I Quit

With a lifetime of knowing how to find the good and bad in every person I meet, the normal tricks won't work on me. I know your honeyed words are a lie, a clever ploy to get me to open up to you and give you ammunition to shoot me in the back. Nothing personal passes through these lips to your ear. You don't deserve the satisfaction of putting me down behind closed doors. I see how you talk to each other, interact, joke, laugh, and go about your day. I also see how you all insult and spread rumors when the other isn't looking. Although it may not be obvious that I'm paying that close attention, I assure you that I am. The hushed words whispered in the room are not that silent, but I think you're all aware of that, aren't you? Otherwise those words wouldn't be spoken aloud while those you torment are across the room.

The words of comfort for the lonely and bullied in school is you'll never have to put up with those people once you graduate. While the meaning is true, what isn't shared is the secret that the neglected will meet those same people in different forms. The hurtful phrases are worded as a joke for all to laugh at, and I'll admit, I did laugh at first. The act to get on your good graces and bring your guard down is more clever from years of practice on the other victims before you. High school doesn't prepare you for the real world that comes after the diploma. There is no manual on people, coworkers, friends, neighbors, or lovers. There will always be a piece in the puzzle that is different and won't conform with the others in the box. That piece is me. It took me far too long to realize that I don't want to be like them. I don't want to turn into a hateful person whose ego is so inflated that I can no longer see my faults underneath me.

Years of watching these same people every day. Months of getting to know their personality as the time clock ticks down. Weeks of listening to them interact with each other and those around them, studying the words they say to faces and behind backs. Days of learning what, and whatnot, to say around them. Hours of wishing I could remove myself from their negative presence.

There comes a time when being the bigger person does not help anymore. When constantly pushing the snide remarks and dirty looks aside doesn't have the calming effect it used to have. It's been too long to change the person I am around them now. I've tried. The constant up and down of having their friendship or their silence has taken its toll on me. No more will I stand for it. No more will I be the silent entity that is there to be the subject of their animosity.

I quit the mental torment. I quit the 9 to 5 insults and neglect. I quit these people, this job, these strangers that I used to call my friends. I quit everything that strives to make me feel like less than human. Even if I hit rock bottom on my way out the door, the cold stone will feel better than the cold shoulders I touch every day. I can climb from the bottom to find my place at the top where the vacant stares and poisoned words will never grab a hold of me again. I quit being a slave to the chains that hold me at the bottom of the totem pole. I deserve better than the treatment I get day in and day out.

I quit the negativity to find my peace, and I will never regret not looking in the rear view mirror.