Inside My Head

Most people are born with a voice inside of their heads that tells them between right and wrong. Some people end up with multiple, and an even smaller amount ends up with whole personalities. I’m one of those people. I have an entire system of others working inside my head. Some to protect, others to make life more exciting. One thing though, I have no control. It’s very hard to keep a grasp on being in the front seat, as I like to put it. Especially when I’m about to get thrown through a whirlwind of emotions.

My birth name is Aurora Keller, I am 20 years old and my brain is slowly splitting apart and creating new personalities. That's the way I like to put it anyway, but some people would just call me crazy. Which I am, but not the kind of crazy you're thinking of. Ever since I broke off a 2-year engagement (which the whole thing was a mistake from the beginning but that's not relevant) I have been losing moments in my days forgetting what I do, forgetting where I go, forgetting simple tasks that shouldn't have been forgotten. All because I have others that take over. By this I mean they swap me out, they make decisions, and leave me to hang out in the back corner of my mind. Mostly I watch everything happen, but sometimes I get pushed so far down that everything just goes dark. Mostly that only happens when the others think I'm going to be emotionally or physically in danger. Otherwise, they still let me have some say, although it really does feel like making a suggestion to someone who you know isn't listening. You can suggest all you want but that doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Anyways, back on track. I want to tell you about the day that this started happening, and my theory as to why. You might ask why I want to talk about something so personal and well my answer to that is, I have nothing to hide from the world anymore. I am taking steps to be 100% me and if that means showing my "crazy" as some would so lovingly put it, then may as well be crazy. I'd rather be that than normal honestly. So let's begin shall we?

It was like any other day really, except when the sun had started to rise I had already been up. I couldn’t sleep that night, I stayed up waiting and planning. Trying to come up with how to get my ex out of my apartment as fast as possible. My head was spinning out of control. I was trying to piece everything together. Because somehow everything made sense, yet nothing did at the exact same time. At some point I felt like I was arguing with myself, which I was. Little did I know that those tiny arguments inside of my own head was leading to the sprouting of Anastasia. The first of my other personalities to arise. She wasn't named yet and I didn't even know she was going to grow at that point. “Too loud”, I kept thinking to myself. But every time my head would just grow louder.

I closed my eyes. One, in particular, stood out from the rest. She was stronger, bolder, and way more cunning than the rest. She didn’t have a name at the time but she’s now come to be known as Anastasia. She clawed her way up from the depths of the others and found her way to the front seat. Pushing me to the background I could only watch from this point on. “Don’t worry yourself, I’ll handle this”, she said so confidently, I never thought I could exude this much confidence ever in my life. Even though it wasn’t really me. Anastasia kept us together during this time. Making sure that I and the others were good. I was relieved when my control was taken away, I didn’t think I was going to actually be able to do what needed to be done. However, we still needed to wait a little longer. Wait for my roommates to get up. Wait for the others to get up. Wait to do it. Finally after what seemed like forever the waiting was over and one of my roommates and I left to go get coffee. When we got to the car, we both froze. Everything fell into place right at that moment. We got the evidence we needed and stormed back up the stairs to the apartment. I was in the background but Anastasia was boiling with rage. She wanted to do unspeakable things to the people sitting in our living room. I almost let her. But I was able to reign her in just a little. We got back to the apartment and my roommate started first.

“Get out, both of you are done. You will no longer be living here. I don’t care where you go but you can’t stay here.” The rage in his voice as he continued about how we knew they were cheating on us was crystal clear. I stayed behind a corner, for all I knew if I saw my supposed fiance I was going to do something I’d regret. My roommate finished and he came over to me with big sad eyes expecting me to just forgive him. I wasn’t stupid, and surely, Anastasia wasn’t either. She kept the coldest stare plastered on her face. Not giving anything away.

“We are done, that is for sure, I don’t care what exactly happened or didn’t happen, but this has been needing to be done for a while.” I was astounded by the way she composed herself, I could never. My now ex-fiance just stood there staring at me in awe. His expression was even more dumbfounded than usual. Anastasia wanted to laugh, she wanted to destroy the person that was standing in front of her. I never thought we could be capable of feeling such anger and hatred. “He pushed us to this point, that’s not our fault”, Anastasia chiming in, and she was right. After all, I tried everything I could to make our relationship work. Only thing I got was a broken heart and even more personalities swimming around in my head like sharks in water. Waiting to strike at any moment they can. Anastasia heald our ground while I disappeared from the show for a bit. By the time I resurfaced he was gone and so was the little chick he was hanging all over. I felt like I, no we all could breathe for once. For once in over 2 years I felt like I was my own person again, even with the others living in my head. They made me feel more me than he ever did. I didn’t have to watch his every move anymore to make sure he didn’t fuck up. I didn’t have to constantly fight him over the stupidest shit anymore. I was free.