Learning From Enemies

Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to be a loner, you feel safe, you find inner peace, learn to love yourself a lot more without being too selfish and that others can’t hurt or judge you. You can trust others like family and close friends who understand in most ways, and out of all of that you feel secure of yourself.

By being alone and not having loads of friends, it feels as though it’s stress free, drama free and without causing to make friends that may eventually turn to enemies possibly, it makes life rather easier in a way. For sure it can sound lonely and miserable, but one in four people are not entirely made to be really sociable or keep up a conversation for a long while, but they can always still talk when they want to or even have to and to be there for those who care and love them dearly. Perhaps they have mental or disability reasons that affects their own abilities to interact, engage in activities with others or work together with groups which is fairly understandable, even though people that are judgmental and opinionated may care less so.

Many are not like those who are really sociable in the likes of having social media or texting friends almost every minute of every hour a day or arranging to go places for leisure. Some people actually like their own space, they like their privacy and they are almost used to being alone as well. Although some people have reasons and some people just see it as it is, but others speak from the experiences and challenges they faced from life along with the stress of realities for a good reason to be alone and with good reason for what toll it takes on them and how it still affects their social issues to this day, like my own experiences.

I've faced many experiences of life of never feeling like I fitted in almost anywhere where I did try to blend in but only to learn that it eventually leads and ends to nothing. Probably due to low self-esteem, lack of confidence, self-doubts, being shy and not being as sociable like everyone else, but most of all dealing and battling with autism. This was all due to when I was at school where my depression started, after being bullied and being treated almost like a dog that almost drove me to suicide and even feel suicidal to this day whenever I try to avoid thinking about all the trauma's I faced at that place. But that I prefer not to talk about as it is too much of a painful memory and an extremely long story to dwell on.

When I left school to start college (which was a specialist college) I felt as though my life could really begin and to try and start new friends. When I started in my first year there, the students and even some teachers seemed rather friendly, encouraging and exalted around me. I felt as though I have found my true friends now that I have started a new chapter in my life and some confidence was gained upon myself. Even in the common rooms at breaks and lunch times we could engage with each other and interact in certain weekly activities. I recall how the mixtures with students involved equality and diversities along with hearing and deaf students. There was a fair share of group levels people would be part of to engage and socialise of and when I mean "Levels", it's of mainly to do with personalities and socialism. There would be one group in a common room where if you feel like you communicate with them to chat about things that relate to your ideal choice of friends to hang about with and I just went along with it.

One group of common room called "Common Room A" would be the one's that are the most out spoken but also the most opinionated as well to chat about drama, gossip and mostly to do with things that most people understand about with good responses but even rather cheeky with each other from jokes and banter, along with people who are really chatty, well out spoken, not quite exactly good but pleasant looking for a lot of students but expressed real connections to communicate with one another thoroughly and just talk about our days, current events, news etc. I didn't feel as though I could relate to that at first but felt as though if I could try without being myself too much and eventually they would understand me more, I could be part of that particular groups of friends even to engage to outside of college and try to socialise alot more with. Another common that I never really bothered as much "Common Room C" would be where students who have the most severe disabilities and in need of great care, as the common room seemed quite cramped as well so I chose not to be there as much room but respected it either way. And the other room, "Common Room B" would be the most interactive and sometimes most disruptive at times but learned to behave thoroughly by the teachers, but it was also the most humble of the students as they talked about their own personal interests that I could strongly relate to in the like of fandoms, T.V. Shows, films, books, rarely sports and along with our days and lives included, they also had disabilities mentally but mostly to do with learning and some social issues. As timed past by, I met two friends there Alex and Nathan who I am still friends with and talk to from this day on.

But before that all of that, I blended to "Common Room A" and for quite some time, I felt like I adapted rather quickly and fitted in quite well, but I had to pardon the jokes and banter at times which weren't at all that bad, along with retarded questions at times regarding sex, political reviews (which I'm not political) and some gossip of the news of pop culture and entertainment. I felt as though after time passes by I could understand to those and feel as though I can come up with comebacks or put downs jokingly to them with excellent responses. But due to my lack of knowledge of life and social issues at times to interact with the groups at most times became difficult at one point, I even had to escape of elsewhere just to find my own space and collect myself somewhere quiet and to brood alone, but I would still engage and interact with them.

Unfortunately, that's when the downward spiral began just after my first year leading up to my second. That was when I learned how some of those in that group became more two-faced, deceiving, crafty and even sh@t-stirring they were. When the jokes and banter became rather more annoying and personal, they eventually didn't get my humors, reviews or opinions, they would even take the mick out of looks, decisions, interactions and even regarding sports along with personal opinions negatively which I relate to. So eventually I would feel pushed away from the group, feeling degraded, unwanted, worthless and almost as though I didn't exist to them anymore. Especially due to one person who became rather more cocky, naïve, overly confident and almost thinks as though he is god's gift to women, someone named Brad. He even joked and bantered about me being a stalker into thinking that I had admitted to the fact that I rarely had a girlfriend and thinking like I was desperate to be in a relationship with someone, when really I wasn't, I wasn't even thinking about any of that at the time. It even had to do with a girl who I used to be friends with, had rather strong and positive feelings for, and felt as though she was different compared to other girls, a girl named Caitlin.

