I’m sorry I looked

Apologies to the

Woman

Who read my daughter’s oxygen

You chose to be a pediatric nurse

So I know you’re good and kind

But even if you weren’t

You’d still be worthy of respect

And positive regard

But I gave less than that

It wasn’t deliberate

I was actually trying my damnedest not to

Do it

But

It was still my fault

My eyeballs betrayed me

My eyeballs disobeyed me

My eyeballs went rogue

They say eyes are the window to our souls.

Well, my eyes showed a thief

My eyes stole a glance

—a view—

Not intended for me

I objectified you

Reduced you to the your parts

I blame my eyes

But it’s still my fault

I

Was

Wrong

And

I

Am

Sorry

Because no woman deserves

To be

Ogled at work

I might have made you uncomfortable

And I regret that

You should have been able and free

To

Work

And to

Just be

Without the unwanted

Lecherous

Lizard-brain

Stares

Of

Old, single dads like me

You were respectful

You were professional

But more:

You were fully human

And yet

You were reduced

By an accidental glance

You did not deserve to be redefined as an object

Not even a beautiful one

Because you’re more than just a pretty face and a lot, lot more than just a pretty behind

I kick myself for not controlling my gaze

And I kick myself for slipping into raw impulse

And for letting my eyes rove to the point of exclusion

And to the point of blindness to personhood

And to the point of fixation

When I stole a glance

At

A part of you that is not mine

But utterly and entirely

Yours

***

***

***

Author’s note:

I try not to cast uninvited glances.

But my biological impulse was/ is to dial in on shapes that hint a reproductive value.

It’s natural to look.

But it’s also, potentially hurtful.

And at its best, the impulse is mere stupid instinct, so I try to resist the pull.

Usually I succeed.

This time I slipped up.

I took my daughter to the doctors office, and the nurse was really very pretty. Like peak attractiveness. But that’s not her fault.

I succeeded at not saying anything flirty or weird. I kept the convo on topic.

Not only because I was there with my kid, but also because women always deserve decency, no matter how attractive they are and no matter where they work.

I kept it all respectful.

Then she turned around and before I knew what I was doing my eyes landed on her ass. She wasn’t dressed in any kind of way that would accentuate or flaunt her body.

She was literally wearing scrubs.

Her damn work uniform.

I legit regretted it, instantly, and even though my limbic system obviously appreciated what I saw and pleaded for more, I managed to peel my eyes away.

But she turned to look back, right as I was looking away, and there’s no way she didnt know I was checking out her ass.

I didn’t comment or keep staring, so I know it’s not the very worst thing that’s ever happened to a woman in a professional setting. But I still felt rude. I was immediately, acutely aware of how uncomfortable this could have made her feel.

Even a natural glance can make a person feel sexualized/ objectified.

I couldn’t go apologize to her, that would have amplified the insult.

I know some folks might not care if a stranger casts a glance at them in passing like this, but the bottom line is people— especially women— should be safe to work without unwanted attention.

And I should have had better control over my eyes.

Now, this was a brief glance. I wasn’t staring. I wasn’t drooling. But still, this brief glance was a problem because it was simultaneously intrusive and reductive.