I Have A Crush On You

It was the start of the second term of year nine and a new girl from Sydney had joined our year. She was not in my class but from the moment I laid eyes on her I was in awe of her. Her name was Alex and although you could not describe her as beautiful, she was incredibly striking. Even at fourteen, when she walked into a room she commanded attention. She had poise and such presence that all I could do was look at her every chance I got.

Even when I was in primary school I had crushes on my some of my female teaches. There was a deep stirring within me when it came to the comfort given to me by women. I never had healthy male role models. The men in my life were always violent and controlling and I was afraid of them. Once Alex came into my life I no longer questioned my sexuality.

It took me some time before I actually spoke to her but fate was looking my way. My best friend Paula became friends with her before I did. They both lived in the same suburb and Alex’s mum gave Paula a lift home each afternoon.

I had my opening into the realm of her world but she was not an easy person to get to know. She had a wall around her as though life was just too painful to let anybody in. I knew that feeling so well. The wall only made me want to get closer to her. I had to know this special girl. I love a challenge and here was a living, breathing, beautiful challenge.

Slowly but surely I eased myself into her life and over a couple of years we became friends but the wall was still impenetrable. She trusted no one and I wondered what had happened to make her so distrusting. I opened up to her and told her about my painful childhood and she was shocked as people always are. It drew us a little closer.

We began to spend more and more time together and I loved her dry, sarcastic sense of humour. She knew how I felt about her and she was heady with the power she had over me. There were frequent sexual overtones in our conversations and innuendo in what she said to me and I loved it. Could it be that she felt the same way about me?

She began to open up to me and I discovered that like me she too had an extremely troubled home life.

In time a deep connection grew between us. I was so in love with her it hurt. I wanted to be with her every waking minute and dreamt of her when I was asleep. I thought about no one else. She consumed me. I was beginning to worry that I had my father’s obsessional tendencies.

School life was so idyllic for us. I was popular and had so many friends and Alex was an innate part of my life. My days spent at school were incredibly happy for me. I adored school and dreaded 3.30 each afternoon when the school day ended and I had to go home. We all wished that we were at boarding school and we could just hang out together and be ourselves.

My friends and I shared a special bond as we all had problems at home, especially with our fathers or father figures. School was freedom and our salvation from the confines of an unhappy home life.

When Alex and I were together everything felt so right. At lunchtime I’d lay with my head in her lap under a tree and she’s stroke my hair the way my maternal grandmother used to do. All was right with the world. The only problem was we were never together enough for my liking. Neither of us cared what others thought about our friendship. We just wanted to be together. I had never felt so loved since my grandmother died. Because this extraordinary girl loved me I felt incredibly special. I felt needed and cherished and I knew she opened up to me in a way she did with no one else. She was the unending light that shone in the darkness of my life outside of school.

We would write letters to each other all the time. I’d wait expectantly for those letters, rushing to the mailbox, giddy with anticipation of what she would say to me, in the hidden meanings of what she wrote on those pages.

I wrote her poetry and proposed to her in a letter. I thought she’d get angry at the marriage proposal, instead she said it was cute and she wanted to spend her life with me too. We both wanted to take away each other’s pain, but we couldn’t. However, just being together made the pain easier to bear. If we weren’t at school and something happened at home I’d catch a bus to her place and she’d hold me and comfort me and tell me we’d run away together.

While life at home was a living hell, life at school and my first love with Alex was idyllic but she was also my biggest secret.

I loved hanging out with my friends especially Alex and when we were within the walls of our safe Catholic girl’s college everything was ok until we had to go home. I met her when I was fourteen and she made life at home bearable because of the time we had at school and when I could sneak away to be with her and my other friends.

Our life went on it's idyllic way at school but it all started to change when we getting close to leaving school. I didn’t know how I was going to be ok without her when we no longer had the sanctity of our daily school life to help us get through.

We were both growing up and would soon have to navigate the adult world. I guess the adult world could be no scarier than what we were all dealing with at home. We could both feel the undercurrents, that soon, when our final year at high school was over we would not have our daily routine and we would possibly be separating at least by the possibility of university, new careers and stepping into adulthood. It would be a huge change.

Alex kept reassuring me that as we followed our different career paths we would be ok and that nothing could ever really separate us but I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t feel the level of confidence that she felt that we would be able to stay together.

Alex was already eighteen and my eighteenth birthday was fast approaching and it felt like now or never I just wanted to take her out on a dream date but we weren't both old enough to drink yet. I’d have to wait until I turned eighteen.

