I’m Battling Depression and Writing Through it all

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar in high school, and that’s when the penny dropped for me. I realised that the dark feeling of dread when I experienced each morning was depression, a severe case of clinical depression.

I was diagnosed at 25 years old, and the doctor prescribed anti-depressants but after taking them for a month, I made the decision to self-medicate, and these days I take ashwagandha tea, meditate, walk 10,000 steps a day, consume at least two green juices a day, and I write, daily.

Writing is therapy.

I’m not a perfect writer, I’m a writer who pours my heart out on a blank page each day. I don’t focus on a specific niche or topic, I focus on writing from the soul. If feel like writing about making money online, I will. I feel like writing about mental health, I will. I feel like writing a short story or poem, I will. I write from the soul, and follow my creative heart.

Right now, I’m going through a difficult time, I struggle to drag myself out of bed each day but i’m forcing myself to do a writing challenge, and a manifestation challenge.

I’m manifesting a certain amount of money, and each day, I meditate at least six times a day, it’s not easy, but I set alarms for each session, and it’s working well for me.

Depression an invisible illness, and people who don’t have it, will say:

“Get on with it”

“What does it even mean to be depressed?”

“Pull yourself together”

Well, honestly, over the years, I’ve done just that. I’ve “pulled” myself together, I’ve plastered a smile on my face, even when I feel like crying, but these days, when people ask me the question:

“How are you.”

I say:

“I’m not feeling too good today, but I’m battling through.”

Most people don’t want to hear that, it’s too much for them to handle. They’ve got their own problems, and they don’t want to listen to yours. Mostly, people respond with a blank stare. I walk off, and keep moving through my day.

As I write this, it’s a Saturday afternoon, and I’m getting my writing done for the day. The plan is to write at least 1000 words and to create a “write with me” video as I write to post on one of my YouTube channels.

I’m what they call a “high functioning depressive.” Most people don’t believe me when I say that I have clinical depression, they think I’m lying for attention.

The usual response is:

“You don’t look like someone who has depression, and you don’t act like it either.”

Well, depression can look like a person crying non-stop, to an overachiever, someone who puts themselves under extreme pressure to succeed to impress their parents or friends. The Late Michael Jackson was depressed, and he suffered from severe anxiety. He pumped himself full of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication before his untimely death, but this is a man who broke so many musical records, he was a perfectionist and worked his fingers to the bone for his dream.

As a writer, I’ve put myself under extreme pressure, especially when I started writing on Medium. I would write three articles a day, and most of the time, I wouldn’t sleep until the early hours of the morning.

When I built my first blog, I worked 18 hours a day to make it perfect. I can say that I’m a recovering perfectionist now, I give myself grace, and I rest when I need to. However, I can’t go a month without challenging myself. I have to challenge myself because it’s a form of therapy, it’s cleansing, it’s cathartic.

Right now, I’m doing a $500 challenge here on Vocal, and I know it’s not going to be easy but it gives me something to look forward to each day.

When I earn that $500, I’ll invest it into my newest blog site, and I’ll definitely multiply that money thousand-fold. I’ve built six figure blogs in 12 months before, and I know I can do it again.

I’ve made money, lost money, made the wrong decisions, but I always come back fighting. I never back down, I’ll keep writing until my lungs give out. I’m a born fighter, and I’ll never stop fighting.

Depression is an evil disease, but I can’t give up because of this silent killer, this year, I’m going to fight on, and keep fighting on.

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