Please Don’t Hand Me Electronics: A Cautionary Tale

I am not to be trusted with expensive technology.

It’s not that I hate it. I like gadgets! I admire sleek design and shiny buttons. But the moment something costs more than a toaster, my hands go full panic mode. I suddenly hold everything like it’s a newborn made of glass.

I’m just bad with tech. Not in a charming “oopsie I forgot to charge it” way. More like a “I baby-locked an oven and exploded a microwave” way.

Yes. Both of those things happened.

Let’s start with the oven.

All I wanted was to bake something. Innocent, right? I turned a dial, pressed a few buttons, and then... nothing. The oven just blinked at me. Judged me. Refused to do oven things— somehow — I activated child lock. On accident. On an oven I don’t own.

There’s nothing more humiliating than Googling “how to unlock oven" toddler.”

It took me fifteen minutes, with the growing suspicion that the oven was winning. Eventually, a family member of mine came and in less than a minute was able to unlock it.

Then there’s the microwave incident.

I don’t even know what I did. I pressed a button, it beeped, and then there was a dramatic spark followed by an actual pop. Like, cartoon-level stuff. I opened the door and a weird smell hit me — a mix between burned soup and electric regret. Nothing caught fire, but the microwave definitely quit on life that day. It just stopped. Like it saw what I’d done and said, “You know what? No.”

And that, friends, is why I do not trust myself with anything expensive.

Someone hands me a $2,000 MacBook? I will carry it like it’s a live ferret. If I’m using someone else’s iPad, I won’t even tap the screen. I sort of... gesture at it. Hovering. Hoping. Waiting for Siri to take pity on me.

Even plugging in cables makes me nervous. What if I plug it into the wrong port accidently set the circuit board on fire. What if I hit the power button and it explodes again?

Honestly, I think technology can sense my fear. Even sometimes I swear that it is like a hex and I accidently pass it onto others, because there have been times that my friends or family have had 'incidents' with the electronics like I pass it on to them temporarily.

Actually, especially printers. I once stared at a “low magenta ink” warning for 30 minutes because I didn’t want to upset it. I wasn’t even printing in colour! But I know better than to argue with a printer. That way lies madness.

The worst part? I try so hard. I follow the instructions. I Google stuff. I read the entire manual and somehow still manage to activate settings no one has seen before.

And yet, despite all of this, the tech I own? Still works. It’s a miracle. But I know it’s not because of my skills. It’s because I live in fear.

So no, I don’t want to “just mess around” with your fancy smart TV. I don’t want to “play DJ” on your $300 Bluetooth speaker. And please — I beg you — do not hand me a drone. It will either crash into a tree or go missing over international waters.

I’ll stick to the basics. A nice analog kettle. A book that doesn’t talk back. Maybe a mildly suspicious toaster. That’s my safe zone.

I don't even like doing things on my BF computer because I am paranoid that I will somehow make it crash.

And if your oven suddenly goes into lockdown mode? Yeah... that might’ve been me. Sorry in advance.