Loneliness

Almost every day goes by where I think about how lonely I am. I mean, I love people, when they around me I make them feel like they are my family and I'm a very lively happy person who wants others to feel special when they are around me.

I'm a married woman, with 3 adult kids. I have a mother and father who divorced when I was young. I lived with my father and my siblings lived with my mother after that. I remember one time, my mother decided to move to another province, taking both my siblings with her. Her reasoning...she thought she was dying and needed to be with her parents. (And why wouldn't she leave them with their own father??? That's another question I've always had. She'd just rather them not have a father in their life..when there was nothing wrong with ours.)

Her father, abused her all her young life...and here she was taking her children into the lions den. I remember receiving a hand written letter from her after she left. There's even video of me at 15yrs old reading it and crying. Was this one of the first times I felt abandoned or lonely...maybe even not worth love?

Over the years of living with my father..and he did a great job raising me and making sure I felt loved, I always remember him talking about my siblings, missing them like crazy and being upset that he couldn't see them. Sometimes it made me feel like I wasn't enough, or that I didn't exist. Especially when he talked about my little brother. This was his only boy after-all. And I know he still to this day misses having him around all the time.

Fast forward to me being married and having my own kids. Married for 26yrs, my boys are 25, 22 and 18 and I still feel invisible.

My husband has barely ever acknowledged me. Doesn't take me out on dates, never proposed to me (we just both deciced to get married), doesn't like when I try to have any conversation with him...about anything! I don't know anything about where finances stand with us at all...he doesn't share. Now I get that his dad was the same way, also very 'to himself', work then home then sleep..and repeat. But come on! You don't need to echo the behaviours of your parents, you don't need to cause a generational pattern!

I confront my husband all the time...asking him to talk, do stuff with me, make efforts and he says he will but still hasn't. I shouldn't have to pull teeth for some attention and acknowledgement! And still nothing changes.

I've also noticed that I am always open and warm to everyone I meet, I'll share their businesses on my social media pages, I'll help in any way I can even with people I barely know..and they are just on my pages. But when I ask anyone to help me...not a single person ever does. I was selected in a competition from a huge magazine, where people, family, friends on Facebook could vote each day for me.....and no one did. It would have been a huge opportunity to help me with my brick and mortar business I've had now for 2 years. I was crushed when I saw that no one was voting.

I run every part of my business myself, I try all different sources and ways to make extra income..by myself, and I'm losing motivation.

Even my kids... My husband never really did anything to make his mother feel special on Mothers day etc....so my kids don't either. And it's really sad! I see other Mothers/wives being treated like Queens, being made to feel and know they are special to their families, present....but not me.

Do I not deserve love?

Am I not special enough?

I think alot about the time my Mom and sister would keep doing things together and not including me. I finally got the nerve to tell my mom that they kept making me feel like shit because I wasn't invited to join in any of their adventures. You know what my mom said to me? "Don't play a victim!' So much for it being a good idea telling someone how you feel.

Now I'm sure that because of all the lonely and the lack of attention issues I have, it has made me absolutely love the attention I get from men. My husband even knows that men hit on me and message me all the time...I tell him. And still he doesn't say anything, doesn't try harder to make sure I stay...maybe because I haven't left...so he knows I'm not going anywhere. Jealousy is supposed to be a bad thing..but would it hurt to have a little jealousy and worry about other men wanting your wife? Or, maybe if it made him super proud to be with me knowing these other men couldn't have me and maybe he'd want to take me out and show me off knowing that. But no.

I feel like I'm stuck.

I feel like I'm wasting time.

I don't even have a friend to go shopping with, or do anything with. I see others with their best friends...they go out together and have fun. I wish I had this. I'm "middle-aged'...and still don't have a relationship like that.

What's wrong with me?

Can you see me?