Maybe slightly agoraphobic.

If you ever wonder if you are truly an introvert, have surgery.

I know this sounds weird in all the ways, like who doesn’t think they’re an introvert? What introvert actually things they are an extrovert? For some of us extroverted-introverts, it actually can be confusing, believe it or not. It used to be confusing for me, until I read the book Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I thought, because I have always had very social jobs, have always been very chatty, and can show up to be the life of the party, always got in trouble for talking too much in class- I thought I must be an extrovert. What introvert talks that much? But then why do I prefer to be home? Why am I so exhausted after socializing? Why can I spend hours upon hours, if not days upon days, by myself in complete silence and not go mad? And then I read that book, learned that extroverted-introverts DO exist, that I am one of them, and the true marker of an introvert versus an extrovert is not necessarily what the world sees, but how we recharge. This was life-changing for me.

See, an extrovert might have a stressful day and seek out social settings to decompress and recharge. The bar after work, brunch with the girlies on a Sunday after a stressful week, a concert with a group, a weekend getaway with friends. To an extrovert, other people are what charges their battery. They get their energy from others. They are, in a way, the takers. Are there introverted-extroverts? Absolutely. But how they recharge is the same. By being around other people. And then, we have the introverts.

Introverts, whether they look or sound introverted or not, will recharge in solitude. Absolute solitude. Quiet. We drive home with our radios off and sit in our cars in our driveways before interacting with our pets or our people. We love our boyfriends and girlfriends and spouses and partners but ask them to go fishing or on a weekend getaway with a friend or ask them to pretend like we don’t exist for a night or a weekend, while we hide under the sheets in an air-conditioned room, scrolling on our phones and watching movies. And sometimes, we get hotel rooms and call them La Quinta nights. You can read about them here.

If we do hang out with friends, it is usually with a singular friend, and that singular friend is also an introvert, so we both have to crawl out of our caves to be social and it may feel daunting to do so, but we will spend hours catching up before going our separate ways and doing it again in another few months, because we are the same type of people. And if we need to socialize more than once in a week, or two, or even a month, we will need probably a month to recover. And then we envy over Instagram photos of girl groups doing girl things and wish that we had a girl group to do girl things with, and then you remember that you are not cut out for girl weekends, and one-on-one is enough, thank you very much. Extroverts truly do not understand how exhausting it is to be an introvert and to exist in a world designed for extroverts. Truly.

For the extroverted-introverts, such as myself, it can be a little confusing. Our social battery depends on A LOT of things. For example, when I worked in an office and didn’t talk to anyone all day, I could go out after work, have drinks, go to parties, etc, because I didn’t use any of my battery during the day, sequestered to my desk doing payroll. I looked very much like an extrovert. As a hairstylist, I give everything I can to my clients because I love them, while making sure I save some of my battery for my family. The last thing I want to do is go out to do anything after work.

And sometimes, we DO do things like go to concerts and parties, and even if it is our most favorite band ever, we will dread the outing for weeks. The night before, and maybe even the day of, we regret buying the tickets. We try to convince ourselves to either eat the cost of the tickets or suck it up and go. Go see the band. Go to the party. And so, we go. And when we are there, we have THE BEST TIME and decide that we are going to do it more often because it. was. awesome. You swear you are going to make an effort to make more friends and do more things because this was a blast. You are going to be SOCIAL. YOU ARE GOING TO BE INVITED TO EVERYTHING AND YOU WILL NEVER MISS ANOTHER EVENT EVER. And then you get home and cry in your closet because you realize how overstimulated you are, and you don’t do another social event for another few months. This is the cycle. IYKYK.

But this is just life while juggling jobs and families and societal expectations and patriarchy and all of it, right? Maybe I’m not an introvert but I’m just tired? Well, if loving the COVID lockdown wasn’t my first clue that I am, then having surgery did. I had foot surgery on June 10th, and for three weeks, I haven’t been able to walk or drive or work. I’ve left my house for doctor’s appointments, lunch on my husband’s birthday and I think one extracurricular outing, like to the grocery store or something. So maybe 6 times. I haven’t socialized with anyone but my husband but twice- once with my friend Katy, my other favorite introvert, who brought me dinner and we chatted on the porch until we were caught up, and one other time with friend who picked me up for an appointment. If I didn’t leave my house again for another two weeks or didn’t talk to anyone else for another two weeks, I would be just fine. It’s weird, being like this. I don’t consider it antisocial, (ok maybe a little bit,) but more than that, it just allows my brain to function properly.

I actually thought I’d have so much time to read and write while I was off work and let me tell you- it took a solid two weeks to declutter my brain before I could even sit down to read or write anything. I worked extra hard, putting in extra hours before surgery to try and make up for being gone. That, plus preparing for surgery, plus my dad living with us part time, plus getting a kid ready to go off to college, and graduation, and all the things, I couldn’t even find a smidgeon of creativity in my brain until now. Like, so many conversations and so many people for so many weeks, it took me TWO WEEKS to recover from it all. To recharge enough to be able to just sit and read a chapter or write a little essay. So yeah, I’m an introvert. If it wasn’t clear before, it is now.

At some point, I will have to go back to work. I’m dreading it a little. Not because I don’t like my job- I do. I feel so lucky to have a job I love and to have incredible clients. I wish there was some way to see them remotely, but alas, that technology does not exist, so I will love them in person. But I’m dreading going back into the world, now that I finally got my brain all quiet and my soul all charged up. I just started feeling creative and all write-ey again for the first time in a very long time and I’m afraid I will lose it once I go back out there. I’m also afraid of the assault of sights and sounds and smells that wait for me outside in the real world. Sometimes I feel afraid that I will turn into an agoraphobic because honestly, I like it in my house. And what if one day I like it so much that I actually do start to become afraid of going out in the world. Is there a name for that? A phobia that you might develop a phobia? Anyway, that’s where I’m at these days. I total introvert that is perfectly fine not leaving her house or speaking to people for weeks on end. I am actually looking forward to having my second surgery just to be able to do this all over again, which I know is weird. Who looks forward to surgery? I do, because it means solitude and quiet and gives my body and brain the time it needs to juice up, after running on 5% battery day in and day out. And I get to do it guilt free, and I love that for me.

So to quote a favorite meme of mine, introverts unite, separately, in your own homes. See you next time.