I don't love you

Her name was Jen and I knew from the start that I didn't love her. We worked together at a coffee shop. She was a couple of years younger and I wanted her. She wanted me too. She wanted me more though. You can tell that about a person.

I'm convinced every relationship (unless it's a true one) has what I call the reacher. The reacher is not always the person that is hotter, it's not always the person that has their life figured out. It's not even the person that people will say "oh you're dating up" about. Nope. It's the person that cares more. The person who, at the end, will hurt more. Jen was my reacher.

I don't know if this is true for every one, but I knew it too. I knew she had deeper feelings for me than I would ever have for her, but I kept things going. For a few reasons, 1.) We were working together so, it made things easier. 2.) We were casual at best, so I rationalized that she knew what she was getting into. But she didn't. and really, I knew that too.

Before you decide that I'm the villain, you should know that I think I am too. It doesn't make what I did right of course.

I took her to places she had never been. I acted and acted, and acted. I played my part perfectly and she fell. I'll admit there were moments of clarity where I liked what I was doing. Not the getting her to fall for me part, but the part where I enjoyed our time together. Was that wrong of me?

Now you might wonder what did this poor girl do to me to warrant being broken later? Nothing. She did nothing, and here's the thing, I didn't think of myself yet as the villain. Even when we would lie together in my bed and she'd ask "What are you thinking about" and I'd answer "nothing" even though I was thinking of how I was going to end things.

When did I recognize myself as the villain then? It was when she became vulnerable and I let her be. It was when she opened up about truths from her past. The kind of truths you don't share with a person that you're not madly in love with. The kind of truths that hurt.

I didn't share them with anyone because I'm not an absolute monster. I won't share them now either, see the above reason as to why. It's my only redemptive quality. But she shared them with me, and she can never get them back. That's the danger of falling in love with someone like me I guess.

I didn't want to hurt her badly. But what I wanted more was to not be disliked. So I had to get creative with the break up. Now I've used the 'God told me to' before, and I didn't like the way that felt or tasted. So I figured that by moving across the state that would accomplish a similar task. This way I don't look like a bad guy when I broke things off.

"You're moving back south?" She asked one day. I had mentioned something about going to school down there. I really was tired of the service industry, that much was true.

"Yeah" I said. I honestly thought for a second that, that would be the end of it.

"You mind if I come with?" I wasn't prepared for that question. Or that following discussion honestly. But if there was one justice that I have to myself it's that I didn't drag her with me.

"I don't think that's a good idea"

"Why not?"

"I just don't think it is. What if things end between us?"

"Do you think things are going to end?" Good question Jen.

"No," I lied "but if we do, what are you going to do?" Yeah. She started to smell the bull shit same as you.

"I'll move back I guess. But I mean, it's not really that far, if you don't want me to move, we could try long distance," she said. She was so innocent in that moment I hated the me that didn't love her. I still kind of do.

"Jen" I said. Tears were already starting to well up in her eyes. She knew what was coming.

"So it's over?" She asked. I nodded. That wasn't good enough though was it?

I may be a villain through and through, but I'm at least evil enough to see my plan through to the end.

I wanted to tell her all the cliche's in that moment 'it's not you, it's me' because that was the God's honest truth. I'm the one incapable of love, I'm the villain. I wanted to say, 'I care for you deeply, I just want what's best for you' can't say that though, that'll make it seem like there's a chance later down the road. That also paints me as some type of good guy. Which, I can't express deeply enough, I am not.

"It's over. Delete my number, I don't love you, I never will," It's what I said verbatim. I left her there in the coffee shop parking lot. I never looked back. I deleted her off of social media so she wouldn't have to think about it. A small kindness? Nope. I didn't want to think about it either. It was for me.

I've always wondered what kind of person it is that can remain friends with someone they loved. Because to me, that sounds like torture. Maybe it can work out for some people, but I try to only break a person once. Fully and completely. But only once.

We never talked again.

I'll remember the good times, because some of them were fun. But for her, I hope she doesn't. I hope she vilifies me to the point where I become a caricature of something awful in her brain. I hope that I'm a true villain to her. I hope that she views me as a cancer, a true evil, simply put, the worst.

I hope that she moved on, and found someone that can love her in ways that I was incapable of.

My regret is not that I ended things the way that I did. It's not even that I didn't have feelings for her, because that's hard to help. It's that I stole something from her that's impossible to give back, and if I could place it back in its place I think I would.

Her innocence.