For a season me and her became good friends and chatted a lot, when even exchanged numbers and texted each other. She seemed at first humble, polite, pleasant looking yet charming but was definitely my type, we even did word searches and engaged in sign language activities along with catering lessons. As time passed by, my feelings for her were hidden and became more stronger for her to be caring, but I didn't want to be over the top with her by being around her a lot, taking short breaks when we did see each other on one day at week at college and had to be mindful she had a boyfriend who I respected and rather friendly with. When she broke up with her boyfriend leading up to the end of the first year, all the other boys seemed to try and take their shot with her as she was probably the most good looking girl in the college. Although I was also interested as well, I didn't want to make the move at the wrong time into thinking she would be snappy or emotional but I was still exalted round her at the time. Until one day from one of her other friends named Jade at the time, asked if I wanted to go out with her. At first, I thought it was a joke and so I questioned her about it if she was for real and Caitlin subsequently the relationship went ahead and when I saw her again after college at the end of the day, we kissed at a bus stop and seemed like the relationship would be great as she even claimed so through text.

Sadly that was not to last as she had texted me saying that she no longer wanted to go ahead with the relationship anymore after only one day, without even an explanation or further detail why. From what I had heard from others, she still had feelings for an ex and didn't know what she wanted at the time which just baffled me entirely, as I felt as though she had moved on from that and felt as though there was a real connection with such good chemistry between us, only to realise it would all come crashing down and things became awkward between us since then.

The worst part was yet to come, after mentioning that the people who I thought I was friends with and got along well with became two-faced and seemed to take a disliking towards me out of opinions and jokes. I began to face the reality of how people changed in the likes of Brad and Caitlin when they became naiver and more deceitful, and almost acting like stuck up winey little brats. Even when a newcomer named Warren, who Caitlin started a relationship with became involved and although we never actually became enemies at the time, I learned and read from my mind of his attitude, his character and personality and he was just like them along with others who I wasn't enemies or besties with but respected each other in ways. But I realised of what Brad, Caitlin and Warren were really like, the kind of people not to be friends or hang around with anymore and because of the attitude changes, along with her style and looks of change from her, I felt like an outcast from Common Room A, I felt alienated and became estranged from them, and it was so awkward just to walk past them down corridors into thinking drama would be involved which there weren't but I knew things would be said behind backs slating, sh@t stirring, trash talking and rude gesturing. I realised that she was and still is hanging around with the wrong people and she became just like those who act so stuck up, cheeky, almost posh and act as though they know better. But I had hoped she would know better by not hanging around with the wrong people who act like d@%k heads rather than all the nicer and kind people, I felt as though the equalities and diversities if the college was failing and just didn't take place to work out and so to this day I gave up on hanging around with those who are more good looking, so posh, gossip and chat about subjects I don't understand thoroughly in the likes of social media subjects. It's just a shame people who you cared about, felt as though you could trust and thought were different would become just like those who are bad influences and change the way we don't want them to. It even lead me to feel depressed and thinking I was worthless in the society of socialism, I felt that all the time we spent together with our conversations were for nothing and I never felt to be made so small in such along time, but I suppose that's life as it teaches us some extremely harsh lessons about people. After that I moved else where at the same college and after being alone for sometime, after some confidence was regained and some trust was put together those of the common room I chose and moved to blend in more.

I felt like my confidence had been knocked back and did not feel wanted to be around with anymore, if I even came crawling into the Common Room, the atmospheres would be cut like a knife and dirty looks would be exchanged. But I don't like the drama or go starting for trouble and so I avoided it. But eventually I began hanging around in Common Room B and made friends that were more understandable, likeable and respectful. People that weren't stuck up, not overly sociable on social media and drama free. I finally felt belonged here and after time had passed by along with awkward glares and stares from former colleagues and ex-friends, I became exalted with a particular "Losers Club" as would be preferred to as freaks, nobody’s, ugly ones and outcasts that weren't meant to be friends with the higher level of people.

But so what if that's the case of what others think, we are different in ways are we are judged and looked upon like geeks, but that's just the way we are and what we feel comfortable as. I would rather hang out with people who I feel comfortable with than with those I have to impress. I would rather hang around with people who don't judge, start drama, banter around or gossip spread, it is far better to learn from your enemies rather than become them like her who I don't see or speak to anymore even though there are very rarely awkward pass by's outside of college as much as in it, even when we left and started new chapters of our lives.

As for Caitlin, I haven’t seen or spoken to her since, besides from the awkward gazes and pass by’s either when she left to visit others whilst I stayed at college a while longer, and even out in public on few occasions. Besides from that there has been no sight of her round the area I live in, she may have moved away else where and do you know what, I couldn’t care less of her at least not anymore

After all, we should all keep the friends most rare to us and learn from our enemies to never become bad influences like them.

Take this as a lesson of life, don't bother trying to blend in if you are made to stand out, because that's what I still feel to this day and keeping a good balance with your friends most dear and rare in our own ways just like us, along with doing and interacting with things you love to do the most will lead to a more better lifestyle and leaves you with a healthier mind with confidence and socialising.