I'm Kind of All over the place

I've got a lot of balls in the air, bear with me, folks.

On the surface, things aren't so bad for me. I have known a lot of single Moms in my day, and I have it better than most. I have a full-time job, where I am able to work remotely. I have a home, a car, a spectacular partner in life, etc. So, when I complain, it seems selfish.

I never thought I'd have children. I definitely never thought that I would be in my 40s as a single parent with two children. I don't think that anyone ever sees themselves in that position.

The not so easy part, I am raising two children, both on the Autism spectrum. While they both are very high functioning, the challenges still exist. The fears are still there.

There are times that I lie awake at night wondering if my 17-year-old daughter will ever lead a normal life. Times like today, when I inform her that she cannot wear her Super Mario-themed pajamas to school every day. She sits in tears as I attempt to explain to her my reasoning for this. While it makes perfect sense to me, it makes zero sense to her. I am certain there is no way for me to explain it to where she would genuinely understand.

I wonder if she will ever have her own apartment, take care of herself, or live the life she has always dreamed of. Selfishly, I wonder if I will be taking care of her for the rest of my life. I then frighten myself with the idea of what she would do without me. It makes me want to cry.

I love my children more than anything. All children can be challenging, regardless of Autism. We all have struggles. I hate to complain. But days like today are hard. Maybe I could write a song about it or bury myself in a book.

It is highly possible that I am underestimating my daughter. I have done that since she was diagnosed. I am projecting my fears onto her, which is why she is so hesitant to try new things. This is another thought that keeps me awake at night. I never have had faith in myself - but I never wanted to project that onto my children.

The future is something we have a lot of control over. At least our own futures. There are a lot of aspects that are unpredictable, but there are many ways we can create a better one for ourselves and those around us.

In my case, I need to have more confidence in my abilities as a parent, writer, musician, partner, and everything else that I have my hand in. This isn't new to me, I have never had any confidence in anything that I did, because when I was growing up, I didn't think anybody cared what I did or what I accomplished.

As I became an adult, suddenly people in my life cared about those things, and I had no idea how to respond to it. In fact, I still don't. I have zero clue how to take a compliment. My lack of confidence in my abilities and in myself has held me back from so much. I would love for it to stop. But a mindset is a mindset. It is never easy to get out of.

I love to write, and I tend to ramble a lot. If you can relate, or have any words of wisdom, I also have ears. If you can relate, I am sorry, but I feel you...I really do.