Regretful Notewriters Anonymous

Overeager Notetaker

I sat in 3rd period, waiting for my best friend Natalie to get in her seat so I could give her the hilarious and over the top note I’d written in History. I tended to be considered more reserved with my humor, but with the topic in class being on the boring side, I found myself drifting off to a silly world where my usually contained emotions were put on display for my best friend. I remember looking back at the words and chuckling as everyone coursed through the room loudly as they got to their seats.

I distinctly remember my mindset as I began writing the note, genuinely thinking, ‘Ya know, no one has ever found one of our notes… I should just over exaggerate everything. She’ll think it’s so funny!’ I thought back to the over-the-top way I’d talked about the boy I had a crush on—Adam Parker—and how he looked so good today… and then proceeded to talk about so many other ridiculous things, though the primary topic was Adam, referring to him occasionally by his codename—Apple Pie. Just to add to the comical nature of the note, I signed off with our newest ridiculous term that replaced ‘P.S.’ to now include, ‘P.M.S.’ followed by some hilarious anecdote from the morning.

When the bell rang and Natalie didn’t sit in her usual spot, I was suddenly concerned. I turned to my other table mate, “Do you know where Natalie is today?” I whispered as the teacher shut the door so we could start class.

“Yeah, I heard she’s sick.” The girl shrugged, and then started working on her typing warm-ups the teacher had written on the board.

I sighed, shrugging it off. I guess I’d give her the note tomorrow. No biggie.

I got through the next three classes, and then went back to my locker to get my books for the last class of the day, and I found myself looking for the note to put it somewhere safe, so I’d remember to give it to Natalie tomorrow. I was confused, though, when the note was nowhere to be found in my messenger bag. At first, I panicked, but finally shrugged, deciding that I probably just left it in my locker earlier when I dropped off my books for lunch.

And then, I thought nothing about it…

The next day, I was at a choir competition for Honors Choir, and who would be with me there except my super crush, Adam. Adam had known for a few months that I liked him since a friend of mine had asked if he’d go out with me, and he’d—shockingly—said no. We got over it, though, because we saw each other constantly considering we had Youth Group together on Thursdays, Festival practice on Sundays, and then Honors Choir on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. He couldn’t avoid me, and I couldn’t avoid him… so all I could do was pretend, to the best of my ability, that I wasn’t as into him as I was.

“Oh my God, Michelle! Adam is totally checking you out today!” Allison said excitedly, pulling me away from the group.

My eyes widened and I fluffed my hair a little, trying to stealthily look over my shoulder. Sure enough, Adam was staring right at me, his brows furrowed as if in concentration. Inside I wondered if I just looked particularly cute that day. If only I had known how wrong I was…

Not long after that, Adam’s cousin Milly came to sit beside me—we went to church together as well, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for us to chat. “So, Michelle… you really like Adam, don’t you?!” she said eagerly, her face filled with excitement.

Her friends nearby were whispering and giggling, and something seemed to shiver in understanding within me, but I ignored it. “Um… I mean, I sort of do?” I shrugged it off.

Her grin widened as she pressed her shoulder against mine playfully, “No. I mean you reallllly like him!”

I turned fully towards her then, my entire face knitted with confusion, “What is this about, Milly?” I ask.

Suddenly she broke into a fit of giggles, “Oh! I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s nothing. Nothing at all!” She said, and then she and her friends wandered away.

I watched after them in confusion, an ache starting to form in my stomach as it hit me that something felt off about the entire day. The rest of the day continued with little incident, besides the occasional giggling and whispering that seemed to happen every time I walked by the popular kids that generally surrounded Milly and Adam. I chose to ignore it all, deciding that it happened to be a coincidence they were whispering every time I walked by.

When I got home that night, ready to go skating—which I did every Friday night—things took a turn from weird to fully disconcerting when my sister, who was 5 years older than me and a popular junior in high school, asked a strange question when I walked in the door. “Hey Michelle! So, I hear you reallllllllly like Adam!”

A familiar pang of anxiety pricked through my formerly calm surface. I froze, slowly turning to her, “What did you say?” I squeaked out.

She grinned back at me, “Oh nothing. I just said that you really like Adam Parker.”

Dread washed over me, “Steph… what’s this about? Why are you asking me….?”

Brief regret was found in her eyes then, probably from seeing the panic and tears filling my own. “Well… apparently you wrote a note to Natalie yesterday?”

