If My Exes Read My Novels

I started writing novels before I had a single boyfriend. It was smart of me to get started before I met any of them. They all knew I was a writer, yet I doubt that any of them thought that I might become a writer who published internationally, that I might use them as character models, or what I might say about them in retrospect. I have to admit a level of curiosity. What would they think of my writing? Let's play a game. I had eight boyfriends before I got married. What would they think?

Ex-boyfriend #1

This is going to sound crazy, but I think he told my mother-in-law a bit more about my writing than she knew. She was talking to me on the phone one night, and she said something about how she didn't realize I had published so many books. The only thing prefacing it was that she had been talking to her son (Ex-boyfriend #1). Yes, that means that I married one of my ex-boyfriend's brothers. It also means that he had been following my writing career. I was shocked.

I was deeply shocked.

I didn't think he gave a rip what I was doing. I mentioned this to my husband, who thought it was incredibly normal for him to notice my writing career. But absolutely nothing shocks or startles my husband. He's a rock embedded in concrete wedged into bedrock.

But then I started to wonder if Ex-boyfriend #1 had actually read one of my books, and I started to hyperventilate. I needed a bag. The idea horrified me. Yet... that dude was capable of reading. I knew he read for pleasure sometimes. If he was going to read something I wrote... What would appeal to him? If he read anything of mine, I hope he read His 16th Face. Here's the synopsis:

Beth Coldwell has three days to live. If her guardian, Christian Henderson, can grant her any wish, then she wants him to kiss her. If he kisses her and saves her life, he has to disappear, but that's the last thing Beth wants.

I have a hundred reasons why I would want him to choose this book. The first reason is that it is somewhat contemporary. I write science fiction a lot, but I'd be more comfortable with Ex-boyfriend #1 reading something somewhat grounded in reality instead of something wholeheartedly fantastic. The second reason is that this is a book that my husband helped me write. He usually helps a little, but he helped a lot with this book. When I was stuck, he explained to me how it should continue over and over. With that in mind, I feel like I could put a little of the responsibility onto my husband, and that would make me feel more comfortable. Reason three: the book showcases a love that is wildly desperate without being even a little bit smutty. It's a side of myself I'm less nervous to show.

He's probably seen that side of me already.

Ex-boyfriend #2

This was a soccer player, and I don't think he ever read for pleasure. That was one of the things that was difficult between us when we were together, so I have no fear. If he was going to read something I wrote, I'd want it to be Heart's Key. Here's the synopsis:

Leander, a knight of the realm, has been sent to a castle on the edge of everything. The ruler of the castle, a red puff of smoke, has invited him to kidnap their most prized possession - the Maiden in the red dress.

This novelette is mostly an action/adventure. It's also short. I think he'd enjoy it as much as he could enjoy anything.

Ex-boyfriend #3

This guy knows how to read. He also undoubtedly knows that I am a novelist (for reasons that I'd rather not state in public). But, I don't think he would willingly read anything I wrote. I think you could hand him one of my glossy paperbacks and it would stay on the coffee table without being read until someone spilled something on it and he decided to throw it in the garbage.

With that thought in mind, I'd recommend my short story, Dream of the Wolf. Like I said, it's short. Secondly, it is not a romance. I think he would do best with something unlikely to waste his time. Here's the synopsis:

Selphie awoke in a sealed room surrounded by ladders. On the bed next to her is a white wolf. He has promised not to EAT her, but she doesn't believe him. Wolves can't climb trees or ladders. She could leave him there, but what will she find on the upper floors to send her back down to the wolf who swears he isn't hungry?

Ex-boyfriend #4

Last time I heard, Ex-boyfriend #4 was a philosophy professor. I had to stop following him on social media because I found his posts self-righteously tolerant. People who are that proud of themselves for being open-minded urk me a little. Don't act so surprised! If I had been in love with him, I wouldn't have gotten my cousin to help orchestrate our breakup. He was a nice guy, but not for me. With that in mind, he probably knows I'm a novelist too, though I doubt he's interested. He's probably somewhere drinking a craft beer, having a deep conversation about life over a wooden table with a live edge. I wish him well.

As he was the only boy I dated who lived in the same town as me, I have just the thing for him. It's my story, Blog Entries of the Brokenhearted. In my mind, it is the only story I've ever written that takes place in my hometown. Here's the synopsis:

Fall in love with a ghost and wake up to a real boy... And he's yelling at you.

