Merlot and Lies

I moved to Washington D.C. six months ago. I always dreamed of being a 5’9 “IT” girl living in a bustling metropolis; skulking around in fabulous clothes; dating gorgeous men; and sharing stories you only tell close friends who help bury a dead bodies (you know what I mean).

Reality sucks. It has been six months and I am working a stressful job with no eye-candy. This city is inhabited by people who are not that freaking friendly. The only man I meet with regularity is Mike working the register at Safeway.

Refusing to settle for another boring weekend, I joined Matchafish an online dating site. With the username Simplyperfeckt4u, I introduced myself as a professional go-getter with a hint of sass. My personality traits include a sprinkle of humor with a dash of playful sexiness. My final sentence was “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” Hmm, I understood that could be mistaken for being a slutbucket, but that’s not what I meant…unless I d.i.d.

As I started getting messages, I stretched out on the couch like a trusting kitten. Exposing my bellybutton to the ceiling, I was in a safe place interacting with the “cool” people. This pattern went on for months. I was really comfortable with surface level conversations going nowhere.

On a Sunday at 7:26 p.m., MrGoodBar messaged: I read your profile and I find you intriguing.

I wasn’t responding unless he measured on my cuteness meter. I peered at his profile with slight disinterest; however, my pupils dilated as I took him in. Perched against a bungalow, alongside a backdrop of white sand, was this 6’2 shirtless man with military dog tags resting upon his chest. Khaki shorts rested gingerly on his thighs revealing the muscular lower stomach indentation that women swoon over. I could get lost in his eyes and his smile was warm.

I shot up on the couch like Tuesday whenI forgot to set the alarm. My heart was beating with excitement but I had to play it cool. So I responded casually.

Simplyperfeckt4u: What’s up?

MrGoodBar: I was just about to stop my subscription to this site because I found most women lacked substance. Your profile was light-hearted and extremely witty. I am interested to know what else lies beneath your beautiful smile.

Simplyperfeckt4u: Awww, thanks (my inner kitty is purring). I am a woman with multiple layers like your favorite cake or bean dip. Sorry for the food reference, but I am getting hungry, Lunch wore off about four hours ago.

MrGoodBar: I know on the surface you are a beautiful woman. I can’t help but wonder how your layers are associated with life experiences. I am looking for stimulating conversation, and creating new adventures together. I have been around long enough to know what I don’t want. I just don’t want to waste time playing games. Would you be interested in meeting for a glass of wine paired with a good meal and conversation?

Simplyperfeckt4u: I am pretty busy with work projects right now.

MrGoodBar: I understand but you have to eat at sometime right? Today is Sunday, let’s meet seven days from now. You should have built up an appetite after 5 days of straight work and no sustenance.

Simplyperfeckt4u: Let me think about it.

MrGoodBar: Fair enough.

SUNDAY

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror with the most stupid grin. I just had a realistic conversation with a GREEK GOD!!!!! I needed an intervention. See, I was not completely honest on my profile. The beautiful pictures he saw online were me; however, I had gained a pound or sixty of them. I mean whose counting anyway.

I am really tired of surface level chicks. I can tell from her profile that she is a funny girl. Her body is amazing. She has legs for days and that dress hugged her body in all the right places. I can tell she really works out. I wanted to lockdown a meeting time but she seems a little hard to get. Most women I chat with are more eager because of my pics. I used an app to edit my pictures. I wonder if she will mind that those pictures are more than 15 years old. I have since retired from the military and my gray hair is has receded to the middle of my forehead. It shouldn’t matter……

MONDAY

I have a week to lose 60 pounds. I grab a garbage bag and collect the chips, cookies, bean dip, bread, crackers, pasta, and rice. It is time to throw it out and start fresh. As I walk out the door to the trash bin, I realize I spent $50 dollars on this food so I march my happy hips back in the apartment and stuff the bag in my hallway closet. I need my baseline weight so I get on the scale, curse it out and go to bed.

I think I should work on looking younger. After work I am going to run to that new store What’s Trending to get some pants that the young bucks are wearing. I’m going to do 100 pushups a day before I go to work. Yeah, I need to come up with a plan for my hair though.

WEDNESDAY

I wake up thinking about MrGoodBar but my thoughts are a little foggy. I am still captivated by his curly dark hair, smooth skin, and engaging communication style. It’s been two days since I have tried this KETO lifestyle. I feel a dull pain behind my eyes making it difficult to concentrate. I grab coffee with two eggs and head to work. By noon, I want to kill the next person walking by my desk carrying carbs. No, my attitude did not get any better. I think I have the KETO flu.

