Missing salt

I woke up early today as i always do, i need to prepare my lunchbox. I rushed to wash my face, as i look in the mirror i can clearly see the trails of tears in my cheeks from last night. I Prayed in total silence and darkness, felt a little better.

In the kitchen cooking some pasta and chicken. While i’m adding mushrooms to my chicken sauce i zoned out; she never knew how much i love mushrooms. but it’s okay, salt is missing. I then broke the silence that was about to eat me alive; siri play my favourite song… (je te laisserai des mots) started playing.

I’m not a fan of french songs but this song makes me put my weapons and chill. I love how it turns to be a happy song when i am but also a sad song when i’m sad. It just matches my vibe which got me speechless. I remember when i first discovered it 4years ago in the back of my dad’s car while travelling. I kept it on repeat with my headphones on while contemplating the mountains. My lunch is prepared and now i’m pouring milk in a bowl of my protein serial, sat in the dinning table all by myself, it’s still dark outside and now (love me back by trinidad cardona) is playing, i sometimes get amazed of how i like mixing my songs together. It’s such a vibe to me.

I said suddenly; i love mornings, eveyone’s still sleeping and finally i can have some pure alone time to refresh my mind. I adore thinking about random stuff, it tickles my brain if that makes sense. As i ate my food and cleaned the mess i did. I sat in the couch and started reading my book. It’s called (think before it’s too late) it’s a gift given by one of my siblings to me. Maybe to help me be mature about the missing salt, or to change the way i see it. I have no idea, but i like it. I’ve always been into self development books. My book is not as addictive as how i like my books but still it got some interesting parts that never failed to make me close the book and look at the ceiling for some good time. It’s already the sunshine and i can hear soft noises outside of kids getting out of their houses to go to school. Well, it’s time. I took my backpack and my non ironed bluse and went out … the salt is missing.

When class gets boring, i lean my head on both of my hands and think of last weekend.. this is not the first weekend i passed with that female friend, but she caught me off guard everytime i’m with her. She knows about the salt. I have no idea who told her but I’m pretty sure she does. I’m reminded of how close her face was towards mine, her huge eyes were looking directly at me trying to look confident but can’t keep eye contact any longer, i can tell that she’s impatient. I still see how perfect her eyeliner was drawn in her white face and the weight of her head on my left shoulder, her hair curls and how she doesn’t mind me touching them. One of my weird friends told me once how much I’m lucky to be her favourite girl. Little does he know that the salt is still missing. Sugar will never be salt right.. At the lunch break, i opened my lunchbox under my school mate’s gaze. And took two forks out of my backpack. As soon as they take the first bite their eyes widen. Are you sure you made this by yourself? They asked.

Yes i did, cooking was one of my hobbies but the salt is missing so it’s not that fun to do anymore. I whispered.

What do you mean the salt is missing? This thing is bussing. They said with a full mouth.

I- I wasn’t talking about …

Back to class, that classmate won’t shut up again. And I’m thinking why are the fools the ones who talk too much and somehow they understand everything in any topic told in class. They’re so loud and I can’t resist but to check my phone, a text message sent by my male friend; are you coming today?

Of course, i’m always coming!!

Perfect, i’ll be waiting. See u there.

I liked the message and smiled. And now I can’t wait until school’s over.

The bell rang and so i rushed to my dads car. I know he’s mad at me because i never took my earbuds off my ears but the salt is missing and i wish i could take him with me to that perfect world in my head. I know he doesn’t enjoy people that much.

As soon as i got back home I rushed to meet my bike. It knows very well due the routine that it’s time for us to go discover new spots around and stop for nearly one hour to lift heavy circles. No one knows that i have named it Fiona because if i did i’ll then sound weird, just how my former friend sounded like when she said that she names her guitars, i still remember how i burst into laughter that day. I parked Fiona near a pomegranate tree and entered what i call home. My friend is already there waving at me from far away, he can see my molars of how much I’m smiling. It’s my favourite hour of the day man, as soon as i extend my hand to great my friend, he gave me some honey and salt out of nowhere. That man’s crazy and i love it. I put about a table spoon of honey in the dorsal side of my hand and poured some salt on top of it. The salt ..

I and without thinking much put the mixture of the salt and honey in my mouth, drank some sips of water then stated lifting. It was the tri and chest day. At the evening, I’m heading back home but not before drinking a cup of coffee outside. My coffee can never get accepted by my guts without some music tickling my ears and yet i’m now listening to (lonely in the forest by izmi maruf).

Later that day, and after i got out of my refreshing cold shower. I checked my phone to find out a missed call by my neighbour, called again and they asked if we’re going to study together this evening like we always do.. of course, i said.. anything to forget about the missing salt. Okay i’ll get down in 3 minutes as i wear something on.

Five more minutes to dry your hair, I don’t want you to get sick. She said.

And while i’m doing what i need to do, checking my gains in the huge mirror placed in the corner of my room, i feel stronger.. started kissing my bicep and shoulders hysterically wishing that no one is secretly stalking me or then i’ll be super embarrassed of the situation. The body dysmorphia i had 3 months ago have disappeared. I smiled and realised how powerful my girl is to make me feel good about myself just using her compliments. I can’t denny the fact that i blush every time she calls me muscle mommy. I know it’s silly but I can’t control myself. I dried my hair a little and wore some warm clothes but still feel cold, i guess that’s what people whom have missed salt feel like. I took some school books and got out of home. I wanted to feel something but the salt is missing. My friend was already at my front door, asked me if i’m still bulking and my response was so obvious. Yes, i said.

She then handed me a pack of snacks token out of her jacket pocket and smiled. I know that her love language is buying people stuff and I can’t deny it. We went to the closest library and took out our math homework. I was checking hers and mentioned how her teachers are so crazy to give homeworks like that, she said the same while checking my homework as well. She’s way smarter than me in math and science and that might be the reason that we’re friends in the first place.

At 10pm both of us are heading homes. Still, my earpuds are in my ears and I can’t take them off because I’m afraid of the realisation that i’m missing my salt. I still wanna live in the shell of privacy and comfort i made.

As i lay in bed and look at the ceiling of my room. I feel so relaxed after changing and praying. My day has been finished and yet my eyes won’t close, i feel like something is missing but I can’t tell what it is. I started scrolling on my phone and see all those memes posted by my close friends on social media platforms. They are so related to me and so they never fail to make me laugh. I played a song called engravings by Ethan Borthnick. I have no idea about the meaning of his lyrics but still, i adore this song.

My phone vibrated as a text message came.

Took my phone to check because i have already guessed who’s the sender.

Have a warm night and sweet dreams AKA dream about me. Love you bae, lots of kisses.

I remember that i didn’t answer the message, didn’t even put a reaction on it. All i remember is the feeling of my wet cheeks on my soft pillow and then nothing. And suddenly, my dictionary doesn’t have the word salt in it.

At the end of the day you’ll found out that the missing salt was never lost but hidden in the tears of the ocean. Waiting on you to notice it as u bend your head and build your path in darkness.