I felt as if I was having an out of body experience, staring down at my shocked form as I went back in time to yesterday, to my ridiculous note… the one I’d convinced myself that I’d left in my locker. The one I actually never found.

“How do you know that…?” I whispered, even though everything was clicking into place.

“Oh… um… well… apparently it was left in the computer lab?” My eyes went glassy as I remembered my spot in the computer lab… 3rd period—where I was supposed to give the note to Natalie. “And I guess Adam sits in the same spot the note was found. He… he read it.”

The world started to spin, and everything from the day that had seemed weird suddenly made perfect sense. “I’m going to be sick…” I said, sprinting to the bathroom.

Natalie called later that night to tell me more bad news. Apparently not only Adam read the note… no, instead he gave the note to his girlfriend, who then gave the note to all her friends, who gave it to all their friends… and then they gave it to Natalie, saying with a laugh, ‘this was meant for you.’ By the end of the day, once the note had been passed around my small school of about 300 students, everyone was perfectly aware of my excessive ‘obsession’ with the school star, Adam Parker. And, with that, my world felt as if it had been tilted and rotated in the wrong direction.

“Mom… I want to move back to Washington. We have to leave. I can’t go back to school, I can’t!” I sobbed to my mom after I’d heard it all. The only option that made sense to me was to move right away so that I didn’t have to suffer the humiliation I would surely endure on Monday.

‘Oh no… not just Monday… I still have practice with him and Milly on Sunday for the Festival.’ A new fit of sobs wracked through me as I shook my head, “I’m humiliated. I can’t go back…” I whispered.

Mom ended up giving me a pep talk that started with, ‘Sorry, we aren’t moving.’ And ended with, ‘You just have to look like you don’t care what they think, honey.’

Her advice seemed easier said than done. Sunday rolled around and I was so hesitant to even go to the Festival practice and see my unintentional tormentors. At 12:45, only 15 minutes before practice, I decided I couldn’t hide from this. I wasn’t going to end my social life just because of a stupid note. I refused to let this ruin me.

I got to practice five minutes early, and instantly I saw Milly sitting in her usual seat at the front, looking through her music book. I pulled in a sharp breath, standing a little taller as I went to sit beside her. She looked over at me in brief surprise as I offered a friendly smile, “Hey Milly.”

She recovered from her shock and smiled back politely, “Oh, hey Michelle, how are you today?” she said, and though she was being nice like always, I could sense her hesitation.

I steeled myself before letting the chaos ensue. I could either ignore it all or steer into the skid, “So, hey, yesterday you said something that seemed kinda weird to me… you know, about Adam? I was just wondering why you mentioned it.”

She stiffened, offering an almost fake look of regret, “Oh… you’re not going to like it.”

I nodded, forcing myself to stay calm even though my insides felt like they were knotting together into one giant ball. “Was it, by chance, because of a note meant for my friend Natalie?”

She offered a pitying expression, and I genuinely believed her pity this time. She was clearly shocked I’d asked so calmly. “Yeah…” she finally said, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “I’m really sorry…”

I clench my eyes closed and nod, forcing a very small smile, “It’s… it’s fine.”

She turned to me then, really looking at me, almost as if it were the first time. She looked thoughtful then, “I’m surprised your taking this so well, honestly.”

I allow a sad smirk, “What else can I do? I’d rather just deal with it than let it affect everything I do. You know?”

She watched me in shock, and then she gave me a very sincere smile, grasping my hand in hers in a comforting gesture, “I think that is really cool…” she admitted.

The rest of the school year, I just kept dealing with the fallout of that note. The good thing, though, was that because I wasn’t letting anyone know how affected I was by their bullying, by the meanness, by the hurled insults, by the giggling whispers… it all died out pretty quickly. Sure, people still occasionally joked about my note, but it wasn’t meant with spite anymore. I pretended daily that I didn’t like Adam anymore, and eventually everyone believed it. Eventually I believed it too.

That moment with the exaggerated note meant for my best friend, though, was pivotal for me at only 13 years old, to the point that I created a new name for myself. People mentioned that I was the girl who didn’t care what people thought, and that reputation saved me from their watchful gazes. That situation could’ve ruined my outlook on myself if I let it, but instead I allowed it to give me the strength I didn’t know I had yet.

Now this story remains in my arsenal of hilarious and ridiculous moments that just don’t usually happen to people outside of the movies. For me, though, my family fondly refers to situations like these as my Movie Moments.