Instablility, ADHD, and the Guilt of Being a Father From Afar

Ever since I moved out from the shared room I haven't written much. It's like my body collapsed into this void for a few days, I couldn’t even get myself out of bed the first night because everything felt so heavy.

But now I have a single room, a bit outside the center, it's still close to where I used to live. I visit those guys like almost everyday for a chat or a quick coffee. But having my own person space was necessary. When I was living in the shared room I felt like I was part of this 5 men outcast crew, who were all just trying to figure it out in life; we’re all sort of struggling in one way or another.

Aqil works as a taxi driver through most of his day, he has some friends he sees, and a girlfriend that I never met, but he’s a workaholic. His friend Mo is a tech guy, he studied here in Krakow and use to work as a food delivery guy. He told me he will work again, because he is running low on money. And the third is Abdul, he arrived from Morocco not too long ago, was hired through an agency to work as a “chef”, but I think he has it the worse as he only gets paid about 5 euros an hour because of agency fees, and without the agency he wouldn’t be able to live or work here. And of course there is the forth Asif, he is more of a Nomad, this guy is on his phone most day making phone calls, setting up events in Azerbaijan - but he is not really part of the crew because no one likes him; he is dirty, loud and has to be told to take a shower. I'm number 5, also a lost soul trying to figure out my life. I have no solid work, I just do a bit of food delivery from time to time, and have some savings which are running out.

This four men crew give eachother comfort in some way, they give each other a place in the world, when we come back home we’re excited to share the events of the day, or how much we’ve made today. Alone we would not exist, we would just hover like ghosts, unoticed by the world.

My work situation is unreliable, one day I can make 40 zł per hour, another 15 zł because Bolt doesn't give me any orders. And I know I could work for two or three different courier apps simultaneously, but this is not a longterm solution to earn a sustainable income. I've also tried selling Polaroids for two days now, and constantly approaching people just to hear them say no - is mentally exhausing. I've gotten sales here and there, but to actually earn a living I would need to be more stratigic with how and I sell, when and where. But selling Polaroid is also not a longterm solution, it’s a fun activity to do on the weekends, but it won’t sustain me longterm. So I come back to design, because with this I can earn at least 15-20 dollars per hour of work - but it takes effort to start, find clients, and build a good reputation. But right now that's my only choice at a sustainable income. And so I will begin again, like I have done dozens of times before. And now I hope you can see how my brain works, it tends to overfocus on too many things and then nothing gets done…

I have no doubt that I have a form of ADHD. Recently I listened to a podcast of this guy called Dr. Daniel Amen - he is a psychiatrist who has used brain imaging techniques to help cure people's ADHD. He spoke about there being different types of ADHD. I'm type 3, which is overfocused, having difficulty shifting attention. What I learned is that ADHD is genetic - and that would mean that I mostly got it from my mother, as she is hyperactive, inattentive, and at times overfocused. Plus I grew up with an alcoholic father, in chaotic household. Plus our diet wasn’t the healtiest either because we couldn’t affort "healthy food". So I have no doubt my ADHD is real. And I see how difficult it is for me to focus, shift attention, make decisions, it's like I’m running on first gear all the time. Another thing is I have a baby, she's over in Germany with my partner - and our relationship is not so good. We recently moved away from Spain, and it was my impulsive decision that we did. My girlfriend loves Spain and she wanted to live there, so it’s like I killed that reality for her in one decision. I try not to blame “myself” for it, because it was more of what my brain wanted, it wanted to go back to Poland, it wanted to feel stable, secure, and safe. But now the guilt I feel is immense, and and this guilt is like a bag of stones I carry with me everywhere I go, every decision I make.

I don’t need any symphaty, or “ohh poor guy”, my brain is just fucked, and I know I have some type of ADHD which makes me sort of handicapped in some way. And I need to find a way to cure myself. I’ll leave it at that.