Sad Confessions of a Not-So-Talented Dreamer

Ten-year-old me had a lot of things to say. She had plans, and lots of them too. One of her very first best ideas was to start a circus. Now, a child doesn't always have the option to do some big production, so she made it work in her own way. She collected her siblings and gathered some pathetic little props. The show turned out to be massively successful! Well, according to the two people who showed up (and yes, it might've been her parents). And so, that little girl put together hundreds of shows right there in her tiny backyard.

That same year, she wanted to try her hand at painting. Being an inexperienced little kid, she had no idea what she was doing. The lopsided portrait of her little sister still haunts her to this day. She dreamed of being great, creating masterpieces of galaxies and people and everything in between.

Fast forward three years. This same young girl still holds some of the dreams she had. Although now, there's a wonderful new addition to the list of unrealistic fantasies. She had gotten to go to Hawaii over her birthday, and apparently, it was a life-changing experience. I would like to live here, she thought to herself, work as a photographer, and live alone in a condo with my wiener dog. Yep, that was the dream. Although this one was slightly more attainable than having a circus, young me had no plan whatsoever to achieve this. Still, she knew it would happen simply because she wanted it to.

After this, the girl stopped wishing for silly little things. She decided it was time to be a grown-up and there was to be no more hoping. She lived like this for quite some time, certain that no amount of wishing for something would get her anywhere. It was more realistic, for sure, but she also began to feel uninspired and disappointed with her life.

However, one day she went to see a real, actual circus. The show started, and for the first time, she saw what it would look like if her very first dream came true. Everything about it was magical, even the way the lights reflected off the stage. When the show was over, this girl knew something was different. She wanted her dreams more than anything. What would it look like if my fantasies lived? Was I courageous enough to pursue them? How would I even go about that? Although I was scared, I knew it was finally time for me to start chasing what I wanted.

Here we are. I've stumbled through life a little more, but I still have a long way to go. I've taken a number of photography classes and learned things that I would have never discovered otherwise. I take photos everywhere now. People laughing with each other, exotic travel destinations, beautiful sunsets, everything. Although, I have decided Hawaii isn't my first choice of places to live anymore (not enough snow). I started painting again, too. Oddly enough, practicing does help you improve. I even got one of my pieces into a little art show once, not to brag. Finally, I decided the most beautiful part of the circus was the aerialists. They seemed so strong and elegant, doing terrifying but amazing things. So, I found an aerial arts studio and started practicing. After many, many years of frustration, I have gotten fairly good at it and now perform in shows every year.

My younger self would probably cry, hopefully happy tears, if she saw me now. I've taken parts of her dreams and made them into realities. You know, I have no regrets about going after them. They are the things in my life that give me joy and allow me to feel most like myself. Although it took a lot of time, patience, and frustration, I am happy with my choice and I know little me would be too.