I FOUND LOVE, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE IT

People think that once you find love, the pain disappears.

That everything broken inside of you will magically get stitched back together because someone chose to stay.

But no one tells you about what happens when love arrives and you’re still stuck inside a jail cell of your own mind.

Because that’s where I’ve been.

Loving someone, while still trying to learn how to let myself be loved.

Trying to give peace to someone, while fighting a war within myself.

Trying to smile, laugh, grow while quietly dragging the chains of my past behind me.

I don’t know how to explain it.

Sometimes I look at him kind, patient, present and I want to believe it’s real.

I want to melt into his arms without flinching, without overthinking, without questioning what he sees in me.

But I’ve been protecting myself for so long, I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve been living in defense mode for years.

So now, even when love is soft, I’m bracing for the storm.

Even when someone shows up with open hands, I’m checking for the knife behind their back.

It’s not because I don’t trust him.

It’s because I don’t trust that love can stay.

Not when I’ve been abandoned.

Not when I’ve been betrayed by people I gave my everything to.

Not when I’ve been made to feel like being too much was the reason they walked away.

So now, I shrink.

I overthink.

I disappear when I should speak.

I watch his every move, not because I doubt him, but because I’ve trained myself to survive heartbreak before it happens.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired of being on edge even when I’m safe.

My trauma built this prison.

Every disappointment, every silent cry, every betrayal laid down a brick.

Until I couldn’t see myself clearly anymore only the version of me that had to stay guarded, strong, untouched by emotion.

I’ve created walls so high no one can climb them.

And now that someone finally wants to stay… I don’t know how to let them in.

I want to heal.

I want to laugh like nothing ever hurt me.

I want to hold his hand without wondering if he’ll let go first.

I want to wake up and feel peace in my chest instead of panic.

But healing is not pretty.

It’s not instant.

It’s waking up one day feeling strong, and the next day drowning in fear again.

It’s loving someone while fighting the urge to run because running feels safer than trusting.

I hate that my trauma makes me question good things.

I hate that I hold back when I just want to collapse into love.

I hate that even when someone sees the real me and stays I still feel unworthy.

But I’m trying.

God knows I’m trying.

Trying to be present.

Trying to let myself believe I deserve this.

Trying to open up, even when my voice shakes.

Trying to stop punishing the present for what the past did to me.

He tells me I’m enough.

And some days, I believe him.

Other days, I just smile and nod and cry later when no one’s watching.

But I know I love him.

I know I do.

Even if my love is messy, scared, guarded… it’s real.

And maybe he was sent not to fix me, but to walk beside me while I fix myself.

So here I am not healed, not perfect, not always easy to love

But willing.

Willing to try.

Willing to learn.

Willing to stop living in survival mode and start living in truth.

That I am more than what hurt me.

That I am worthy of love that doesn’t hurt back.

That I can let go of the past without losing who I am.

To every woman who’s scared of being loved:

It’s okay.

You’re not broken you’re protecting yourself the best way you know how.

Let the love in slowly. Cry if you need to. Shake if you must.

But don’t shut it out.

Because maybe love won’t heal you completely.

But it can remind you… you were never unlovable to begin with.