I am sore as heck. I added squats to my pushup routine and had to use the elevator at the medical center that houses my diabetic specialist, foot doctor and cardiologist. I am in great health though for a man my age. I hope she likes my new slacks. I am not used to the double belts, and extra zippers but the combat pocket on the side felt like home.

MrGoodBar: Good Evening. I am hopeful you are building an appetite for Sunday. May I recommend we meet at 7:00 pm at Le Blanc located on Duke Street in Alexandria, Virginia. They have an excellent wine selection.

Simplyperfeckt4u: Hello! I have heard of that place. I hope they have great salads because I really haven’t been eating that much lately. I will see you there.

MrGoodBar: Great, it’s a date!

This will be my first in-person date with a man since I moved to Washington D.C. I twirl around my living room with happiness. I have lost 4 pounds so far and it feels good. Every woman has a dress that camouflages a few pounds. I just got this black maxi dress from Etsy with pleats in the front. I could hide a fifth grader and his favorite toy under this thing. It’s all about giving good face. My hair and makeup will be flawless. What is not to love?

SUNDAY

I get to the restaurant an hour early. I have to find a table with the best lighting for my makeup. The hostess sits me in a booth with a nearby window showcasing Old Alexandria. A day ago, I couldn’t take it anymore and ate the cake and cookies in the hallway closet. That KETO life is not for me.

I could really use a glass of Merlot from my home subscription to Bright Cellars. When I get home, I am going to open that bottle from Italy and enjoy the rich rustic full-bodied aroma. BUT, I am not home and I need it now so I order a glass to calm my nerves.

It’s 7:10 and I noticed mostly couples entering the restaurant. My cheeks turn warm as I realize I may be stood up. I only see a man sitting on the entryway bench but he is older with a stomach protruding from his son’s pants. I start to grow impatient.

I have been at the restaurant since 6:55 and she hasn’t come in yet. I sincerely hope I am not being stood up. I have scanned the restaurant. I did spot a woman who favored the pictures in my date’s profile but she is pregnant sitting alone probably waiting for her husband. Let me send a message to see if she is running late.

MrGoodBar: Hey, I see you may be running late. I arrived at the restaurant at 6:55 and I am sitting on the only bench in the entryway. Hope to see you soon.

What the hell!?! How DARE he be deceptive on his profile! He is 30 years older than his pictures. What happened to that curly hair? Is he going to pay for his meal with the restaurant’s senior citizen’s discount? As I angrily stare at him, I am casing the joint for the exits. I drain my glass of Merlot. I stare out of the window; however the anger is becoming replaced with shame. MrGoodBar was here on time and didn’t recognize me. I wasn’t authentic on my profile either.

Simplyperfeckt4u: I am to your right in the booth next to the window.

OMG, she is pregnant and she never mentioned it. I am too old to be somebody’s daddy. Where is the father? I don’t want no drama. Act cool. Wait, is that wine she is drinking in her condition? How inappropriate. The baby could be born with Fetal Alcoholic Syndrome. Order water and get out of here. I walk to the table introduce myself as Sean and sit down. She does have a pretty nice smile.

The conversation was anemic at first. Sean asked me if I was seriously seeing someone. I think he believes I am too cute to be single. I noticed a weird facial expression when I mentioned how great the wine selection was at Le Blanc. I ordered us two glasses of Merlot since it was so good.

I do have admiration for men who serve our country. Although his military history seemed extensive, I marveled at his world view. Sean asked me if I had children. Aww, he thinks I would make a good mother. I replied that I would like children in 2 years or so and he seemed to be computing numbers in his head. I just shrugged it off because mental math was more my generation anyway.

We stayed at the restaurant for 2 hours; however, I don’t think it was a match. It really wasn’t about him but my realization that I was hindering myself from building something real. I showed up tonight with a representation of myself. How could I build a relationship on trust if the foundation housed untruths? When I got home, I took down those photos and posted pictures I took today before my date. I am thick and this is who I am take it or leave it. I don’t know how really feels so I will just do me.

I enjoyed her wit and intellect. It took me a minute but I realize she wasn’t with child just looked differently from her original pictures. Her conversation was engaging and she has this aura about her that draws me in. I need to be honest with myself and recognize that if I want a high quality woman I need to be a high quality man. I don’t need to compete with younger men. I just need to be myself.

Sunday at 10:30 p.m., MrGoodBar messaged I see you updated your profile. You are a beautiful woman. I would like to see you again.

My inner kitten started purring. Yaaaaassss, hopefully new adventures await!