Letter from a daughter of a daughter

Greetings, to you Mama, to my desire that this letter inspires you well, though, permitting if there will ever be a chance apart from the contrary, that this will ever even find you.

It still doesn’t feel right to have to ask this, but may I finally be completely sincere, moreover to be honestly straightforward with you mama, now and more than ever? If not, then when can I, whereas you’ll even be able to take action, even to just acknowledge my language? Should I speak so delicately; as it cannot be hidden from the fact that I want or should have to write non-ending criticizing storytimes of our whole relationship or a biography storybook about your life here? Shall we both know you wouldn’t even be able to finish it, even if I did write the book? As they say, reading the same old pages won't get you to the next chapter.

Isn't time only moving by the minute, and adding each second as we speak? What else are you waiting for other than watching the counting days pass on like the trillions of hours you spend with all the TV shows hiding? Maybe, or have more so ever thought that you lost count of that, just like the number of movies and/or memories you wasted along with that? It's unknown if you can sense the changes, even so, I strongly feel it’s essential we must recognize the lack of growth that is crying out to be forcefully seen and my urge for us to truly learn to accept one another. I must and need to admit, isn't it time for us two to consider whether we should welcome our dead ends/growth with each other?

For you to finally grow up and see things for what it is, or is it me, me, that still needs to be doing the growing up, being as I am still a child, but a child of yours? Subsequently, for 17 years, when will we actively take the time to passionately take full responsibility for our actions now, and vigorously own up to them? Are you waiting 50 more years, or when I will become 50 years old like you? Especially, you mama, yes especially, YOU.

Is it because I am getting older now or is it because you see a part of yourself in me that couldn’t be earnestly obtained before you had me or before you were older? Nevertheless, is it literally due to you denying your child's spirit is in me you never got to see, which is a part of you and your inner child screaming at me because she never got to be healed and so, you passed her down to me? Perhaps, now you can see it in full view but in a whole different life form? Since I was a child, I watched how you judged me. I wonder if you ever tried to judge yourself on why you judged me when I did those things instead, and what made me do them as a baby. Were you ever tired of me running away?

I genuinely don’t believe you truly understand how I feel because mom, for the particular reason that you never let me speak! You never took my feelings or thoughts into consideration. Did you ever feel this way with your mom too? Moms and daughters just like you and I, make mistakes which is easy to say, seeing that, how come you were always able to defend your side of your story of mistakes, but on the other hand you never gave me access to let me do the same? A child shouldn’t feel worried about walking on eggshells or wearing gloves all the time around the people that are supposed to make us safe, as notably, you're the ones who brought them into the world. This is your creation so why is it wrong, it is your art, and it is you. To be truthful here, you don’t know me, mama, because you never took the chance to. You were too worried about the wrong things and it feels like we are both strangers to one another...

Spending years growing up as a child with an unknown shadow I never really got to know with myself and you, surely, we both may identify called the unknown shadows. I want to be able to finally break the generational curse of evermore transparent love from mothers and their mothers bringing their hurt down to the next generation. The never-ending cycle of a mother and child's curse, and can start with one child and end with another child.

Look, your obligation of never getting to know the authentic me, in other words, your daughter; this bond was the biggest loss you’ve taken for granted from your life out of all the things you’ve done... You never gave me the chance to show myself as a real person in my true form as you’ve always frightened me in a place called home. How can I explain how emotionally scared someone can be of the environment without fearing-. I think you raised me in a way that you never thought you would, seeing this because the truth is… We are the opposite. “Strict parents raise sneaky kids' ' and believe it or not, I didn’t see it coming for that to hit me, but coming in from a standpoint of kids… You would never think I would’ve done the things I did, the way I did. Even specifically, knowing someone your entire life, in a small space sharing the same roof, yet as it shows, anything can remain an undercover mysterious secret even if it’s under your nose.

Wishing that you can see how the little beautiful creature you thought you once knew and brought into this life would turn out to be after the way you affected me here, certainly how now it’s gonna reflect on you.

Respectfully, please, was there a possibility you thought I was going to stay down just for you, to wait until your age to finally discover the confrontation that was necessary to see the problems blocking the real true love and connection we should've had?

