Me in Abyss

I look at myself at times, but those time are as rare as they are uncomfortable. The sight in the mirror is not a frightening reflection, representing some skewed and obsessive view that I have of myself. Rather, it is simply uncomfortable for me to make eye contact with, well, me. I am not uncomfortable with eye contact, far be it actually, nor am I uncomfortable with the way I look. It is something else entirely.

It is the pain.

Or more specifically, the pain that may be there when I look. The pain I have seen before, behind the endless reflections of myself in the eyes, should I look closely. The pain I have always tried to avoid, and ignore, in my stoic, and sometimes ignorant way. Pain we have all experienced in some from or another. Pain that is relative and relatable. Pain that only I feel but know others can and do in themselves. It is something I have never tried to put into words before, and those words don’t seem to hold enough meaning now that I write them, but at the same time, they at times can dress that pain up with clown make up and make it ridiculous and cheap.

Sometimes I don’t want cheap.

Yet then I have buyers remorse, and return it for the cheaper version, which in the end, is the better one. Put it into words. Either on a page in some stream of consciousness, or perhaps a well thought out prose. Speak those words into someones ear or to the wall. It matters not but matters greatly that you do release those words into the universe to discard the burden in some small way, but a way nonetheless.

Isn’t that human nature, though? Knowing better. We all do it in some way. Some do it with trivial daily things that have little effects, and others with much more serious, consequential things.

Yet, looking outward is where happiness is found, in my opinion. Looking outward can be looking forward. Towards ones future perhaps. Towards a destination, or a goal, that one has set for themselves. Looking outward can also be as simple as seeing the blue sky being painted by wispy clouds on a crisp summer day. Seeing a tree dancing gently in the breeze. Seeing your child playing with laughter and innocent bliss. It could be as simple as losing yourself in a good television program that you have waited all week for the newest episode.

Looking forward to the path ahead on a long walk through nature. Watching people pass as you sit sipping a coffee on a patio in the city.

I would rather see those things that my reflection any day. I would rather see the reflections of trees and mountains that skirt a cold lake that I would have trouble finding the nerve to dive into.

I look outward in order to put my troubles and concerns into perspective.

Either I see people, and know that each and every one that passes through my vision has their own struggles or worries. I know some are better at dealing with them, or better at hiding them. I know that they would love to share some of that burden with people who are willing, or in some cases with people who aren’t.

Or perhaps, I look at the night sky, and on a clear night, would be struck by the infinite that is above. By the unknown. By the immensity of the universe and how lucky I feel to be a part of it. We are all a small part of the universe as it experiences itself in countless ways. To recognize this puts all into relief.

Yet I still avoid that reflection with reckless abandon and knowing better.