My Emotional Rollercoaster Relationship with Him

This story has nothing to do with the roller coaster ride or my experience on a roller coaster ride if that's what you are thinking. This is a story of my horrendous emotional abusive on and off relationship with my ex.

I know I've told this story on how my life my last article about my life being a single mother but this is something I want to share with my families, my friends and of course everyone who has been in toxic emotionally abusive relationships about my relationship with my ex (Xavier's Dad). It started off in high school during 3rd period History class. I was a junior I remember I used to have a huge crush on him until I found out he was already dating someone. When I found out that he had a girlfriend, I was little bit upset but I tried my best to get over him. I heard on the morning announcements that they were holding auditions for the school musical Guys & Dolls so I thought why not go and audition unfortunately I missed the auditions (if you read "After watching Guys and Dolls, I felt guilty.....and went in a depressed phase that it reminded me of my high school production version of Guys and Dolls" you would know the story). After missing the auditions for Guys & Dolls, I decided to help out as a tech crew for the school musical just to gain some SSL hours until I saw him. I never thought I would see him again even though we have the same class period but I was like you know what just stay in your lane, be cool, be nice, and not say a word unless he wants me to help him with something.

During rehearsals, I will never forget the day he held me with his muscular arms around my waist. I was kind of confused at first no one has ever done that to me before then he kissed me and says "I LOVE YOU". Three words I never thought I would hear from any man not even from my ex-boyfriends. It turns out he broke up with his girlfriend a month ago before we started dating. We began our relationship until my good friend, Peter told me that he has a history of cheating on his exes. I thought that's not going to happen maybe he's different with me. So I avoided Peter and continued on my relationship with him.

The "Entanglement" begins

If you look up the word "entanglement" in the dictionary, you would find

Or In August's definition,

"when you get tangled in the sheets"

or you would probably recgonized that populous word from Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. When Jada brought her husband Will Smith to talk about her "entanglement" with singer August Alsina. Or you may have seen some entanglements on reality TV like for example, Peter, Amina, & Tara from Love & Hip Hop New York. That's pretty much where my ex put me in and that's where it begins...

After Spring Break was over, we finally reunited with each other and continued on as a couple. Everything was going fine until I found his Facebook page and added him as a friend. On his Facebook page, I found pictures of him and his ex girlfriend and never mentioned me on his Facebook post. I mean he did say he and his ex are just friends but I didn't nothing All I have done as his girlfriend was trust him and accepted that he and his ex being friends.

What the hell was I thinking?

He started to act a little shady towards me then he started to change his Facebook in a relationship with her (his ex, not me) I was upset I asked him why. He told he wants to end the relationship just so I can find happiness in someone else. I was heartbroken I didn't want to let go him because I was still in love with him. He never mentioned that he still loves his ex. At school, we had private conversation I told him he was the first guy who expressed his love unlike any of my exes. He felt the same way but he was confused unsure what he wanted. So he decided to break up with her and give our relationship another try until two months after giving our love another try he cheated on me with his ex (the same girl he changed his status to.) He told me he is not with her but he lied to me. I was fooled finally realizing Peter was right. I broke up with him. I was celebrating my freedom from him until I couldn't take it. I'm still attached to him like glue it was too hard to let go. Over the weekend, we messaged each other on Facebook telling me how sorry he was and admits to be still be in love with me and his ex. HE WANTED TO DATE BOTH OF US. I wasn't for the whole polygamy crap and wanted him to decide.

Me or his ex?

The next day, when I went to show choir practice during lunch period, he was in the choir room, where we practice for show choir. He begged me to take him back and I gave him another chance. Four months in to the relationship was going so well until he cheated on me with ex again. It was a lot of drama. He put me through my ups and downs in the worst way. Going back and forth on me and his ex. It got so worse that I became so depressed, I barely looking at myself in the mirror, hardly eating, always crying and feeling sad or miserable when I come to school. And My friends and teachers all around me would ask me if I was okay.

And I would say:

"I'm fine!"

No I'm not I'm going through a f**king break up (words I wish I could have said.) Over the weekend, he changed his relationship status on Facebook to in a relationship with her and posted a pic with him and his ex in bed together like he didn't care for me at all. And here I am heartbroken trying to mend from the break up. My brother and sister trolled the picture on Facebook just to cheer me up but I didn't want them to do that. I grew angry at him. Until she messaged me asking me if I still love him. I said, "Yes I still love him." She messaged told me that "he still loves you and he is with me because he wants my body"I was beyond grossed out. He loves me but he is with her for sex. When I messaged him, he denied that he slept with her then takes it back tells me he did slept with her. After all, he was her first. It was like how could you moment even though we were broken up. He continued even though he still says he loves me. I felt alone I have nobody in my life. I had no choice but to commit suicide. I messaged him telling him that I am going to end my life. I said goodbyes with him. The next morning, before my mom went to work, I went in her room took the razor blades from her drawers. My mom left for work and said my goodbyes to her, which I thought would be my last goodbye to my mother. I arrived at the school hid in the girls’ bathroom slitting both of my wrists on my arms with the razor blades. One of my friends found me in the bathroom and sent me to the nurse. After I explained everything to the nurse, my friends were really upset that I tried to take my own life and my mom was in tears. I've gotten help at the Crisis Center to get me to intervene myself back into reality. Over the summer, I had to move on and accept he has someone else in his life. I apologized to him the next day to let him know that I was wrong for cutting myself. He forgave me but he tried to get with me I thought he was still with her but he told me they were broken up. He asked me back but I resisted I didn't trust him but something in my heart still loved him. My idiot self took him back. However, I did message his ex on Facebook asking her if they were broken up. She messaged back telling me that they are still together and she is messaging him that "being with her is a mistake" .

Then she later messaged me told me and said:

"He told me that you gave him hell!!!"

It was at that point I saw red. I messaged him and asked him if he really told her that. He admitted that he did say that to her and said that I kept comparing him to my exes. He was such an a-hole to think I gave him "hell" and I'm the one that is stuck in the middle of the love triangle. Plus, I never compared him to his exes. It was insane! We got into a whole ass argument and ended things from there. He played my emotions making me stop talking to him. He apologized and later retracted what he said. We took some time off from each other and later got back together on my senior year of high school. We stayed together for 2 years until things got rocky with each other. After we graduated from high school, we barely hung out together, he hangs out with his friends than me, he doesn’t want to go on dates with me anymore, and doesn’t treat me like his girlfriend anymore.Our sex life we never use protection, we had sex more than 10 times at his in his bedroom at his mom's house and we still got away with it until in 2014 I found out I was pregnant with our son. When I told him I was pregnant, he backed away, dumped me for another girl, and said he wants nothing to do with my pregnancy.

What a dummy!

I know you might think this is one of the most stupidest horrible fucked up story you have ever read but yeah it is my reality. Now that we have a kid together the only thing I can think of now is I could've found someone else but nope. It was at that point I hated him and my fucking dumb ass teenage self. Thankfully I got off that roller coaster ride of our relationship and I am happy that I am moving forward with my life as single mother to our son.

If you want to read about my pregnancy story, you can read my article right here

Check out my poem "Grow Up"