I TRIED AND TRIED, I WASN'T ENOUGH.

HI! My name is Subhankhi. Today I will share a story about my failure. I don't want to disappoint anyone but this is an experience I will never forget. From a very early age, I was very interested in acting. I was absolutely obsessed over the Bollywood actresses. I was amazed at the crazy amount of fame and love they always get. So out of greed for fame, at a very early age, I decided I will be an actor when I grow up.

Back then I didn’t quite understand acting, what is it? How do people do it? And most importantly, why do people love these actors so much? However, a few months later my point of view actually changed. When I was 13 years old, I watched a movie called ‘kaahani’. My mind was one step away from bursting out as I was astonished by Vidya Balan’s performance. I started watching a lot of movies keenly and, Slowly started understanding the art of acting. I started realizing acting has nothing to do with fame or money, it is far greater than these material concepts.

Then I watched ‘The shining’, and I was blown away by the concept and acting. I just didn’t know that anything like that was possible. That’s when I signed an imaginary contract to myself that I will become an actress.

I was 17 years old at that time and the theatre I wanted to join had an age limit (18 and above), so obviously I patiently waited for 1 year. As soon as I turned 18, I jumped to join the group. They took a small interview and I got selected!

Hurray!!!! My childhood dream is about to become a reality, I am going to perform in front of so many people. I didn’t care how many lines I had, I just wanted to perform and see if I can do the craft, I always wanted.

The training started.

Every newcomer in the group has to go through exhausting training physically and mentally, but I didn’t care how hard it was, I vowed to myself I am going to complete it no matter what! Finally, after 3 months of tremendous exercises; I got a chance to perform my craft in front of my trainers. I did a solo play of a soldier’s wife who died in the war. I really cannot say how the play went but after my first act, I saw tears in my teacher’s eyes. OMG ! My performance bought tears to my teacher’s eyes, which means I can really act. I freaked out but quietly! I came home that day and started imaging myself performing in front of thousands of audiences and they are clapping for me.

The training went on for 6 months! with each second passing in the workshop, my vow to fulfill my dream was becoming stronger and stronger. I performed around 14 to 16 plays, I was getting better and better at my craft. In the end, I and my classmates performed a final play of 45 minutes, which was supposed to change our lives but it ruined everything.

After the play, we were official members of the theatre company. I thought to myself “wow! This is what I have been waiting for my entire life”. Now that my training was over, I thought I will come closer to my teachers and they will teach me a lot of new acting techniques. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I started noticing strange behavior among my teachers, they were suddenly very rude to me. Although, these are the same people who appreciated me before. I tried to confront them but either they ignored me or didn’t face me at all. I was confused as hell; I thought to myself, “wait a second! I came here to learn acting, not to please anybody '. So after a certain point, I stopped bothering about them. I started noticing some of my classmates left the group because of the toxic environment; only a few of us were left in the group.

Even though I knew that I am capable of ignoring such toxic environment, but I was wrong. I found myself struggling to keep myself focused. I realized I am getting far and far away from my craft.

Day of my first stage performance.

Finally, the day I have been waiting for. Today I will be performing on stage not as a trainee but as a member of the theatre company. I was obviously nervous and a bit overexcited. I practiced my part a thousand times in front of the mirror. In the group, we had to design the set on our own, so I walked onto the set, and set everything up. Finally, After the third bell rang, I performed my part. I recalled feeling a sense of relief on the stage, it’s like you are a different person here; you are not the same person as yesterday; your emotions, your feeling, everything is new. I realized I was falling in love with the stage.

After doing my performance I went inside my greenroom, feeling blessed for everything I had and the first thing I heard was ‘YOU WERE SO UNDERCONFIDENT, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING AS BAD AS YOU DID IN THAT PART,’. I was shocked, and before asking anything she said ‘don’t take my group for granted, you are clearly replaceable.’ For the moment, my whole world just stopped, I was sitting in the greenroom alone and numb. I wasn’t exactly upset but confused, I did the exact thing in rehearsal, how come nobody ever told me I was horrible. I am a bad performer!

When I asked my teacher what was wrong with me she said,’ I don’t have extra time to train you! Improve yourself or you are out!’ Thankfully I was not out. But I don’t know why I felt like I am sinking. I can’t find a way to pull myself up. Maybe because I just couldn’t understand the problem. None of the teachers was willing to help me. Out of frustration, I consulted my batchmate from the group and she said all of these things are happening to her as well. I didn’t know the solution to this problem, how can I solve it? Suddenly I was nervous before going to the stage even in rehearsals. I started realizing something is wrong. I need to fix myself. What happened to the cheerful, confident girl who was ready to learn everything? What happened to the girl who nailed most of her performances?

I really don’t know why I felt like they are taking advantage of me. There was an unwritten rule of the group, all the newcomers had to design the set, manage the props and do all the small little tasks without money or anything. “Are they purposefully pressurizing us so that we don’t ask any questions or demand our fees?” I don’t know the answer. I loved designing the set, prepping for the play, but If I am getting a small part in the play in the cost of body-shaming comments, constant unappreciation, and rude behaviors, I can’t keep up with that!

What’s the point of doing something I love if it is keeping me far from loving myself?

After this, it was time for another show, two days before the show a senior from the group accused me that I misplaced the costume, and started humiliating me. I knew that something like this will happen! I just didn’t react and slowly made my mind to leave the group.

This decision wasn’t very easy. I remembered feeling alone, scared, and most importantly not good enough. I started hating myself, calling myself indecisive, ungrateful, and whatnot. I didn’t have the courage to leave the group, not because the group had influential people but the fear of failure to keep the promise to myself.

Finally, I left the group thinking, I may be weak, indecisive, ungrateful but this is my life and if this institution cannot provide me mental peace, I am out. Some people told me ‘this industry is very insensitive, everybody is like this if you lose here, you lose everywhere’, and honestly this was one of the reasons resisting me from leaving the group. Now, this may or may not be true. After leaving the group, I am finally getting better at my craft again. I am watching movies, learning something new every day. In fact, I gave few movie auditions and I am becoming that cheerful girl once again. I may not be very successful in the future or get an insane amount of fame or money, but I will be happy doing a regular 9 to 5 job with the things I most love “Acting”.

So I chose, myself and peace over fame or money. Let me know your story.