Purpose

I don't want my writing to stand out. I want it to inspire. That is a goal that I have set for myself over the years. But I don't quite like not having a point to write about. Writing without a purpose is pointless. I try and inspire myself in such small ways, but sometimes the words just are not there. I don't always know what I have to say. I stumble across the words I want during most conversations and blab out certain things that I just ultimately regret in the end. One of my favourite words that I have created out of pure awkward shame, is ankward. This post is written in inspiration of someone and our conversation that we had shared together. But the whole word stumbled out of my lips during a small conversation that I was having with some friend of mine. Ankward. I caught myself very carefully and corrected myself. Awkward and anxious at the same time. I have coined this as my word so if you steal it, you must do so in the name of me, because I am truly the most awkward and anxious human being to ever exist. I never had it happen to me during a regular conversation with someone, normally it was just my boyfriend who had caught my ankward word choices.

I don't want certain pieces of writing to seem like a waste of time. I do have a point I what I want to say most of the time. I hate having that feeling of "this does not matter" bubble up inside of me whenever I work on something. I have some larger pieces of work in mind but truthfully, most pieces of my writing feel quite unfinished. It seems like whatever projects that I have collected have been abandoned or left alone for years. To have dust pile up on your dreams is a whole other statement of topic that I could have with anyone out there. I am the Queen of giving up when things get to be too much for me. I know that. I hate that fact about myself. I know I could be better. I know I could be writing differently than how I am and I despise myself for it from time to time. I just am my own worst critic. In every aspect of my life. That's why I call myself ankward. Because I am that girl. I still am her deep down inside. I am that super sensitive, hyper critic of my life that is super anxious when it comes to most people, places, and things. My life is different than I would have ever imagined. And it bothers me to pieces. I try to inspire myself but sometimes the going gets absolutely tough. Some days just do not seem to end no matter how hard you try. The tone of this piece is now rapidly changing and I hate that factiod. But my truth is here: I am the hardest human being to get to know. I wouldn't touch my own damn mind if I was anyone in my life. That place is just truthfully too dark and depressed to be of much value to anyone. Ankward. That's why I am sharing one of my many inventive words with you all over Vocal. I can't say I enjoy stumbling over my words, but in case it happens, I am prepared with this story of mine about being ankward. Awkward and anxious. All rolled up in one.

Chloe Rose Violet

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