I wonder if you know how much I love you Alex and how many times I watch you from afar even though we are best friends and I see you every day at school but it’s never enough. I love to just stare at your beautiful face. Wow that sounds weird as I write that but I don’t mean it in that way.

I’m not really allowed to love you. God says no and the Catholic Church says no. My love for you is an abomination according to my family if they knew. They don’t know. You are my biggest secret but I don’t care. I just want to be with you.

When I’m with you all seems right with the world. So you know maybe we could go on a date. Where can I take you when I have no money to my name? With my eighteenth birthday coming up maybe we could go into the city and do dinner and a movie but then all our friends would want to come too. How can I make it so it’s just you and me on a date? Maybe I should be honest and just tell you I want to go out just with you for my birthday and do something with our other friends on another day.

I know they would be upset as we always just all hang out together. How do I swing this? I think I’m going to have to do the birthday thing with the group of us and take you out on a date on the weekend. My birthday this year is a Thursday night so maybe we could hang out on the Saturday? I'm having this conversation in my head and imagining what you would say.

All the machinations I have to go through to make this work with you. I’ll figure it out. I just have to in order to be with you when I turn eighteen.

Ok so this could be fun planning all this, where to go, what to do, how to kiss you. Will I be brave enough to kiss you? “Don’t get ahead of yourself” I say to myself. I’ll have to do it on a night when I stay over at my Grandmother’s so you can stay over too. She doesn’t really care who comes over to stay just so long as she's not alone and she gets to cook for any guests. My parent’s being so strict don’t allow you to stay over. They don’t like you for some reason or don’t trust you. They know how much influence you have over me. They believe you are a bad influence over me. If you come stay over they can must never know.

At least you drive now that you are eighteen so we could go on a day trip but I don’t want you to have to drive when it’s me taking you out on a date. I want it to be romantic so I had better start planning. I want it to be just right.

I tell my parent’s I need money for a field trip day excursion at school to Phillip Island to go see the Fairy Penguins. I’ll have to come up with some way of putting together a permission slip. That would be the perfect date for us. A day trip to Phillip Island but you would have to drive and I can’t afford a place for us to stay over. I don’t know what to do or how to work it out but somehow it all comes together.

I manage to put together a permission slip for Phillip Island by using the computer and photocopier in the school library so I now have $60 for our date and a scheduled extra night after school where I will be able to get home really late because my parent’s believe we have a school excursion to Phillip Island. Somehow my parent's fall for the Phillip Island School excursion thing. I don't know how as I'm such a bad liar and my voice and hand was shaking when I handed them the fake permission slip. I usually get caught out when I lie to them.

So I ask you out on the Saturday after my birthday, just the two of us to hang out in the city and do a movie and have an early dinner. That way we can catch the train and you don’t have to drive and I can meet you in the city and we can just hang out the two of us and walk in the Botanical Gardens. There is a movie that is about a Lesbian Athlete starring Mariel Hemingway called Personal Best and we can go see that. It will be perfect. It will be a perfect date because it’s simple and we get to just hang out.

The Saturday arrives and I'm so nervous and excited that I can barely speak. What will I say to you all day? We never have trouble conversing but today I'm having a panic attack in case I can't find the words to talk to you.

We meet in Melbourne's central business district under the clocks at Flinder's Street station. It's where everybody meets. My heart skips a beat when I see you. It always does. Maybe today will be ok or even more than ok.

You give me a big hug and kiss and wish me a happy birthday again. "but we already did that on Thursday night" I say. "Do we really need an excuse to do it again when we are now both eighteen?" you say to me with a big smirk on your face. "I guess not". I smirk back.

It's a beautiful, sunny and warm Autumn day in Melbourne which is unusual. We have an hour before the movie starts so we wander through the gorgeous botanical gardens. The gardens are breath taking and lush and filled with flowers so it's hard not to feel happy. Right now I am incredibly happy.

It's not long before we are laughing and chatting. My heart has stopped sinking at the thought that today is do or die and I am taking you on a date without you even knowing it. I feel like I'm lying to you but I sense you know what my true intentions are.

we make our way from the garden to the theatre. The cinema seems so dark after the bright sunshine and I feel incredibly uncomfortable. I jump up to go to the bathroom and to get us some drinks and popcorn.

Why did I decide to bring you to this film? I squirm in my seat. You notice me squirming and you give me that smile of yours that melts my heart, each and every time.

