Savage Alchemy

Savage alchemy is a concept I came up with while struggling through my life to process the ass load of trauma I have survived since birth. I have always appreciated learning new things and challenging why we all do things the way we do. My brain works so unlike anyone I know. I have since the earliest of memories been able to digest very large concepts, break them down to their core components, and then connect them in a new way that I feel is much more balanced and understandable.

For my life finding a meaning behind the human condition, finding an explanation as to why something is the way it is, and the challenge of discovering a way to affect change in the future is what drives me. I identify with alchemy because in the past it was applied to many different areas of life. During the dark ages man sought to break down the metal elements and reconfigure them to create gold the most desirable substance at the time. In China the people would attempt to study the composition of plants and create a life elixir combining just the right ingredients. So to me the purpose of alchemy was to take something, breaking it down for better understanding, blending certain properties of it with another substance that had been broken down as well, and then forging it into an entirely new substance. This new substance having the purpose of taking each items strongest attributes and bringing them together in a way to make something that was stronger, more stable.

My entire life I felt as though I was a pair of scales. My zodiac sign is Libra and I identified with this from an early age because even as a child my moods would swing from extreme highs to extreme lows. Seemingly insignificant things would trigger the slide from one to the other. Doctors would tell me an my mother many different things. I was diagnosed with so many disorders by the time I was in my mid-teens I felt as though I was doomed to an existence of one incorrect diagnosis after another. Each diagnoses bringing with it it's own equally zombifying medication which did nothing but mask the imbalance by making me null and void.

After doctors failed there were counselors, therapists, and religious advisors all who sought to talk the balance into me. Some suggested my low economic upbringing, coupled with a broken home, and being a victim of domestic violence all were the explanation. I was told to pray for salvation, which I could never truly believe in, to me an all knowing all powerful God would never allow one of his creations to suffer as I had with no meaning behind it. Also, one side of my family being Roman Catholic and the other being Jehovah Witness I could not believe in a God that would condemn another for not having the same set of beliefs. To me faith and hope are the most precious commodity on this Earth, and no person should ever be judged or left out for having it, no matter what they believe in. The counselors and psychologists would attempt to explain whatever mental health condition they were convinced I had at the time. The issue there was, I never fit into one condition completely, and my symptoms were so many and so varied. Their approach of lets try this and make it fit, left me believing that I was truly a person who was broken beyond repair. So at the age of 15 I set out on a mission to make my life make sense to me.

After feeling as though medical and religious fields failed me my goal was to explore myself and find healing in my own way. In high school my amazingly wonderful World Civilization's teacher inspired me and my journey in a way my gratitude has never been fully expressed. She is the one who first taught me about Alchemy and the ability to remove my thinking from what is right and wrong, possible and impossible, while analyzing a situation. During this time period the heroine of my life my mother, inspired me to chase all explanations. She was always different. Also one never to fit into any labels. She believed in native medicinal herbs, dream journals, and tarot as well as astrology. These two revelations coinciding are important to my journey as they spurred a drive in me I lost many times over the years, but that could never be fully quieted by anyone ever.

As my life continued I explored so many possibilities as to how to heal. More often than not jumping on the most popular new trend, without understanding it. But mostly, I turned to self medication and addiction ensued. I clung to toxic relationships and blaming others for my plot in life. Trying desperately to figure out why nothing ever worked. Why I always felt like an outsider in life. Why societal success did nothing for me. Reaching a culmination when at 32 years old I suffered a psychotic break which flooded me with a slew of horrific repressed memories that made me question whether or not life meant anything at all. I was shattered internally in every way. Everything I thought I knew altered, my reality immensely changed, as if a veil had been lifted, one that had kept the truth of my life from me for all those years.

This is when I drew all my inner strength, and mustered all the grit I could to collect the shards of my former life. I was a person broken down to her core pieces. My studies and experiences in life gave me multiple tools to aid in the reconfiguration of me. So many different themes and levels of knowledge flowed together as I rebuilt my foundation. My writing alter identifies as Indigo Phoenix. Indigo the color of the third eye chakra, and the name given to starseed theories. Everyone knows the Phoenix. The mythical creature that cleanses its life in flames to be reborn wiser and mightier than before. Writing was the practice I used to perform the alchemy of my obliterated soul. Slowly using all that I had lived through and studied to forge myself together and earn the title I bestow upon myself as the Savage Alchemist. My writings encompass the many trials and tribulations I have encountered during this process. And just as my idol Nostradamus used his knowledge of this practice to attempt to aid others, I plan on doing the same. Some may find me egotistical, and may say even worse. For me writing is a personal endeavor, one that is cathartic, and my choice to share this is in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my journey, my path, my ideology can offer comfort and hope to others. To the misfits with hearts of gold. To the Empaths who leave to much of themselves with others. To the outcasts who also never fit into a label. To the black sheep who speak the truth but are shunned because of it. For every person who feels that society has it wrong. That the wealthy that control this world would rather keep us in the rat race feeling isolated, abandoned and without hope. I refuse to conform ever again and stay idle in a life that I know is less than my true potential. I am the Savage Alchemist Indigo Phoenix and I see a beautiful future for us all.