Staying silent for me or you, how would that help? Hopefully, when you comprehend what happened all these years, if you could even remember, you didn’t even know mommy, or do you not remember the era when I did call you that? Am I still your child or a child now who’s not even your child anymore... Anticipating this doesn’t haunt you the way you haunted me, but here we go again. “Bienally, just go to school and study, you're still immature for that. You don’t know you’re only in high school and haven’t finished college yet, you don’t tell me what to do, you’re still a kid.” But, you expect me to pick myself up at a talent show because you’re too lazy? Then, expecting me to try and fill out my school and doctor papers because I’m smart enough? Hold me responsible for picking up your youngest daughter from school because you’re too busy having sex? “I hate your father, you’re just like your dad” but continue to still entertain something for the pleasure of it without seeing the major red flags sticking out of a situation. Doing things so proudly, with no thought of the outcome, but how does this make sense?

Undoubtedly, you knew, I’ve always wanted to do things other teenagers were doing but you always said I was “too young”. In actuality, I now knew what you meant but when curiosity took the best of me… I surprisingly tried it for myself to drink, get high, or have sex with some man. I always wanted to throw it back in your face to show you I could do all those things and still be responsible in a way to prove you wrong. Instead of teaching me the considerate way, you never at least took the time to explain.

In middle school, I was influenced by a friend to try something. Something I, not in any way knew about because I never learned or was influenced by it. Yes, mother, I smoked weed with that friend who you thought you knew too. If you were to see me do anything wrong or just you didn’t like it, you would be so quick to react by blaming me for my actions and everything I did instead of asking why or trying to envision understanding why I did it. “Why did Bienally run away, why did Bienally sneak out, or why is she hurting herself?” ever cross your mind? What was so hard to teach me the appropriate ways and to tell me why I couldn’t do this or how these things could affect me? The things you wish you could’ve learned or known about at your age, you never shared with me.

Instead, you would just shut me off like you always do, even if I did bother to ask. As a mother, we should’ve built a strong foundation stronger than a friendship for me to truly know what a real friendship was like, but how were you so quick to judge a friend of mine you barely knew from a mile away, but you couldn’t distinguish my fake emotions? For this reason, now, I know how to fake my emotions around anybody, even if that meant I had to mock the way I felt about someone. Why did I feel the need to fit into a crowd of people at school who truly didn’t even know me or even want to know me, just to look cool or for attention? As it revealed how I even took it as far as to spuriously taking the advantage of myself to fake my intimacy spasm while having sex with my ex-girlfriend in my room when you were gone. Why do you feel the need to lie to me if friends aren't supposed to lie to each other, but from a mom, or at least can friends listen to each other? Besides, my mom was supposed to be my first friend, and I never successfully was able to make my mom my friend first.

To be honest, I’ve lied to you a lot, which hurts to say, but you did hurt me in ways I had to learn how to lie about the things you weren’t ready to hear for our protection. You created a rebellious hurt liar, but I’ve had to learn on my own how that would affect me. In view of the fact that I know your state of shock can be hard but I have so much more to uncover.

I also discovered that drinking is a weird experience seeing how it can change you. I think I felt how it was to become a different person, a monster, or see a different view in my own life for the good or bad, and it wasn’t for me. Considering that, alcohol was your favorite drink. You loved it and I hate it, it’s weird how something can impact us in a way for different people in such ways. The way you thought of me, was it because you didn’t care, or were you running away from the truth? I’ve observed you my whole life, and now I see how you never were able to stick up for yourself. Yes, you taught me how to not mind certain things to protect yourself, but it seems as if you did it too much for the wrong things. Mama, did you never care enough to see what was important enough for yourself was not just only for you but your kids? You doubted my dreams, and that is what hit me most now that that should be at the #1 of a list on how to make your child hate you.

In addition, due to the overtaking control mothers can have of the wrong things, failing to realize we are human beings. Are you telling me what’s really best for me or what’s best for you? After all the years, daddy put his hands on us, gambled all of your money away, and became a drug addict using you. Not only was I watching all of this abuse physically happening to us, but Sam, your other 11-year-old “baby girl” witnessed this too. You didn’t give a care in the world for our feelings to see how much it hurt us seeing our mom being treated in this way? Or now seeing how much you see how less-valued by a man you once loved but so wrongly done. The way you treated me, was because you never knew how it felt like to be treated correctly, mama. If you knew how it was to find true love and happiness within yourself first, then that's when you should’ve had kids. When will you open your doors and eyes to the understanding that you must see now that I am growing up, but what about another you watching you, another mini you. Would you want me to be like you, how would you feel if you saw me become just like you, your mirror? How about all the abusive days, threats, actions, DHS cases, police reports, medical help asylums, and trials- why and how could you still stay, you stayed in this toxic cycle or a relationship?

