I'm deeply sorry

May 5th, 2022

Oh mother,

The past three weeks were tough. On me and you, and we both know it’s my fault. I’m sorry I made you cry, especially after not seeing you in two long years. I realize I’m not always pleasant to be around. And that I criticize the choices you have made. But when we talked, and made up, I began to understand. I had been slowly breaking our precious relationship, blaming you for years for making the first dents and cracks.

But I had to come back to my new home. I left in pieces. And to see your face as I go through airport security, not knowing when you’ll see me again, crushes me like nothing else.

If I could go back to the start of my trip back home, 20 days ago, with the regret I have in me right now, I would have definitely treated you better. I know it has been hard for you to lead the family after dad fell sick. But ever since I was a kid and was able to communicate, you and Dad kept important things away from me- and I noticed coming back home, that you still keep things away from me. Important matters about your lives that concern not only me, but our whole family.

Speaking of Dad, I’m sorry my awful relationship with him has damaged a big part of ours. I try to listen to you, because I know you try to understand me. But Dad, he’s set in stone. Anchored in his thoughts. And emotionally imprisoned.

If you knew the words he said to me growing up, and how much I’ve come to heal from this trauma (on my own) while being away, you’d be surprised. Many moments you probably don’t remember. Conversations between you two, you thought I never heard. You’d be surprised. I honestly do not know how me and my father will sort out our differences.

Growing up, you’ve always stressed that ‘I’m not just another one of your friends, I’m your mother. You have to respect me’ and this has been ingrained in me in such a way, that now as an adult, I can’t seem to befriend you. I was brought up fearing my parents reaction to what I needed to tell them, so I never did tell you many things. As you did to me. So here’s something you need to know: Victor was my first love. He never loved me as a partner, but always as a friend. And when he passed away last year, it was the first time I truly felt sorrow.

I've been away for ten years, mom. A whole decade. And if I was writing this letter on a piece of paper, you’d notice the dried up tears. I need to emphasize how deeply ashamed I am to have broken your heart once more. I promise I will visit more often, two years apart has been traumatizing and I promise I’ll write to you everyday from now on. I know you will forgive me, because that’s what you always have done. And today, I recognize parts of you in me everyday, it warms me up and makes me appreciate you and it makes me so proud to be your child and so grateful for dedicating your life to me and my sister.

You know, I once met a guy who told me that teaching skills were hereditary. That a big percentage of the children whose parents were teachers, ended up also teaching. Today I had to teach a new hire at work, and at the end of my shift, all I thought of was you in the classroom.

I love you mother, more than you could know.

PS: Flowers are scheduled to arrive tomorrow, so I hope you’ll be home. I had never once sent you flowers, in all the years I’ve been away.

- Ms. Rodwell