Notoriety

A man once sought notoriety,

But all he… But all… Okay, if I’m being honest, I completely forgot where I was going with this but I’m totally sure it was clever. I mean, I’m almost always clever, at least when no one else is around. I’m the funniest, most outgoing yet laid back guy in the room, when no one else is in the room.

You see, some people feel out of place at school or work and some people feel out of place at home. There are those that feel out of place in public and in private. Believe it or not, some can even feel out of place in their own mind. That’s how it is for me, as with many others. We wake up everyday in the one place we should feel the most comfortable yet its the one place we dread going the most. Our. Own. Mind.

Imagine spending hour after hour dredging up every embarrassing memory you ever had. Then watching them play on repeat all day long on that pull down canvas movie screen we all have right behind our eyes. The one that shows us all our memories clearly except for the ones we want to see. When we queue those up they all look like they were left in a cardboard box that got forgotten in grandma’s flooded basement… I think I’m rambling again. Actually I’m sure of it…

Okay, back on track.

Imagine spending hours agonizing over the simplest of decisions. Not because you want to, but because your brain simply will not allow you to make a decision without first showing every possible negative outcome. Not without showing you that no matter what you decide it will end in everyone hating you, and it’ll be all your fault. The world is going to end and it’s all because you chose to wear the blue shirt today and not the green one, or because you chose to name a character in a book Jack and not Jim. Every anxiety and panic riddled decision is just leading you closer and closer to certain doom. Okay, I exaggerated a bit with the shirt analogy, for me anyway, but that doesn’t make it any less true for some though.

So when you ask about a time I felt uncomfortable and out of place or self conscious and lost, the answer is every morning when I wake up and realize I’m still me. Every time I get trapped in my own head with some simple decision that a child could make without a second though. Every time I come into contact with another human and my mind convinces me they already hate me and are already laughing at something about me. It’s amazing what our mind is capable of convincing us about our selves or what it can let us perceive in others to be true that really isn’t.

Over the years I have learned a little trick that is helpful from time to time. Think back to that scene in the all time classic Beetlejuice, when the woman gets a metal plate bolted over her mouth so she can’t say his name the third time and bring hi to life. The next time one of those memories pops in your head do that to it. Just bolt their mouths shut and don’t let them speak. Its your mind, take control back. I know I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and out of place anymore, I’m sure you don’t either.

Oh, I remember where I was going with that now…

A man once sought notoriety,

But all he got was anxiety.

Turned from hugs to drugs and sleeping on rugs,

So now he just chases sobriety.

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