We get through the movie ads and the film begins. Personal Best is the story of young sprinter Chris Cahill (Mariel Hemingway) who is having difficulty reaching her potential as an athlete, until she meets established track star Tory Skinner (Patrice Donnelly). At first the two women form a friendship as Tory and her coach (Scott Glenn) help Chris with her training. Gradually, Tory and Chris start having a sexual relationship and become very close. Their intimacy becomes complicated when Chris' improvement causes them to be competitors for the Olympic team.

We sit there together watching the movie and I would like to reach over and hold your hand but I don't. The movie is uncomfortable enough. It's s bloody obvious what I am doing here with you. I'm trying to seduce you in my gawky, inexperienced teenage way. You are not stupid. I know you know what is going on here.

I love the movie because it's about Lesbians and the two women are hot together. You don't say much at all so I'm not sure whether you like it or not and I'm not going to probe you for an answer in case it's bad news and you didn't like the movie.

I take a really deep breath in and decide to just let it go as it's time for the next part of our date. You seem happy enough and we have a silent understanding not to discuss the movie.

We meander through Melbourne's laneways heading towards a dinner destination. I couldn't decide where to take you so we decide together and catch a tram to Melbourne's famous Lygon Street in Carlton and go to a favourite Italian place of mine called Spaghetti Graffiti which I've already been too with our other friend Michelle. It has a laid back and funky vibe with graffiti all over the walls, the pasta is amazing and we can have a glass of vino together.

The owner ushers us in and we have a table huddled in the corner with low lighting. It's really intimate which I love. You kind of lean towards me to hear what I'm saying and the place is noisy and bustling which is cool. I feel really grown up as we both order wine. For me it's a first time drinking alcohol. You've already had alcohol before and have a few drinks under your belt. What if I lose control after a few glasses and say or do something really stupid? I had better stick to one.

You order a glass of Merlot and I decide I'll have a glass of Merlot as well. I don't even know what Merlot will taste like. I hope it's ok and I don't spit it out. Luckily it's a very smooth Australia Merlot and even though it taste's foreign as it slides down my palate, I really like it. It goes great with the pasta. I just feel so grown up.

I have big slurps of spaghetti sauce all over my face , which you wipe off with your serviette and tease me for being a grub who can't eat properly. I give you my Cheshire Cat grin. Your nickname for me is Garfield. I could smile at you all night.

I've eaten way too much food and while I only had one glass of Merlot, you have two. I feel sleepy from the heavy pasta meal but so content as our date has gone so well. We just laughed and chatted all night with ease and you teased me mercilessly in that sarcastic way of yours and I loved every moment of it. The evening was just intimate with you. You are always so incredibly intimate with me. It's like being wrapped in a warm blanket all the time.

We catch the train home, both kind of quiet, just sort of satiated by the day and night. There is always an ease between us. Always. It's what I love most about you.

You have a small over night bag with you as we planned that we would stay at my paternal Grandmother's so we could have some more time together. My grandmother needed one of us (meaning her grandchildren) to stay with her now that my Grandfather had passed away as she is too afraid to sleep alone in her apartment at night.

Tonight I had volunteered to be her baby sitter so that Alex could stay over and no one in my family would know she was sleeping over. My Grandmother wouldn't tell anyone.

It was 8pm by the time we got to my Grandmother's and my brother had just left. He was on Grandmother sitting duty until I arrived. Alex hid in a laneway nearby until the coast was clear so that he didn't know she was with me.

We watched some inane movie on television and by 10.30pm we called it a night and headed for bed. My grandmother was getting ready for bed too.

I gave Alex the main bed and I was sleeping in a camp cot beside her. I wanted to crawl into bed beside her but was too scared to ask. I can hear the slow, steady sound of her breathing.

Love and relationships are life’s greatest teacher and I know I just need to take a chance with you and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out then at least I know I gave it my best shot. In the words of Lord Tennyson.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all. ('In Memoriam:21', 1850)

"Alex are you awake?" I ask. She turns to me with sleepy eyes. "Yeah sort of". "Can I get into bed with you? I need a hug" I say sheepishly. She pulls back the covers and invites me in without a word. I crawl into bed with her and snuggle into her warm body.

I lie with my head on your chest and listen to the gentle pulsating of your heart in my ear. It beats as if it is my own. Even in the darkness I want to gaze at your beautiful face. I want to run my fingers across your soft cheek and kiss those exquisite lips. How well I know you my love. How safe I feel wrapped in your arms like this. Do you feel it too?