Despite all of this, if I were you and saw how someone could lock my child in a cage, or closet, and beat her up until she struggled to breathe… I could never let anyone touch my child, no matter if it was her father. A true father who truly loves their child wouldn’t put a child in a position to risk losing them. Mama, as a young, smart, woman, you should’ve known the certain things you experienced were not right, and you know of it. Evidently, you still stayed, you still stuck with it, and you dealt with that, over and over again. Not only, are you letting it keep happening, but you never knew when enough was enough? Mama did you remember when daddy told you “I'm gonna kill you.” But also, do you remember when held me at gunpoint and said the same thing to me? Another version of you, really huh? Of course, that wasn’t enough, after all the cage, closet and purposeful car incidents weren’t quite the deal either... Could you not see that your kids were there watching everything? One thing you were good at though, was keeping your secret loud, and clear. Yes, mama, we saw how many times you got hurt and continued to stay in this continuous loop of abuse, as your emotions affected your actions and your actions toward us, now reflecting us into the women that you raised us to become but really, we’ve been raising ourselves even with you there with us. Giving back to you, I don’t want my secret to being as loud and clear as yours. Certainly, not making it so loud as it affects others in painful silence, but to make this an impactful learning lesson that today's society needs. I want to make this experience into something beautiful, to help and make others who can relate or to just not feel alone when times are rough. I’ve learned how wonderful it feels to give now, to give people kindness and love. As a matter of a fact, I think I have been giving too much out of my life, but I know that I was meant to be here on Earth to give as much as I can even if I am still left with nothing. Whether it comes to making someone laugh, sharing, or even helping the poor and lonely. I just want to give and give, until my heart can’t anymore, but I know that time will never come until the day I die.

When I was younger, the way I saw you and daddy “make love” would make me so angry. Witnessing all the mess and acts that I would observe in the house, was so uncomfortable. As I would sit and cry through the kicks and screams. I would jump to the relief in my sleep. It contributes to the movie-like scenes I’ve watched coming to me in real life, to the recklessness of outbursts leading to the physical action that would take place. Then, what sounds I would hear that I couldn’t make out if they were screams or love or hate. I have seen you and dad fight so many times, and it made me sad. Again, seeing the two of you do the opposite to which was having sex, made me feel as if the whole world was betraying me in some way. I don’t know if it was because I hated and loved you both or how it was disgusting to watch. Hence, never did I think I would be standing in the same room as you- and- if you make more love to my best friend's father who I call uncle. Who was Tita’s boyfriend at the time, your best friend, a kind innocent woman who she trusted around her family to whom she thought you were a good friend?

In addition, to which she fed me and bathed me in a way that felt so different? As it was revealed because she was also Sam and I’s Godmother. Evidently, It felt too weird, but looking back I know why as I never experienced a loving mom who had the normal ability to care and nurture like other moms.

Additionally, it made many and anything that happened in my life so far, so confusing for me. Perceiving your actions made me so mad at the world, that I want to become the opposite of you. I wonder why I still don’t know how to have my own life relationships/sex life without feeling uncomfortable in the presence of someone who has a genuine love for me. For this reason, I can only have the feeling of being comfortable to love in the presence of someone who only shows an incomplete deficient amount of attention to me. As a consequence for myself, I tried it with a boy at the age of 14. He was older and much much older. I hated it, it felt disgusting and weird. I am still confused about what it is, of the things that I need in my life. . Have you ever thought about how your decisions would affect me and Sam? For me being the oldest, I’ve always felt like the power was on me to fix this or to do this a certain way so Sam could see everything is gonna be alright. Isn’t that what a role model should do right or a mom? Wait, am I your daughter, mother, or sister, or am I just another person? It gets weird when you think of me as any other actual person now. I am a person, a human just like you, with thoughts and feelings. Before you brought me into this world, were you aware that there are chances of how you’d be raising another you or a stranger of you? I shaved my head a few weeks ago when you begged me not to. As long as I am breathing, I need to remember that living for others now is the quickest way to self-harm, just like how you are living to please men instead of your creations. I did this for myself, not you, and I am still learning to be myself without fearing something that is not there because it never has been there for me, it was only me...

