My Friend’s Wife Threatens To Kill Herself If My Friend Leaves Her.

My friend just rang me via our work channel. I found it odd, as we are in two separate departments, we have no work-related topics to discuss together, so there was no need to call me via Microsoft Teams.

I knew something was up.

His wife had another mental breakdown. This time she was threatening to harm their unborn baby, around midnight, she argued with him and took a knife in her hands and pointed it towards her belly. She is 8 months pregnant.

He begged her to stop arguing, she didn’t listen, he tried to walk away from the argument, she didn’t like it — so she attacked him. He showed me bruises through the Microsoft Teams camera.

I was angry with myself. I felt as if it was my fault somehow.

You see, three months ago he spoke to me about how he feels threatened in the relationship and I dismissed it. I thought he was exaggerating, how could his tiny wife intimidate him ?! It seemed impossible.

I remember on another occasion after we all had a barbeque together, he took me aside, held onto my hands and showed me a scratch across his neck. He looked at me as if pleading:

“She goes nuts and hits me repeatedly. Please, you have to believe me. She will deny it”.

He is 44 years old, divorced and has one child from his past relationship, where he was emotionally abused — mostly gaslighted and stonewalled. Now he is in a new relationship, I introduced him to her — they are expecting a baby and she is treating him worse than all of us could have ever imagined.

I approached her once and she denied everything. That evening she caused him a scene and since then she has been repeatedly saying things such as:

“If you leave me, I will kill myself and our baby!”

“You don’t care if I die. I should just end the things right now!” — she tried to jump out of the window.

“If you loved me, then you will delete all your social media and stop going to the office! You can work from home, you know!?”.

I thought I knew her well. I’ve been friends with her for nearly two years — she seemed normal. However, she tricked us all.

He made recordings of the arguments and incidents. He tried to persuade her to go to counselling together, to work on things, to change and eliminate this psychotic behaviour.

“I don’t have a problem, you do — I am pregnant and stressed!”

She wasn't pregnant a year ago when she punched him because he received a text from his sister, she didn’t know then that it was his sister. She assumed it was some “whore who he fucks on the side”.

The latest incident changed something in him and in me as well. We are both scared of her. But what do we do?

She nearly stabbed her own unborn baby because he told her that he would rather spend his “bachelor party” with his friends while she should spend her hen party with her own friends. As the majority of people do. She got upset!

She is obsessively jealous, and that’s her other excuse. She chose not to do anything about it. She lashes out at him, assaults him and the next day pretends as if nothing happened.

Today my friend told me that he is fearing for his unborn child. He also told him that he is scared that no one would believe him. He also feels humiliated.

He changed everything about himself for her — he eats only plants now, doesn't smoke or drink, practises yoga and pilates, sees his child rarely, has no social media accounts, doesn’t go out with friends and does cooking classes on Sundays.

She demands, he obliges.

She threatens suicide each time he doesn't agree with her — so he stopped having an opinion.

We suspect that she is mentally unwell — but she doesn't want to see a doctor. It’s so upsetting, frustrating and confusing. It destroyed his feelings about the relationship. Every argument, under this circumstance, turns into a crisis that requires all his attention.

Everything else is falling apart around him too. He can't dedicate any time to any of the other obligations in his life.

She demands all of his attention.

My friend is a very empathetic, caring person.

She, on the other hand, is controlling. She inflicts control over him by threatening suicide — one of the most abusive behaviours.

These comments can only come from people who are toxic. They are not giving you love — they are inflicting fear upon you. Their goal is to make you feel guilty enough to stay in the relationship or keep doing what they want you to do because they’re afraid.

They think if you leave, they’re nothing without you. They think that their happiness comes from you. They put all of their time and attention into you to get back what they don’t have access to inside themselves — they have this empty void that they need to fill with you.

This behaviour is extremely harmful and includes:

• Threatening suicide/ break up/ self-destruction when you stand up for yourself
• They make you prove your commitment by doing what they want
• They imply that it will be your fault if anything bad happens to them

How To Handle Suicide Threats?

• Show that you care but keep your boundaries!
• Don’t negotiate with terrorists — don’t yield to their demands!
• Suggest “joint” or “individual” therapy — book one yourself
• Don’t argue — leave the house.
• Let other people know what is going on.
• Keep a record (make recordings and videos) of the incidents.
• Practise self-care, remember you don’t have to prove anything

Remember — you are not guilty!

If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love — they wish to control you!

Consider the tips above and try to get help as soon as possible. Talk to counsellors and loved ones about your situation and leave the relationship if things don’t improve in the agreed timeframe. You can't force your partner to change — you can guide them, but you will never be able to “fix” them if they don’t want to change their own behaviour.

Remember you don’t have to suffer because of them, nor should your children.

Thank you for reading and your support.

This article was originally published by me here.