Respect Their Answer

If I were in the position to have a child and pick the gender, as much as I would love a little girl, part of me believes having a boy would be the best option. I would love to have a little girl to dream with for whatever she desires and teach her that she can be the change in big and small ways. But if she is anything like me, she may fall for a boy who comes off as nice but won't respect you when you say no.

If I had a boy, I could teach him to respect women. I would teach him that wants are never as important as how you treat someone. Respect them for their minds and their bodies without any retaliation. If I had a daughter, I can't protect them from the actions of what other people's sons weren't taught.

I went on a date a few weeks back, asking this man if he would classify himself as a nice guy. He went on to tell me, yes, he would, but how he hasn't always been one in the past. That is a fair enough answer not to think twice, mixed with easy conversation, him treating me to our activity and both of us exchanging thoughtful questions.

He was a gentleman but still a man. After the date, we went back to my place, where we felt chemistry; we were figuring each other out, no harm, just fun. He wanted it to go further, and I said no, he proceeded, and I said I didn't want to. You see, I have done a lot of things I was either not ready for or not wanting to but did it anyway because it was easier. It was easier to say yes and manage my personal repercussions later as a woman when it comes to a man and what they want. But no more. I am looking for a relationship without compromising me and them not respecting the boundaries of my body. I am not going into something where no means, well, you don't mean that.

I saw signs, but conversations were easy with him; he stimulated me intellectually, and it was nice to be around someone and feel someone else's presence and touch. It makes it easy to look past the initial acts when it's still so new. Plus, when I put my first hard boundary down this time he respected it.

Dating is so hard; you try to be vulnerable, and you accept someone at their word, hoping the actions follow. You believe that they are a nice person as they explain their childhood and how they handle an altercation. They become a human you want to believe in. You believe what they say, because you want to, because you want it to be true. You want the details of your past to be acknowledged without worry they will come back around. You put faith in someone in hopes one day it will turn into trust.

I am not here to put this man on the stand of doing anything past me saying no, he didn't, he stopped that time. The next time rolls around, and we play chemistry with our bodies again, and he says and does a few things that make you question his intentions. Yet, as soon as his initial needs were met, he was the comforting king I believed him to be. But once again, I was faced with him proceeding past my boundaries and wants and my intial No. He would tell me that I want it, to not be a tease, and as soon as I set that hard boundary, his approach changed.

He never hurt me, he stopped and he didn't continue, which I am grateful for, but his response told me all I needed to know about him. As soon as the boundary was placed, he became cold. He turned previous acts we did, against me as if it was a play of disrespect when he could have used his agency to say no also. It went from him not being happy about how I stopped something I didn't want to do to We only do things your way. He harbored feelings that became a bigger problem without holding an understanding of my position. He claimed the things he did to adapt to what I enjoyed as if it was unfair, and in suit became resentful and mad at me.

Just so we are clear, he got mad at me for saying no. For a nice guy, that is a shitty thing to do. Obviously, this is a one-sided piece, as he is not here to claim his. But tell me in any situation, where it is appropriate to react negatively to someone saying no to their own body autonomy rights?

As mentioned before, there have been cases in my life where I didn't say no, I didn't say anything, I just took it and processed the disregard on my own time and wellbeing. I don't have the time anymore to be that girl. I don't have the time to see a grown man, act like a child because he didn't like being told no, and I especially didn't like the feeling of him objectively ignoring my wants and trying to proceed anyways.

So if he claims that we do everything my way, so be it. I will not be apologizing for saying no to something I didnt want to do. What is interesting to me is, he is a smart man. He is educated, has a politically charged job, and speaks well and on the surface kind. He talks about understandign woman and respecting and pleasing them. But there is no excuse for any person to treat me the way he did, and think that it's acceptable.

We were only a few weeks in, so only skin-deep feelings were harmed. Thankfully, this happened early on because his actions are heavily concerning and repetitive. I should have spoken up and tried to teach him the illogic to his ways for the next girl who inevitably ends up with him. From the surface, he's a catch, but from his actions, I am glad I had the option to step away.

From what he described to me, overall he felt disrespected by a boundary he had set clear, that I had stepped over. In my opinion, this was a matter of gift, not body autonomy, but maybe to him that measures the same. I personally just can't see how.

So yeah, If someday I find someone to share a life with to the point of bringing a child into this world. Although I want a girl, It would be better to raise a boy to love a woman than watch my potential daughter go through something like this. Where she would learn the hard way when someone she likes does not respect her answer being no.

When there should never be any repercussions, backlash, or manipulation of previous actions for a girl speaking up and telling someone no for something they are not comfortable doing.

No means no! It means to stop and adapt. To respect and understand. To accept without negative responses. This goes for everyone who decides to share their body with another.

Respect the answer or leave, but mostly,

Be better.