Part 3:

At my grandparents feeling a failure and disgrace, I got another waitress job in the town I had grown up in. No longer having the constant access to hard drugs, I drank like a sailor.

It was during this time in my life that I became a drunk, looking for the next party in everything I did. I reconnected with high school friends, I was at the bar almost every night after work partying it up like I hadn't a care.

I let myself believe I had beaten my addiction, I was better. It was during this calm in the middle of the storm that during a town fair I met my second husband, or reconnected with. We had graduated high school together but had never talked much then. The 4 years I would spend with him were outwardly perfect. Nice house, good job, wonderful husband. A hero who served our great nation.

No one noticed the mental abuse I suffered at the hands of his mother, nor the nightmares I endured behind closed doors. I was ok, doing well, sober. No one noticed the night after night black out drinking or the fear I felt each night after he went to sleep. I mentioned the part about him being a war hero right... That comes with wonderful prizes let me tell you. PTSD, manic depression, bursts of anger. At least once a week as he slept he would have waking nightmares in which I became the enemy... Once he tried to strangle me, more then once I woke to him frantically looking for a weapon. I spent several years begging him to seek out help. He ignored those pleas until it was too late... The day I was too move out he announced that he had enrolled himself in a ptsd treatment group, and us in couples therapy. He didn't listen when I told him it was too late, I was already emotionally out the door. Damage done.

I moved in with my best friend that day. I caved to the couples therapy for a month or two before I couldn't handle the fact that I was at fault in both him and his counslers eyes. I was supposed to forget, let it all go... Move on. The day I quit therapy I found MY children in the parking lot outside with his mother, who informed me I wasn't to see them until I was more stable... ME, really...

The months passed in my best friends house, drunken nights and happy days filled with nothing and nonsense. No worries, no one to be afraid of. Also no life goals, no ambition and no concern for the future.

One day chatting with another close friend online, I was called out on my bullshit. "What will you do with your life? How will you pay for things? What will you do when you can't drink it all away?" He asked, the words stabbing me like knives. A voice in my heart started screaming though... " HE IS RIGHT YOU FOOL" "What can I do about it... I have nothing." I responded meekly. "Be my office manager, live in my basement, take care of my house, I will pay you well and help you stop the party girl nonsense." His words were like a sudden recharge of my heart... "OK. When do you want me." I answered him with butterflies in my stomach. "Be ready in 2 hours."

I cried with my best friend in the driveway as we waited. Knowing this wasn't goodbye, but still being torn up over my move. As his truck came down the street I thought to myself " The bullshits over, this is my chance to shine." I got in and smiled, he turned on our favorite song and we drove away.

This would be a short stop, I was not aware of that as I decorated my room and bought new clothes, makeup and shoes. I had not had room for much in a while so had gotten rid of alot, I had my own room, my own bathroom, and a fridge full of my favorite beer, soda and snacks. He gave me $300 a day for groceries and household needs... it was just us. I also got paid $500 a week for answering emails and lining up lawn care jobs. I was finally doing the right thing. I was not drinking to get black out drunk, just tipsy. I was not doing meth, just alittle pot now and then. Yet I was lonely, and thought myself ready to enter the dating pool again. It was on one of these dates the worst monster of them all would sweep me off my feet... carrying me back into the darkness from which I came.

I should have stayed, should have never had that one dance, never let him sing to me in a crowded room. I should have not gone to the bar with my date.