I Wanted It, But I Didn't Need It

I wanted it, but didn’t need it.

That’s always so interesting to think about, our needs vs our wants. There’s so many things we want - the latest electronics, the latest designer clothes, the hottest car. And that’s normal - we want those finer things in life sometimes. Relationships are the same way; we want that sense of companionship, that intimacy that comes with knowing someone on the deepest level, the feeling that comes with knowing someone has your back and is the calm to your chaos.

But do we need it? That’s the question here.

I recently ended a situation where I was really starting to think about whether I needed that type of thing, or whether it was just a want of mine. I’m 27; I don’t really connect much with people or venture into the “dating” pool because frankly, I’ve run across some people that make me cringe, and I’ve seen my friends in situations where it makes me grateful to be on my own. When I give people a chance or let them into my intimate bubble, that means I really like them and I actually see some sort of potential. To be fair, I did see some sort of potential with this person. Things were good in the beginning. We really connected on an intimate level and I truly enjoyed that feeling of knowing someone on that intimate level, or being trusted with seeing the ins and outs of that particular person. Connections are lovely, feelings can get pretty intense. I’m not the type of person that really shows affection because it’s gotten thrown back in my face, but I found myself really opening up to this person.

It was something I wanted, and suddenly I had it.

But as time goes on and life starts throwing curveballs, at you and at the situation, you start to do a check of what you need in your life and what you want. And again, of course you want that intimacy, you want that deep connection with another person, you want the calm to your chaos.

And it’s fine when a person brings all these beautiful things into your life, but at what cost? You don’t want the frequent shutting down at the mere mention of a deep and serious conversation. You don’t want the constant jokes during moments when you’re trying to be serious. You don’t want to feel like there’s no room for you to share your struggles because all you hear is “me, me, me” from the other person. You don’t want to feel like you can’t share important parts of your life - the friends you love, the habits that make you special - because that person will feel like you care more about those little important pieces more than you do about them and the relationship.

And what’s the point really of putting your all into something when you’ll just be accused of not caring enough, not doing enough, not being affectionate enough? How can I be affectionate when I’m being shut down? There’s only so many times I’m going to have my own way of showing I care and it not being enough before I stop doing it altogether.

I don’t want all that chaos, and I damn sure don’t need it.

And I also don’t want or need someone who is unwilling to recognize that they have faults. We all have faults, that’s just human nature. But part of growing up is being willing to recognize those faults and to actually take the steps towards wanting to change, to wanting to grow and heal. You can’t just sit in those faults and constantly declare that you’ll “stay miserable” or whatever. That’s not how life works.

Everyone’s gotta grow up sometimes.

So I said all of that to say, of course I wanted things to work out. I wanted to try with this person if they were willing to try too. I wanted that intimacy. I wanted the connection.

But I didn’t need it. I never needed it.

And so for my own peace and sanity, I ended it. Because what I truly need to do is continue to focus on me, continue to grow from my mistakes, and continue to be the best version of myself possible.

That is all I truly need.