saving myself

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start, I work at a Canadian casino, "All Fun and Games All the Time", that's our motto. I have worked here for over 25 years.

I could tell so many stories about this place but there's only one I want to tell, Its about me and how I had to fight the hardest fight of my life, how I was failed, How I came back and lastly how soap is saving me.

In May of 2008 I was at work, My regular night shift, a shift that started me on a path that would change my life forever, It caused me to loose my marriage, my home and a part of myself that I don't even want back.

I will at this point give a trigger warning to anyone who has experienced abuse, stalking and mental illness caused by another person, I am truly sorry for anyone who has experienced this.

It was a bust Thursday night and the casino was rockin, I was supervising the roulette tables and we were having a blast. So many people, the lights, the sound of the ball and dealers calling their game, it was good, it was where I wanted to be. We had regular players and new, nothing unusual. We also had one odd little man who would come to play, he never talked, only ever bought in for 20$ and would place infrequent bets until his money was gone, then he would leave. There were a lot of things about this man, this very dangerous man, that i didn't know but I do now.

The night went on and it was time for my break so I passed on the game info to my releif and went on my break, I wish I could say what I did on that break but I can't. I came back from my break and went to my place at roulette, there were a lot of people. This casino is in a renovated Train Station, not the best set up but very beautiful. I went around a pillar at the foot of the table and pushed my way through the crowd. People were smiling at me, saying hello, very cordial and then I saw it. The odd little man was standing at the edge of the table as I passed, he looked at me and smiled, I smiled back, he stuck his foot out behind him as if to trip me but I saw it and stopped, he laughed, I laughed and then I stepped forward. When I was directly behind him he acted.

Suddenly , his hands were on my legs and I was being driven backwards into the people, i felt my back hit the rail around the Pit, and then I was being lifted , up and over the rail, I heard voices yelling Hey and then the hands were gone, I felt other hands on my back, stopping me from going over the rail, I fell, I landed on my feet and like in a fog I went straight into the closed off pit area, I was safe.

The relief supervisor asked me what happened and she was so concerned, my dealers were looking and I waved them all off, Im ok, I dont know what happened, then I turned to check a bet and down I went, my knee damaged by the act of that odd man and disturbed by turning around.

A lot of things happened very badly that nigh tand to this day I'm not sure why. The people who have the answers won't tell me, self preservation I suppose.

I called my pit boss to tell them what happened, he asked if I was ok and I said NO! this little shit of a man attacked me. He said he would come and remove him, This took 2 hours to happen, they said they wanted to let him play out his chips and not cause a disturbance, the formerly odd little man, now the attacker, sat and played his chips as if nothing happened, and I just waited for action not wanting to show weakness. Haha weakness, I should have done something but I just ignored him. All fun and games.

When the attacker was finally removed by the pit manager and security, they walked him to the bank to cash his chips then back past my table, he waved at me. The pit manager just carried on. The attacker got a 24 hour ban... and I got life. All fun and games

This is a long story and someday Ill write a book ( and burn it) but that's not today.

My employer didn't call the police and when I did, they wouldn't supply the video. Cops did nothing.

When the attacker started stalking me at work, my employer did nothing and eventually the attacked followed me home and stalked me there too, my employer tried to talk me out of calling the police , said they would protect me and so I didn't. They didn't either, All fun and games.

This continued until the day came that I went home and went to bed and stayed there for a month. So much to tell I don't know how to in so little words.

I started seeing a Dr. and thanks to her I was able to get a restraining order but the attacker was never charged because my employer wouldn't back me up. I was off work for three years. I went back with such difficulty and shortly after I was back, the restraining order expired and without a reason for a new one, the attacker was free to start again,, and he did.

from 2008 until 2018 I fought my employer to do something to make me, make all of us safe from this man, I have terrible PTSD and I still struggle with anxiety and hypervigilance, but I have found a way to move forward.

Soap , I cant even believe it, soap makes everything clean and new looking again and so soap saved me. I needed a way to relax and take time for my brain and soul to heal and after all the mental heath treatments and exposures I found that all I needed was soap and soap is beautiful, All the colours, scents, natural, and not so natural, the wrappers, the labels , all of it, it feeds me and helps me be real, I have a future now. I have purpose and am creative again and I can relax my tired brain. I am a soapier, I am OKITOWINA, I am free.

I'm sorry that I couldn't write more, I will write my book and maybe Ill write a soap book too.

thanks for listening