Narcissism + Drug Abuse = Addictions

My true story of recovering from both drug addiction and a narcissistic relationship, and how grief helped me break the trauma bonds for good.

For the longest time, I didn’t understand why I kept going back.

• Back to the relationship that crushed me.

• Back to the chaos that drained me.

• Back to the person who broke me in ways I still struggle to put into words.

Just like I didn’t understand why I kept using drugs, long after they stopped numbing anything at all.

Two addictions. One to a substance. One to a person. And both nearly destroyed me.

It wasn’t until February (after my brother’s sudden passing shattered the ground beneath me) that everything changed.

That was the moment, with all my grief, I had no option but to face myself, my pain, my history, and my choices.

That was the moment I said, No more. No more relapses. No more going back. No more fuckin' losing myself or dying on the inside.

And I haven’t relapsed since.

Grief does one of two things... it drowns you or wakes you up.

My brother’s passing woke me up to both my narcissistic relationship as well as how that relationship kept me relapsing on the drug addiction.

My Brother's Story

My brother’s story is one of the reasons I understand addiction the way I do. So I wanted to share his story with you for context.

In his early twenties, back in the 90s, he became hooked on Mini Thins. These were little over-the-counter speed pills that people thought were harmless at the time.

They were not harmless for him. His addiction got so bad that he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung. He lived the rest of his life with only one lung.

He struggled for years after that. Different drugs. Different battles. Different seasons of trying, falling, and rising again.

Last year, he turned 45 years old, and he made the decision that changed everything.

He got clean. Fully. Completely. And he stayed that way. I was so proud of him. After everything he had been through, he did something many people never get the chance or the strength to do. He started to rebuild his life.

Unfortunately, it was short-lived...

Last November, he came down with pneumonia, and the antibiotics did not help. With only one lung, he did not have much room for decline. He battled the infection for months.

In January, they had to intubate him so they could transport him to another hospital.

My brother spent his 46th birthday in a hospital bed, fighting with everything he had left.

The doctors tried multiple times to remove the tube so he could breathe on his own, but he could not. His one lung could not keep up. And waiting on a double lung transplant list would take too long.

On Feburary 10th, a week after my 45th birthday, I held his hand while he took his last breath.

Losing him was what forced me out of my addictions... the drugs, the narcissistic relationship, and the toxic cycles I kept falling into.

His life taught me what addiction really is. His death taught me what clarity feels like. His strength is why I fight for my own. Every single day.

Ok back to it.

The High That Hooks You

People underestimate how addictive a narcissistic relationship is.

• They don’t see the cycle.
• They don’t feel the rush.
• They don’t understand the chemistry.

But I do. I lived it.

A narcissist pulls you in the same way a drug does—fast, hard, and intoxicating.

They flood your system with validation, attention, excitement, and intensity. It hits you like dopamine fireworks.

--You feel wanted. --You feel chosen. --You feel alive.

That’s how the addiction starts.

The love bombing is the “first high.” The one you spend months (sometimes years) trying to chase again, even though you never will.

Just like your first hit. Your first pill. Your first escape.

It’s not love. It’s a chemical bond rooted in trauma, fear, and intermittent reinforcement.

And once they start taking the high away… you’re hooked.

Withdrawal Feels the Same

The moment addiction is interrupted, your whole nervous system goes into withdrawal.

• With drug abuse, you shake.

• With narcissistic abuse, you spiral.

But the pattern is the same!

• You crave something/someone that hurts you.
• You convince yourself you need it/them to function.
• You feel sick without it/them.
• You feel panic at the idea of losing it/them.
• You bargain, justify, and lie to yourself.

That’s not love. That is dependency.

I remember nights with him that felt identical to nights when I was detoxing off drugs. The crying and shaking.

The way my heart pounded out of my chest. The begging for relief, for comfort, for the pain to stop.

And the worst part? I blamed myself. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Like, I must be weak.

But I now know that my brain was conditioned to depend on the very thing destroying it.

The Relapse Cycle Is Identical

I went back to him the same way I went back to drugs.

Some of my reasons at the time?

• “I can handle it/him this time.”
• “Just this one last time.”
• “He means it this time.”
• “We can get clean together.”
• “I’m lonely.”
• “My life feels different.”
• “I need something familiar.”

Every excuse for drugs has a matching excuse for narcissistic abuse.

The good news? Relapse isn’t a moral failure. It’s a trauma response.

And every time I relapsed into either (him or the drug) addiction, I lost a little more of myself. Piece by piece, I felt less like me.

It took losing my brother to finally see that both addictions were killing me slowly.

• Stealing my future.
• Stealing my peace.
• Stealing my identity.

His passing forced me into clarity I never would’ve reached on my own.

So nowadays? I chose life because he no longer had one. I chose healing because he deserved a sister who lived fully.

1. I chose sobriety from the drug.
2. I chose freedom from the toxicity.
3. I chose myself. Each and everyday.

Here's Why I Haven’t Relapsed Since February

So many people have asked me how I did it. How I cut both addictions off at once, completely cold turkey. How I walked away and stayed away.

My honest answer? God carried me.

The grief of my brother's death devastated me, but it has also rewired me. Loss sharpened me. Pain humbled me in ways I can still feel in my bones.

I had to rebuild from the ground up. A new job. A new home. A new version of myself. I had to let go of people who weren’t meant to walk this next road with me. I had to sit with myself, stay with myself, and grow through the recovery process… and I still am, every single day.

There were no shortcuts. No backdoors. No “just one last time.”

Because when you lose someone you love out of nowhere, you suddenly understand how precious your life really is.

How fragile and fleeting it truly is. How undeserving some people and some habits are of your time on this earth.

Since February, I’ve been sober not just because I’m stronger than I was... but because I am finally aware.

• I see through the illusion now.
• I know what withdrawal feels like.
• I know what addiction feels like.
• I know how dangerous it is to lie to yourself.

And I can tell you that peace (even when it’s quiet, even when it’s lonely) will always be better than chaos.

Recovery Is Not Just Possible, It’s Real

If you’re reading this and you’re stuck… If you’re trapped in the loop…

If you feel like you can’t leave… If you’ve tried and gone back…

If you think something is wrong with you… There is nothing wrong with you.

You’re in an addiction cycle. Your brain is responding exactly as it was conditioned to respond.

But cycles break. Addictions heal. Hearts recover. Lives rebuild.

I am living proof. And if I can walk away from drugs and a narcissist in the same month… and stay away with no relapses… You can too!

• Not perfectly
• Not painlessly

But permanently.

Your healing is waiting for you. And I promise… the moment you choose it for real, your whole life begins again.

Below this line was created by AI

Drug Abuse Support

1. SAMHSA National Helpline

24/7 confidential help, treatment referrals, and information.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

2. SMART Recovery

Science-based meetings and tools for addiction recovery.

https://www.smartrecovery.org

Narcissistic Abuse Support

1. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP)

Trauma-healing program focused on breaking trauma bonds and emotional recovery.

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

2. Out of the FOG

Support, education, and validation for those dealing with personality-disordered abuse.

https://outofthefog.website