I was bullied throughout elementary and middle school because you never showed me how to stand up for myself when things were wrong, just like how you’re still with daddy. You say I’m like my father, but you have sex with him. I’m tired of accepting things when I know it’s not right for me, but also for the people around me like my sister Sam who I know is learning this too. I have tattoos on my body now, I identify as a pansexual nonbinary asexual too because I learned it's okay to still not know to figure things out still but to keep on going and find to cope. I also am choosing to not have kids now and never, because I am still trying to take care of myself first and learn how to respect not just myself but others. I simply cannot live for the fact I don’t want to be the reason why my child cannot speak up for herself or others around her, to be in a stable relationship without being uncomfortable and confused I don't allow. NO child should experience another version of the level of hurt a parent’s child experiences to pass down from their traumas unhealed/heard unprepared child parents. As a result, of seeking validation from others to feel good because the parents weren’t emotionally ready or available to provide that? I DON'T WANNA BE THE REASON WHY MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ACT BECAUSE THE FOLKS WHO HAD HER LIFE'S ACTIONS NEVER SHOWED UP FOR HER TO BE A TRUE LOVING WOMAN TO AND FOR HERSELF. I surely, and definitely, will and cannot accept my child to become a person with emotionally scared parents with mommy and daddy issues, carrying it on for generations.

As I am still embracing and accepting that you are a part of me and I am a part of you. I do not want my mother's mistakes to define her or me, nor should anyone else's. Things are too temporary and how life can be wasted in a blink of an eye, to not stay present with gratitude.

It may be that you were once a child like me but in a blink of an eye you are as old as your mom, or grandma, or your mom's grandma... I am learning to accept your mistakes being a prime help in my life to realizing how strong you have made me mama. Still considering if true love is really out there, and as you and daddy and you are only drawn to each other because you share the same level of pain and hurt together. In hopes, mama you are in another reality where you have finally found love and felt how it feels to be in a healthy environment to live for yourself and not others.

I am still grateful and will always choose to be, for what I have lived through and what I’ve learned to appreciate, discover, and see the light that not many can experience. We all as human beings have the power to come from any situation no matter how bad it is, but it takes a truly brave soldier to realize that everything is here to learn and serve a purpose. Although it’s easy to let your guard down for what you've been through, you have the choice to let your experiences define, shape, or mold you for the better, or play victim forever and stay defeated. Or undefeated. At the end of the day, choose kindness, not niceness for your ego. You never know what a person is going through in their life, and it doesn’t pay to hate, nor does it help. Now I am turning 18 soon, living with my grandma, and still trying to make it far in life. Despite my past and obstacles, which yes, made me into who I am today, I do not allow them to define me in any way.

Finally, I came to a realization when I noticed there was a past version of me I was so proud of how far I came from. I now believe it is truly a gift, everything I’ve seen with my own eyes and felt throughout my years with you. However, mom, I can say I am still a proud daughter, even so, I think you are so strong for being able to stay in a place of hurt and betrayal over and over again without any precaution for yourself or others. Which was your decision, along the lines of me finally finding the courage to break that pattern for myself, and I hope for you as well.

Although I cannot respect your decisions, I can stay respectful towards what you’ve done for me; for this reason, to show me how to be independent within myself, and pick my big girl pants up with a different kind of help from you. Learning that kind of help showed the purpose that I had to learn for me trying to help the ones who didn’t want to be helped, and I sadly couldn't help/save everybody no matter how hard I tried.

Leading now, to the fact that the best thing to do instead of trying to change others, is to change yourself and for the sake of others who couldn’t show themselves. When you were trying to change me into something I was not, but what you wanted me to become was you trying to become you. Telling me to do this and become that but you haven't even tried to become for yourself. It’s hard to see what you wanted from me when you couldn't even show up for yourself first to make the role model move for your daughter. You still haven't achieved anything but expected me to achieve everything, which was your own life that you never experienced to live for yourself.

I am proud to say that I am still grateful for my mother, as though my childhood was me holding my breath underwater for so long. I survived the darkest waters with you and now I can survive my lightest breaths without you. I am so thankful, so much so that I was able to realize your truth and trauma at this age and not wait until my death bed to let go of what needed to be. Let me ask you, is this your story or my story, and are you able to let me live my life for myself instead, and see that there's still a chance I can live for both of us to make you proud still at the end of the day?

Who knows, maybe one day when I am ready to open up the new door of a possibility of raising my own, in celebration of closing the last door and overcoming the fear of generational trauma. Despite our past and relations, I couldn’t bear to try and repeat the loop, instead, I’d be ready to odder my real love and embrace what is to be instead of becoming another like my mother. I'll make sure to set the best example to show how she's watching me like you are watching your movies trying to be the best mom, best daughter, and the best sister I wish I could’ve seen when I was brought here.

