it. It was a scrap of paper that said open auditions and a website. Oh, that was from at least a year ago. The local community theater was holding auditions for a musical they were putting on. I had thought about going but chickened out. It had been years since I had performed anything. Out of curiosity, I pulled up the website to find that they were once again holding open auditions. It's ridiculous! I couldn't. Then I remembered riding on the back of Matt's motorcycle, the feeling of being in the wind. If I could do that...why not this? I had taken a chance on Matt, and it had hurt in the end, but I didn't regret a thing. I smiled and began to consider song selections for my upcoming audition.