My Struggle

What do you do when you want to do multiple things in life, but you don't know what to do?

I've always felt like I've had to play catch up in life. It all started in elementary school. Most of it is a blur, except for some key memories; this being one of them. I was in the 3rd grade. My teacher said that I was chosen for a special program and she handed me an envelope to take home to my parents. I was confused, but agreed and took it home. The conversation I had with my parents is a blur, but I imagine it was something along the lines of, "you've been recognized for the gifted program, or GATE, and there is a test you have to take." If one is to pass the test, they are immediately placed into a good of children that have been identified as "accelerated learner." I believe there were 15-20 of us in that program, but in all honesty, it was so long ago that I don't remember. In this program we were given opportunities for my education-driven field trips, like the homesteads and aquarium. I don't really remember having a greater impact than that on my life.

Then in middle school Honors classes were offered. Any Honors class that was available, I was enrolled in. I preferred honors classes because it is a faster pace of learning and I felt welcomed to be surrounded by other children that were also academically inclined. This means less interruptions from the OTHER students. It's kind of saddening because in middle school there was the creation of labels and in a way I feel I contributed to them. I didn't bully anyone, but there was a divide that was created. It was the "smart kids'' and the "regular kids." Everyone knew that the regular kids were less inclined to learn, came from broken homes, and were more likely to act out. I didn't mean to play into this divide, but I didn't socialize with the 'normal' kids because they were annoying to me.

High school was the same routine. AP and Honors classes, band, soccer teams, and just trying to keep my grades up, but here's the moment that I felt I was falling behind. It seemed like everyone else was getting the material really easily and I was really struggling. I started to worry because I didn't want to be part of the normal kids. I know... It sounds awful now, but I wasn't considerate of how my thinking could potentially affect others. My other issue was I was truly becoming a teenager.. I had fallen in love... I thought it was real, but after 6 years it ended up being a huge waste of my time. I wonder how much different my life would've been had I not associated with THAT person. It's too late now. Now it's just a learning experience of what not to do, but you can't predict the future either. I'm not going to use HIM as an excuse for why I was struggling either. It's truly hard to tell a person not to care for someone when they are 100% percent committed to that person. We become blind to their flaws because we truly want to believe that they don't wish to bring us any harm.

Then college came around and things truly took a turn for the worst. Here is the part of my life that everyone seems shocked by when I tell them is the reason for my dilemma. Going into college, I knew I wanted to pursue something in the sciences, but I wasn't sure what so I started my undergrad in biology. In the back of my mind I wanted to be a cardiologist because the anatomy of the heart was fascinating, but after my relationship problems, I thought it was also poetic to research something that was aching and breaking. Once again I was a part of a program in college that was created to make us freshmen feel comfortable and supported. There were about 40 of us that were placed in classes the biology department felt would lead to the greatest success in the shortest amount of time. We were on a quarter system at UC Riverside which means we only had 10 weeks to learn a bunch of material and then we would have to move on and do it over and over again.

We were expected to take Chemistry, Calculus, and Biology in 10 weeks with their labs and discussions. Mind you, these classes were part of a series so the following quarter it would be the same courses, just the next part of the series. The worst part is, if you don't pass the 2nd part of the Chemistry series, then you wouldn't be able to take Biochemistry until you pass. So basically, if you mess up on the first try you're going to get pushed back. After the first two quarters, I went to my counselor and told him I wasn't comfortable in this major anymore and I wanted to switch out before it ruined my GPA. He dismissed me and told me to stick with it. I wasn't eating well, I was drinking a lot of caffeine, and I wasn't getting enough sleep. I felt so sick and I felt like I couldn't absorb any information.

It was then my 2nd year of college and again I approached my counselor and requested to switch out. He said I would become undeclared until I chose another major and that I had to declare one before the end of my 3rd year or I would be dropped from UC Riverside. No pressure, right? So of course, it's my third year and I've finished all my prerequisites. I decided to try Business as my major because I had taken some business courses and had done really well. One day, I went into the department for my meeting with the business counselor and immediately I felt intimidated by those around me. The Business department was composed primarily of white males and they were all staring at me judgingly. For reference, I'm a 5'8" light-skinned Mexican, so you could only imagine what that was like. I didn't let that phase me though, I went into my meeting with the counselor with confidence because after doing well in the business classes, I hadn't predicted any other response but yes.

The business counselor was a woman of ethnic background, I want to say either an Asian or Middle Eastern country, so I felt confident that she would be on my side even more so because she would want to see another female succeed. I was sorely mistaken. She was extremely condescending to me and the last phrase that still haunts me until this day is, "We don't believe you will succeed in this major." How can someone say that after doing well in multiple business courses? So she ended the meeting and I was left with panic and so many questions. I think I went home and cried that night. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had to choose a major. I was going to be kicked out of my university. I've worked too hard to let that happen.

I went home and pulled up the school majors. I went through all the ones that I thought I would have an interest in and went through their prerequisites. Still missing this class. Missing three classes for this one. Missing two for this one. What was I going to do?? Everything requires classes that I don't have. I don't have time. Then I happened upon English. I thought to myself, I can write. I've always enjoyed writing for fun. I used to write crime stories because I was very into CSI and then I used to write things I dreamed could be true one day. I was also the student that would wait until the day before or morning to write my essays and I would get A's on my papers. I learned that I just work better under pressure. Anyway, I looked at the requirements for English and there were none.

So that's how I became an English major and graduated with my B.A. in English in 2017. That was in June 2017. In October 2017 I started working at a hospital that pays me fairly well, but I'm not content because I don't have to use my brain. The work I do is so easy, so I feel like I'm not being challenged and that's what I enjoy. Which leads me back to my beginning question. There are so many things I'm interested in. I am an extremely creative person and therefore my outlet for my creativity is my YouTube Channel, painting, makeup, and writing. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but I feel as though I am above average in all of these and I wish I had a career where I could utilize them all. That's why most days I find myself in tears and frustrated because I know I'm meant for more than I'm doing and I've been applying to other positions, but nothing has come of it.

I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm falling behind in life. I'm 26 and I'll be 27 in August. When I was in high school, I thought I would be married with kids and a house and a career I love. I've just always set these expectations for myself and I've met them and moved the bar, but now I'm stuck. I don't know how to get over this hump and I feel like I've been stuck for the past 4 years. I can't let this go on further. I need to actually figure it out soon. I just have so much personally going on that it makes it so much harder. Or am I just making excuses for myself? Does this now mean that I'm being too hard on myself and need to give myself a break? So many unanswered questions and so much frustration. Will I ever be content with my life?