SCAPEGOAT

It is human nature to want to belong, a basic need for most of us. I'm here as I'm supposed to tell you of a time I didn't belong, but I find myself struggling to pinpoint just one time that stands out from the rest. I feel like my whole life has been one situation after another where I just didn't quite fit in. I guess it all started where it probably started for you as well, and that's in school.

Primary school, where the struggle to fit in started. I didn't know who I was at the age of 6 (I still don't really know who I am at 29 either). I didn't know that everyone is not worth the same. I didn't know that people won't like me for the fact that I am me. Humans can be so mean, even children, are mean. I don't remember a lot about my time at school, I guess my brain has blocked out most memories to protect me from the pain. However, I do remember never truly fitting in and I'll explain what I'm talking about.

Let's go back to grade 3 to grade 7 (I won't even begin to try and explain high school), these years would mentally drain me and set me on the path to depression, BPD and anxiety. There were the popular girls, a group of about 6, which to this day, I could still name all of them, but the story doesn't need their names. Everyone wanted to be in their group, it's the only group the boys would give attention to. I was accepted into that group in grade 3, I didn't know why at the time but it made me feel good. Grade 3 as far as I can remember, was a good year. I even remember going to the movies with two or three of those popular girls in Grade 3 and I guess I felt pretty special. It took me years into adulthood to finally have the wisdom that explained to me why I was "accepted" into their group and I am about to tell you a story of something that happened and then share my lightbulb moment.

Grade 4, the year it all changed, I know, that didn't take long. This day is a normal kind of school day and this story takes place during the lunch break. The boys and girls are mucking around and flirting as per usual (I'm just a shadow in the background at this point). A couple of the boys and girls then started to play fight. One thing led to another, then they randomly asked me to join in. As soon as I did, all of a sudden, one of the boys had a pretty deep scratch on the back of his neck. Everyone immediately blamed me. I hadn't even touched this boy but everyone was so certain it was me and kept telling it was me. They were so convincing, that even I started to question myself (I literally had not touched this boy). The boy and I got sent to the Vice Principal's office and she went off at me (she was the scariest woman I had ever met). Each time I told her I didn't do it, the angrier she got. She thought I was lying and even the boy was saying I did it. I got 2 weeks lunch time detention for it.

Now let me share with you the lightbulb moment I had as an adult one day when this memory randomly came to mind. I wasn't "accepted" into the group, I wasn't a true member of their group and I most definitely wasn't their friend, I was the expendable one, the scapegoat. That day back in grade 4, they used me, I was the one person in the group that they didn't care about getting into trouble. I didn't do it and they didn't care. I know exactly who did do it and even back then I knew who did it, but it was my word against 6. The girl who did it, had really long nails, like I'm talking grown woman nails! Myself on the other hand, had no nails, like boy short to the skin nails. I physically could not make the cut to the boys neck that was done. The Vice Principal was useless, she should have taken one look at my nails and seen that logically it can't have been me. I guess this was my first lessons that life isn't fair.

Grade 5 to 7, it didn't getting any better. I had a best friend and the popular group had a way of turning us against each other. Do you want to know how that was? They "accepted" us into their group one at a time and never at the same time, repeatedly. Yes, you read that correctly, how evil right! So when they decided they liked my best friend, my best friend was invited to be in their group and I wasn't. When they would get bored of her and wanted a new toy to play with, they would invite me to be in their group and start being mean to my best friend. We were both so badly treated and manipulated by them but both so desperately wanted to be part of their group. Thankfully we never stopped being best friends with each other but thanks to our desire to be accepted and the mean group having so much control over us, our friendship was tested more than once. We wasted so much time trying to fit, precious time that we can't get back. Time we could have been using to enjoy our lunch breaks together making good memories instead of the sad example of memories we do have.

I guess the moral of the story is, don't fit in, sometimes it's really not worth it.