Ex-boyfriend #5

I don't follow him on social media, and he doesn't follow me. We have a lot of the same friends, but we don't follow each other, try to be friendly, or act grown up. I avoid him, and he avoids me. With that said, I know whereabouts he lives and what he does for a living. He probably knows the same about me. I don't think the two of us could help being curious about each other. So, I have no doubt he knows what I do. The idea that he reads my work is absolutely on the table. He reads. The two of us used to read the same books at the same time. The idea that he would be scornful of my work is also absolutely on the table. I write romances. I bet he has a thing or two to say about them, and I bet a lot of his criticisms are right on the money. He's probably 100% right about me, seeing all my flaws exactly as they are. He's the sort of person I wouldn't be able to hide from if he wanted to rip me apart. He'd probably be better at it than any other person on earth, taking out my liver and lungs like a doctor doing an autopsy.

Even though I know he'd hate my writing, even though I know he'd criticize my writing, even though I know what he thinks of me, and none of it is flattering... Even so... I hope he reads it. I hope he reads it all. I hope he writes down what he thinks. I hope he's the first person to download my book when I release a new one. I hope he hates it so much, he angrily paces the floor at night when he should be sleeping.

Ah... All that is too much to ask. Eventually, I got over him. Completely. So, it is possible that he also got over me. The thing is that he lingered in my mind for much longer then even made sense. I used to put little things about him in my books. He's one of the people I've used the most as a character model. He was once a major feature in my books. Not anymore. I used up everything the two of us had together. Now, there's not even a trace of him.

The last thing I heard him say about me was scathing... and I enjoyed that so much. I always want to thank him for hating me so thoroughly. In my dreams, I run into him. My cheeks flush, and I ask him breathlessly, "Do you still hate me?" And he says, "Yes." The idea makes me so happy.

I recommend my book Hidden Library to him. Here's the synopsis:

Veda didn't expect Salinger to fall for her so completely that he was willing to dive into an adventure with needles, crystal balls, spell books, magic circles, and the delicate curtain that separates this world from the next.

Ex-boyfriend #6

I don't remember having a conversation with this guy about books. That said, I don't think he'd be interested in the tiniest thing about me. So, I don't know his book preferences or anything. He was very quiet. Since I know so little about him (even though he was one of my longest-lasting boyfriends), I would be really bold in recommending a book for him. I'd recommend Octavia Girl Vol I. Here's the synopsis:

Jenna Fairchild has a secret. She has a black crown under her headphone strap. When she's stolen away to Octavia Prime where she meets the Octavians, the real drama begins! Romcom meets space opera!

Ex-boyfriend #7

I really cannot get enough of this man. I married him and ran off with him to an island in the Pacific Ocean, and we never came back. It's all true. So, yes, he knows I'm a novelist. Yes, he's seen my books. A few of them are dedicated to him. Yes, he's super supportive. He's lovely all the way through.

If anything, he has specific kinds of books that he likes, and I don't always write stuff that makes him happy. So instead of saying what I would recommend for him, I'll say the book that I haven't let him read. It's Goldilocks Zone. That is the fourth book of my Sleeping Beauty Inc. series. He's not a huge fan of those books because he doesn't like people being sold, which is a completely legitimate complaint, but I thought that he would specifically not enjoy Goldilocks Zone, so I let him off the hook for having to read it. Here's the synopsis:

Ornette is a model who has been bought and sold many times. This time, she's been sold to participate in a fashion reality TV show on Venus called Goldilocks Zone.

This ended up being my fattest Sleeping Beauty Inc. book. It's almost 100k, which is my absolute limit. I can't write books longer than that as they get bogged down in editing, but I could have written more for it. It was a thrilling topic. I loved Ornette so much. So far, she has been my favorite heroine.

Ex-boyfriend #8

I bet you're wondering how this happened. Well, Boyfriend #7 was away, and when I say 'away', I mean that he had lived in a different country for over six months when I decided to date someone else with a little sincerity. I told him I was dating someone else, and he didn't like it, but he also knew everything about me, and he wasn't worried. He knew I'd be back. I wouldn't be able to stay away. You know, I'm not sure if I've ever given a male hero as much confidence as my husband possesses. He is a fountain of confidence.

Ex-boyfriend #8 was great. He did not do a single thing wrong, except not be Boyfriend #7. Sometimes, only one person will do. Anyway, he was really nice to me. We parted on very good terms. He liked D&D, so I have to recommend my novelette, The House with Two Halves. I think he'd like it. Here's the synopsis:

For once, a prince must be sacrificed to save a kingdom instead of a princess. Torsten has been raised to paint and not to fight. What will happen when the knight from the Hollowmen takes him into the woods no one returns from? How will he survive the house with two halves?

As for whether or not he knows I'm a writer, I'd say he knows. I think he's probably not interested, which is fine by me.

That brings us to the end of my list. I didn't even cover half of the books I've written. Someday, I'll do another list with my friends for my friends and which books I'd recommend to them.