Oh, Don't Mind Me.......

I always stopped by the grocery store after my workout at the gym. They had the best coffee bar, even better than the leading coffee chain. As I waited in line I felt eyes watching me. Quickly turning to my right to look over my shoulder, I caught his gaze. He looked busted and embarrassed. I asked him if he needed some help, and told him to "take a picture, it lasts longer". He had the deepest, darkest brown eyes, almost like chocolate covered marbles. I'm not going to lie, they drew me him. As he slowly approached , I felt excited that he was coming over to me. Reality check...SCREECH... I looked like a sweaty pig, hair wet and sticking to my scalp from the aerobic workout. Praying that the sweat stains under my armpits weren't visible and thank God I had worn dark yoga pants, so the basement sweat didn't show through as much. He extended his hand, a strong, well manicured chocolate extremity, the end of the muscled forearm and bicep. I looked up from his hand, forearm, bicep and finally to his face, which framed his blindingly white teeth. Wow he was pretty handsome and the body was banging, what I aspired to have from all my gym workouts. He introduced himself, but I couldn't hear what he was saying because I was infatuated with the whole package. Explaining that he had seen me there a couple times before and finally had the courage to approach me, he gave me his phone number and asked if he could take me out. Faking my confidence, because I still felt like that I didn't look my best, I gave him my number and agreed to going out with him in the near future. He said he would call, about faced and walked away. The view was equally delicious going as it was coming. The Barista asked me for my order, my head still reeling from the encounter I just ordered a medium house brew.

No sooner than I walked into the front door of my apartment, my land line was ringing. Yes I still had a house phone at the time. It was him, he didn't waste any time. I agreed to go to lunch with him that very day. I hung up the phone and quickly ran to the bathroom to start my transformation, as I only had 2 hours before he would pick me up. Yes, I was crazy, I gave him my address and was letting him pick me up. I didn't know if he was a serial killer or not, but YOLO.

He was punctual, 1:30pm on the dot. I opened the door and there he stood, all muscled, skin glowing and smelling so yummy. I darted out the door, locking it behind and climbed into the front seat of his car, and we were off. He mentioned taking me to a restaurant in the beach area, describing the delicious food and amazing scenery. And then everything went to HELL!! The car started to sputter and slow down, right in the middle of the highway. He coasted over to the shoulder of the road. Is this the part where this crazy serial killer, takes me out? The car came to an abrupt STOP. He apologized that he sometimes has trouble with the engine, got out the car, walked to the front and pulled up the hood. I watched his every movement, because I wasn't going to die without a fight. I wanted to be able to tell the police every description of him, what he did etc as I lie there on the ground, coughing and sputtering my last breath. Back to reality, I watched as he tinkered around under the hood, as if he knew what he was doing, even pulling out a spark plug to show me what the problem was. The car sounded like it ran out of gas to me, but he insisted it was something else. There was a call box on the side of the road, about 10o yards away, and he said he would call for roadside assistance. I watched him walk away, and looked through the glove compartment for his real identity, and throughout the car for anything, something. He returned to the car and said that help was coming. We made small talk in the meantime and not less than 10 mins later the tow truck arrived. The driver quickly hooked up the car and towed us off the road to the shopping center parking lot, unhooked the car and left us there. This area of town was well equipped with car repair shops, so many that you could build a car from them collectively. I questioned him about WHY the tow truck didn't take us to 1 of the many repair shops. He gave me some kooky story about the roadside assistance. He apologized a million times over and offered me $13 dollars to take a taxi home, and he went to the payphone to call me one. $13 dollars? That is not going to get me home, I lived 10 miles away, 20 miles during rush hour traffic, away. I took the money from this broke-joke and quickly got in the taxi when it arrived. I went 2 blocks, asked the driver to let me out at the bus stop, paid him $5, took the bus home and pocketed the other $6 dollars.

I was done with him....until he called me the next day, begging forgiveness, and asking to make it up to me. Everyone is entitled to a second chance, so why not. This time he arrived at my apartment, on time, but car-LESS and suggested that we walk to a restaurant nearby. We arrived at some hole-in-the-wall VEGAN restaurant, frequented by 20 something Goth patrons. Sometimes hole-in-the-wall places have the best food, so I was game. I was not 20 something nor Goth, neither was he. He took the lead which I though was endearing at first, and ordered our food. The drinks arrived and the waiter put a glass of Merlot in front of me. Mr. Broke-Joke boasted how red wine was better for you and had necessary tannins that are good for your health. Hello, what about me and what I like? I hate Merlot with a passion, I'm more of a sweet, cheap wine type of girl. Something out of a box. Before I could say anything a plate of RANCID>CURRY scented TOFU thing, still steaming was placed right in the path of my nose. I felt my nose hairs retreat like they were being burned at the stake. I swallowed quickly to keep the vomit at bay. I had to speak up, now or never. "Oh, don't mind me and what I like". "You never asked me if I have any food allergies, or about what I like ". I explained to him that although I'm adventurous at times about food, all of this was like Kryptonite is to Superman, and I was feeling nauseous. I thanked him for trying to correct his failed attempts at dating, but we are on 2 different planets. I grabbed my purse, thanked him for lunch and left the restaurant. On my walk home I treated my carnivorous self to a hamburger and stopping at the corner store to buy a wine cooler, in all it's sweet, cheap goodness. He was cancelled....NEXT!!!