Preface

3 1/2 years ago I(20 at the time) rode a greyhound bus 15 hours to see my younger sister graduate high school. Within that visit I decided not to return to my emotionally abusive relationship I had been in for the 3 years prior. The months following my escape were some of the worst I have experienced to date. I would wake up to 100s of texts from my ex. The messages would range anywhere from “i love you baby. Please don't give up on us” to “you are a sorry piece of shit and no one will ever love you.” He is the dictionary definition of narcissism. I can't firmly say do not care for him. Honestly, I hate him to my core. I have never felt pure hatred before now.

The things he did to me, I simply cannot move on from. He degraded me, raped me, and humiliated me more times than I could count. In turn, I am a shell of the person I was before him. I am also diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder, as you could imagine that doesn't exactly help my mental state. I have such irregular sleeping patterns because I am afraid if I go to sleep I will have reoccurring nightmares. Most of them include my ex finally breaking, he loses his mind, and murders my current boyfriend in from of me. I take sleeping pills in excess to make sure I don't have time to dwell on my past while I wait to dose off. My body has had physical reactions to the stress I'm under. I get covered in hives to such a severity I had to quit my job due to the pain and discomfort I was under.

my boyfriend is the best partner I could've ever asked for. He wants to protect me and tell me that my ex will never come near me again. And while I do appreciate his gesture to make me feel safe I know the type of terrifying intelligence my ex has. We would never know he was around us until it's too late. My boyfriend repeats over and over that he would stand between us. This annoys me because he isn't even willing to consider that he would catch us by surprise. I want to feel better and not so anxious. The thought of even seeing his face to face again makes me involuntarily shake in fear regularly and seclude myself from mostly everyone. At night I can see his black eyes. There is a specific look he would give me that I can only describe as true evil. This look would usually come about when there was discussion of if I ever cheated on him or if he ever caught me with someone else. His brown eyes would turn black as he said, “I wouldn't even hesitate, I would shoot them and then you so you would have to watch” This sentence is what keeps me up at night. There is something seriously wrong with this man and I honestly think he is a danger to not only me but anyone who comes near him. His goal is to control every situation he is in, most of the time it is horrifying how well he is at this. Every day, I check to see if he is in any jail near where he lives and when I don't find his name on the list, my chest tightens. I am terrified. I don't know how to make my boyfriend understand that no one can predict what someone with regular psychotic episodes will do.