If I wasn’t disabled….

When I tried to be honest of myself to others or sharing similar experiences with them… so many years.. I tried to be opened! I tried to share something that if I wasn’t alone in this and that!

unfortunately—

I get many words or responses like—

‘’No trauma/info dumping’,

’because your overshare’,

‘’you’re made them trigger/uncomfortable ’

‘ you need to be more positive’,

’‘ you need to love yourself more,’

’its no big deal’,

“it’s all in the past”,

“let it go”,

“get over it”,

“you’re making yourself sick”,

‘’well that’s all your fault thought’

’thats your problem - not mine’

’nobody cares’

“we don’t want to hear your negative stuff“,

‘you’re being dramatic’ stop being such a Debbie downer’,etc..

After these words I get, I felt ashamed and then I get quieter, didnt say any word if I want to speak or not.

It got me silent, every single time, no matter where I go, every time, I get silent even nobody ever interested to chat with me…

‘I’m an outcast(I’ll alway will be) and I really don’t care if someone said that I’m labeling myself or it’s always my fault that I said it to myself—-but this is who I am in reality, because I was born broken and a burden in this planet.

My whole life, I mean -my entire personal life could have been better, successfully, brighter, and even much happier than my reality… Why?

My brighter life(well, what you called a fantasy life)… I would be an amazing but a successful artist, an illustrator, a storyboard artist, and the cartoonist; an actress married a writer/an actor like great team and support each other!

My real life, I’m nothing! So, Why is that?

For starters— forgive my rage because I’m still in pain, angry, and hurt so badly- over and over again because nobody cares or understands me..

I’m still tired of everything… I’m still tired of being me in this world..

‘So, just think about it—

If I wasn’t disabled, I would be treated like a worthy, but a healthy human being.

Instead, I’m nothing but an unworthy being, an object, an alien, or an animal.

If I wasn’t grew up in special Ed classes from any school, I can be more inclusive, have great social skills, always be around with my siblings, peers, and friends..

Instead, I get excluded and isolated permanently even if I isolated myself to step away from my trauma- including bullying, school pressure, and divorce.

If I don’t have any language disorder or any developmental delay disorder, my communication with others would be so wonderful.

instead, I get ghosted and ignored easily …

If I wasn’t held back in third grade, I could have more better social life, have great social skills, without being bullied, stay connected with my friends and peers better.

instead, I get more lonelier, every single day —same as my adult life.

if I don’t have any mental health disorders, I wouldn’t be worried about being stigmatized.

Instead, I’ve been labeled by others and even myself- freak, dumb, weak, needy, ugly, stupid, crazy, creepy, psycho, “R” word, attention seeking whore, outcast, manipulator, outsider, dramatic, selfish, and negative…

‘If my feelings were matter and valid, I could be more appreciated and loved by others even when I’m sad..

‘Instead, I get excluded, punished, abandoned, or ignored, like I get time out in the jail-like closet from the special Ed class.

Im asking you questions….Please honest with me——

Do you think I’m a cursed?

Do you think I’m creepy?

Are you afraid of me?

Am I really a human?

Do you wish I should be fixed or I should get fixed right now?

Are you glad that I’m exist or I should never exist at all in the first place?

If you haven’t read my writing about my deepest wound from my childhood-read this too——

If you do cared about me, I appreciated and I’m grateful for that.

if you don’t care about me, so—-what’s the point of for living anyway..