Coming from emotional or physical neglect, abusive households, traumatic experiences, etc it's never easy to see that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. Also, please, remember the impossible is possible. To sum up, everything that has been stated so far, we are still part of one another, seeing myself in you, and you finally see yourself in me. I choose not to blame anything other than myself for what I’ll be doing now because I am me and only in control of myself, I couldn’t let my child or any child see how something they never knew of could be all their fault.

Don’t be the reason why your daughter fears to become her truest self in the highest form and best possible version of herself because of you. Certainly, I am still proud of the things I’ve learned, and still learning to grow to become with. Even when I am still craving physical attention but still not knowing how to accept it when it’s given to me. Further into learning that I have to know when to stop, either to stop giving so much of my time and things or even to stop feeding into my addictions like food or a drug, like my marijuana addiction or me being overweight. Did you know mama I have been smoking since the age of 13, and I'm still recovering from my addiction years later? Again, we need to know when it’s time to ask for help, as a result of fearing rejection and abandonment which in turn can lead to toxic independence to anything; ending up to loneliness forever as quick as the loss of reenactment.

Furthermore, for myself to stop being so scared, like my mother, to see real power, real power she could’ve helped but had this whole time; what she could do with that, and what we as women have had for the longest. To know that it’s okay to leave when something is no longer serving our purpose or not seeing our growth in the way we should. In this case, a part of me is still wishing you handled the situations you did differently, but now accepting to realizing as I get older that if you didn’t do the things you did, even when they weren’t what it seemed to be good at the moment; then I wouldn’t be where I am at today. My name is Bienally and I am still learning how to balance the femininity and masculinity that my parents taught me.

Bienally, the name you gave to me when you gave birth to me with the greek word BI meaning two. Now I am understanding that there are two sides too, and two things could cancel each other out or help each other to create one. That fact I cannot gain control over the things that are not in my control, especially when I cannot force it no matter how much for the good it is for. Detaching, from the attachment I have from you, that I am still learning too.

Overall, the worst thing about healing from trauma; is that most of the people that caused it towards you, may not realize how much damage they’ve done. Since these individuals can be so toxic, even if you were to tell them how much they broke you… They will always find a way to guilt-trip you because they still haven't learned for themselves. Their emotions reflect on you, and even try to make you believe you’re “too sensitive”. From the bottom of our hearts, I pray and hope you heal from things no one ever accepted and apologized for. Even if those beings were your parents. - a combination of @T..SKULL on Tiktok, and my words together. It is best to realize how your parents play a role in your life, to protect us from the pain of your past. To overcome and embrace what emotions were experienced as children, and still accept we are still finding our identity. Remember as long as you’re breathing it’s not too late to start a new beginning, additionally having a breakthrough from all forms of past events that affected you to become the most valuable moral assets for your own life. Ask yourself, do you want to stay in this loop or generational trauma or will you live up to the forpost that you can change everything you perceive for this particular reason? The most important thing you have is free will. The love of a relationship with a mother is not just one person but a way of living life with the love of being/s. Stop doubting, when you’ve got something they don't, just seeing the pattern already makes you break the generational trauma. You see something your parents couldn't, but did you know your power, your gift? Knowing that you’ve already done all you need to do to heal, despite not necessarily healing others, but to heal yourself, and inspire others to do the same.

Make your peace with your past, so you won’t be the reason why you’re not going after all that you want. Choosing to love yourself first for the sake of others as well, is the best love for all.

Trying to remember to stay forgiving not only for you but for yourself. Seeing, you will outgrow things and people, your life will be the biggest test, and the pattern will repeat until the lesson is learned. Still, accept that I was your personalized book for so long, but you just never took the care in the world to read me. When I had all the answers you needed, but maybe you knew it was better to not know, and not know everything even if that was your daughter. We are all the moms of our books, and we must learn to let go of what pages were unwritten by the previous book owner. Mom, I think it’s time to close this last chapter and make my own book for a new beginning.

In your book, will you keep choosing your old pages to read, or do you want to write that chapter to open a new and better book? Once again, I am still embracing and accepting that you are a part of me and I am a part of you. But, becoming the better version of you and a better book that was once yours.

Please, moms, listen to your child speak, just as much as we watch/hear you speak. We want you to be happy for us as we want the same happiness for you. As you were once us, and now you must watch us become you. Another version of you, better or worse. The smallest moments matter, we remember.

Respectfully yours,

a daughter of a daughter, Bienally