My Socially Anxious Life

From a young age I knew exactly what I wanted from life: happiness. I wanted to have a close relationship with my family and be surrounded with a large group of friends. However there was one problem: my shyness.

Actually, I wasn’t nessessarily shy. I didn’t mind reveiveing attention and I would talk to most people. In fact, I hated being called shy; I just thought of myself as introverted. I wish I was extroverted but I wasn’t. Quietness is just part of my nature. It’s hard to change that.

I wanted friends but my quiet nature was no help. While I did talk to people, there were certain people I wouldn’t talk to because I was afraid of rejection, something I faced many times growing up. So I stayed quiet and waited for people to approach me first. But no one understood.

In elementary and middle school, my classmates all thought I was weird for being quiet and people would look at me as though I was some kind of alien. I felt isolated but was unable to open up because of my vulnerabilities. My mental health was declining but I was treated with derision.

I went to a different high school than most of the people I used to go to school with. My life improved during my high schools years. I made some friends and joined a few clubs. I made more attempts at opening up but still had my quietness. It was during those years that I was convinced I had social anxiety.

I had previously heard of the condition and read about it online and discovered that my behaviour matched the description. I was always got overwhelmed about having to talk to people I wasn’t familiar with including my own relatives who I didn’t get to see that often. I was too scared to answer the front door. I dreaded going to school everyday. I wanted to be invited to parties but, at the same time, I didn’t want to go. I mostly just wanted to be invited because I didn’t want to be left out. Also, I was always mindful about what others thought of me. I grew up being told not to care what others think and I knew I shouldn’t but I still did.

I started to worry about how this was going to affect my future and when I went into the work force. You have to interact with people in almost every job.

During my final year of high school, I paid a lot of attention to my future especially as I had to choose where I was going for post-secondary. I did most of that year online due to the COVID-19 pandemic. COVID-19 has brought horrible impacts to everyone lives, including mine. I liked not having to being around many people due my fear of social interaction but I did get lonely at times. Since I was so future-focused during that time, I joined student council which was being held virtually.

I brought up some of my ideas but I was still afraid of rejection and everyone’s seeing my ideas as dumb so my participation was limited. But I attended every meeting and listened to others. The student prime minister knew me and she knew I was a quiet person. But she always knew that I had a lot to say but just didn’t. I found I always admired her. She was friendly and liked by a lot of people students and staff alike. She was very involved with our school being a member of several clubs, going on the announcements every other day, and even dressing up as Santa Clause one Christmas. She even volunteered at Churches on weekends. She went on to become valedictorian.

How she found the time to do all of this and complete homework- no one knew. Nearly everything she accomplished was what I wanted to do from Grade 9. To make myself feel better, I later convinced myself that we just had different personalities and I wasn’t meant to be that kind of person.

During one of the last student council meetings we had, she told us something that I took inspiration from. She encouraged us to put ourselves out there.

I didn’t have a lot to do the following summer. I just enjoyed the time off and awaited the fall when I would be studying event management at college. However, during that time, I wondered if my parents would have wanted me to get a part-time job. I was hesitant to apply for jobs because I wanted to hang on to my youth. I’ve been told that these were the best years of my life and I wanted to hold on to that. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to a job.

But by then I was very future-focused. I had just graduated and was starting the next chapter of my life. I was figuring out the type of person I was going to become.

One day during the summer, I was scrolling through social media and saw an advertisement for modelling. I had always enjoyed modelling and acting even though I was shy which I didn’t get. Anyways, I decided to go online and search for agencies and I didn’t expect to find any really because I don’t live in a mega city. However, I actually found several and one was near my home. The agency arranged a few acting classes for me and, month later, I was signed on.

After my college classes began, I decided to put myself out there even more. I registered at an online academy to study acting. I know it’s not the same as in-person but at least I was learning something.

I began to take any opportunity I could find. I started participating in radio and television contests, something I never thought I’d be brave enough to do. I was always the person watching the contests and events unfold from the sidelines or watching from my T.V. screen without taking the chance myself. But I’ve decided to change that.

Whenever I see an opportunity for something I’m interested in I go for it. Recently I saw another advertisement promoting a free acting class for shy people and I joined. I thought I was the only shy person that was interested in acting so I was glad I wasn’t the only one with this problem. I also purchased a voice acting course 83% off it’s original price which I found through social media. I even recieved helpful tips from the acting class I’m taking to help my shyness. What I’ve taken is the steps I must take to remove the mask I put on every time I leave the comfort of my home. And I don’t mean the face mask we put on during these COVID-19 times The mask that I consciously prevents the world from seeing who I truly am.

One of my friends recently told me that it’s okay to be rejected. Everyone has faced critism in some way. She told me to think of the many opportunities you’d be missing because you cared too much of what others thought.

What I’ve learned is to try. Put yourself out there. I may not be ready to become a vocal leader but I’m taking little steps. I’ve even been researching more about social anxiety to learn more about what I can do to improve I’m going to take whatever opportunity comes my way and live the best life I can.