As I breathe, exhaling softly into your neck like a whisper, I drink in the sweetness of you. I’m overwhelmed by the scent of you. I never want this to end. I want to kiss the softness of your neck lying against my lips. I want my tongue to gently travel the tantalizing hollow of your throat. I want to feel my body on top of yours so they merge into one. I want to show you how deep, is my desire for you.

How I’ve longed for you. How I’ve longed to lie here with you, like this. Silent, no words spoken but so much said by the simple nearness of you. The chance to feel you, hold you like a cherished gift. I feel so close to you in this moment but my heart rips with pain and my longing for you is unbearable. Do you know how I feel about you? I think you do. I want to go inside you. Know everything there is to know about you and keep those secrets locked away forever. I want to hold you close to my heart and never let you go.

The only thing that separates our skin is the flimsy fabric of our pyjamas. I want to slip your nightie over your head and feel your naked body next to mine. I want to feel our breasts pressed together. I want to love you in every way. I want you to feel my passion for you. I want to show you how much I love you but I am afraid.

I lie there in the darkness, savouring this moment in time, dreading it’s passing. When the light dawns, this time will be over and we will be forever changed. I listen to your slow breathing as you sleep and I’m overcome with my feelings for you. Right now, my world cannot be more perfect.

Many would say that my love for you, your love for me, is an aberration but lying here in your arms, this is my Nirvana. Doubts cloud my thoughts for a second and I brush them away. What if you don’t feel the way I do? In my heart I know you do. I bury my head deeper into your shoulder, lost in the essence of you. For this night I can imagine you are my lover. I can allow you to be my protector and as always when I’m with you all is right with the world. Oh God, can I endure this longing? I ache for you.

I hate it when you leave the next day. You have to sulk away just after the dawn in case one of my family members arrives unexpectedly.

You write me a letter the next day. The end is torn when I receive it and I laugh when I find out that your new puppy has chewed it. I read your words over and over again. “I loved spending that time with you. Your scent still lingers on my nightie and it almost feels as though you are here with me now. I wish you were.” You have an arrow pointing to that line and in brackets you write, “That sounds a bit odd if someone other than you and I were to read this.” I knew what you meant.

The line from a favoured poem resounds in my head. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways”. You know how much I love this poem so you buy me a collection of poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I love this poem because it’s how I feel about you. I love you in countless and just innocent ways.

I sit at Melbourne State University having a conversation with Michelle and I tell her about our night together. I don’t remember the conversation, only her face, as she looks uncomfortable. Her look silences me. How could I be so stupid? How will she ever understand? How can I adequately describe to her the most beautiful night of my life?

It’s not long after this that I see you again and you ask me the question I have been dreading. “Do I feel more for you than friendship?” Slowly I nod my head, unsure of what to say. As I look into your eyes I know I have to be honest with you. I can’t lie about this. “Yes” I say. “My feelings for you have always gone deeper than friendship”. You know I love you but at this moment I want you to understand how much. I want you to understand in what precise way I love you.

My heart beats so fast it reverberates in my head. My palms are sweating. Is this it? Is it all over between us? Will you turn and run from me, as I have feared for so long? You don’t appear to be shocked and you seem to accept what I have said. I reassure you that it doesn’t change anything between us; I value our friendship too much. I tell you I will never make a move on you; I respect you too much. It’s your turn to nod. I want you to tell me that you love me in that way too. I want you to tell me we will always be together but you don’t. Are you afraid? I wish I could get inside your head.

I ask you to keep this conversation just between us but you tell me that Paula already knows. She guessed a long time ago. A few days later I receive another letter from you telling me you are very happy with your decision for us not to break up, as you put it. You thanked me for my honesty and told me you respected me for it. You say it’s your turn to be honest with me .The others in the group, Toni, Michelle and Paula all know about my feelings for you. It had been discussed many times. If I wanted to talk to them they would be very understanding as they all cared for me so much. You explained that Michelle had that reaction at Melbourne State, not because she was repulsed but because she thought I was finally going to tell her the truth about my feelings for you. I guess I felt grateful that I no longer had to keep a lid on my feelings for you.

I had already been outed and I didn't even know it

So where to from here Alex? I took a chance with you and I don't know where we are heading. You haven't run away from me or rejected me yet. is that what is to come?

in time I find there is a new dimension to our relationship now that it's out in the open. You hold my hand more often than not when we are around the others but never in public. It's 1982 and what we feel for each other is still a sin in many people's eyes but I don't really care because the truth is I love you. I just really love you and because of you my life is filled with rainbows and you are all that matters to me. I love you.