Reflections

This is not going to be a short story so strap in and possibly grab some popcorn if that's your thing. for me it’s a nice glass of scotch (however the bottle is very close) that is needed as writing this is going to force me to confront some very deep intrenched demons that I have spent the better part of my life trying to bury. I got the inspiration to do this after a very dear friend of mine started posting on here some of the struggles he is currently going through, and with Recent events happening in my life with someone very close to me. Her situation which is not exactly the same as what I went through, but many of the situations I have found myself in when I hit rock bottom in my life are mirrored by things she is going through at this very moment. And my lack of ability to help her has made me feel like maybe I have not done enough in my life to confront my darker chapters.

So that is what this is going to be, after reading this if you choose to you may hate me, I have not always made good decisions and some of them I will admit in retrospect were downright deplorable, (No I have not killed anyone, or been a predator to children, or anything violent that would land me in jail for a significant amount of time) But yes I have lied I have manipulated and I have broken the law many times, the reasons for everything I did I am going to examine with this series of posts, not in an effort to justify my actions but as a character study of someone who made bad decisions and has learned from them in order to grow and become a better person. (Or at least I believe I have become a better person), after everything you read, it may be your opinion that I do not deserve that designation and if that's the conclusion you come to, I support and respect it.

So, I am first going to start with me being forcibly suggested to leave my home at the age of 16. I will touch on my childhood and the horrors and situations I went through that have defined me as a person, but I do not want to get into that right away because I do not want you to think that I am using those events as a justification for things I have done. What I will say about my childhood, it was not good, I for the majority of it felt extremely alone and on the outside of every situation. This feeling made me put up a fortress worth of walls that took a lot of time and a few very amazing influences in my life to help me break through.

So back to October 18th, 1995, I had recently just turned 16 years old, Things seemed to be going well, I was in grade 11 but I was very proud of the fact that I was taking a grade 12 advanced law course. I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to focus on family litigation because I did not want kids to go through what I had as a child. One of the only issues was I have a severe case of ADHD, and school really bored me, not because I could not pass, no quite the opposite I did not feel like it was challenging enough. Most of the time this led to me skipping classes and going to the Library to read some Arthurian classic or some philosophy book anything that I felt might challenge me to a different perspective of thinking, I loved to read I just hated reading the stuff they wanted me to read in school. I had been reading at a college level long before I even started high school and I was just bored.

Today was no different other than the fact that I knew my mom would not be home because she was off to a woman's group that she went to on a weekly basis. I knew my house would be empty for the majority of the day and I figured it would be simpler to just go home than try and get downtown and go to the university library again. So, I made a conscious decision I broke into my own house, climbed onto the garage, and used a ruler to pry open the bedroom window. It took me all of about 2 minutes which surprised me how easy it was, so I figured why not see if I could get into my neighbor’s house as well. I tried the ruler thing, but my neighbor’s windows were completely shut, and I could not get the ruler in to pry it open, "Oh well so much for that" I thought and decided to grab something to eat. But the seed was planted in my head, I was too curious I wanted to see what my neighbor’s house was like, I had always kind of had a crush on the wife and I really just wanted to see how they lived.

I should explain my Parents had a 3 Bedroom Condominium house that was attached to neighbors’ homes on either side. I was thinking of ways that I could get in to see and it then dawned on me that all the houses were attached I could go through the walls but how do I get through a wall that they are not going to be able to find out that I was there. I made my way to my parents’ room and climbed into the closet and opened the attic, (now this was not so much an attic for storage so much as a place to keep insulation, it was completely unfinished but as I thought all that separated my house from my neighbor’s was a piece of plywood. So, without another thought I put my foot through and climbed into my neighbor’s house.

Now I had assumed that our houses because they were side by side were merely just a mirror image of each other so when I tried to get into the house from the attic I assumed I would be climbing down into the closet of their bedroom, nope I realized as I fell to the floor, I was in Alfred's office(name has been changed) Crap I though how am I going to get the attic hatch back in place I looked for anything I could stand on, (thankfully his desk was very sturdy, I was able to get the hatch cover back in place with very little issues, but I had another problem the insulation that had stuck to my foot when I fell was all over the office. I decided quickly to grab the vacuum and clean up the mess and then proceeded to look around, and to be hones other than the fact that they had a gorgeous baby grand piano in their living room they were pretty boring, no game systems small tv, As a 16 year old Teenager I was not impressed there was no sugary items in their cupboards I checked the nightstands beside their beds to see of maybe she had sex toys or something interesting and all I found was a sheet of bus tickets, which I pocketed and decided that I was bored and left the house through the front door. I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around aimlessly until it was time to go home like nothing had happened, only there was a police car by my neighbor’s house. and I could see them talking to my mom. I decided to hide and wait it out, I wandered around for what seemed like forever and then I went back to the house.

I walked in like nothing at all had happened and went to my room and started to do my homework, I could hear my mom on the phone talking to someone saying she didn't know what to do with me anymore, I felt bad, but I hadn't stolen anything valuable I could give back the bus tickets if they wanted, besides how could they possibly prove it was me I cleaned everything up. Turns out in my cleanup process I forgot my boy scout’s flashlight with my name on it in the office. My mom came into my room and told me to pack my stuff and leave, I was furious, (although in retrospect I was not angry with her I was mad that I got caught) I packed up everything important to me and walked out the front door, my mom was silent until she went to close the door,

"I love you son" she said with tears streaming down her cheeks

"Fuck you" was all I could muster as she closed the door behind me and locked it. That was the moment that I knew this was not a dream this was real, and I could not go back, I was all alone.

Before anyone jumps up and chastises her actions for kicking a kid out of the house at 16 for breaking into the Neighbor’s house, know this. This had not been my first encounter with the police, I had a nasty temper I had punched holes in the walls, threatened my brothers, stole from stores, stole a lot of money from family members, lied often and gotten myself into more trouble than someone my age should have been in at that time, that was just the final straw that broke the camel’s back.