I Am Not a Cheerleader Anymore

Seven years. That is how long I worked hard for five days a week and two hours each day. So many tiring, sweat-dripping afternoons. So many tears shed when I was just too exhausted to keep going, when I was too frustrated because I just couldn’t nail that specific tumbling skill, or when we lost a competition after countless months of late-night practices. So much blood when I endlessly got kicked in the nose while catching my flyer so she doesn’t hit the floor.

For seven years I was a cheerleader and I fit in. It was my entire life, outside of school of course. Ever since I made the competition team in fourth grade, I knew it was my passion. Anyone who knew me in those years would describe me as loving to cheer, and that pretty much wrapped up their description. It is who I was. I shined brightest on the mat. Friends came and went at school, but friendship on the team was a bond like no other.

I went from being a huge asset in winning first-place in state competitions, winning certificates for being the best dancer, having the tightest motions, and loudest yell, being everyone’s first choice in their stunt group for being the back-base because I never let a flier hit the ground in my life, to barely being considered for the team in high school. High school cheerleading was a completely different ballgame than middle school cheerleading. It was extremely intimidating, but I figured I would have no problem. The team consisted of the same girls I had cheered with for years, the only thing that had changed in high school was the skill-level needed to make the team.

After taking a break from cheering during my freshman year, I decided to try out for the fall team which cheers for the football players. The fall team was perfect for people who needed some preparation for the competition team and helps to work on skills needed to make the team. I was so excited to jump back into my old life, but with a fresh new spin on it! When I joined the team, I was treated like any other girl at first. We all had to begin the two-hour practices by running a mile around the track, and then strength training for a half an hour. I had remembered working hard in middle school, but nowhere near as hard as this. Still, I was doing fine, and I loved it.

It was not until the second week in, when I felt that I just wasn’t fitting in at all. The horrible anxiety hit me like a truck. One minute I was laughing and making football signs with the girls, and the next minute, there was a dark cloud which rolled in over my head and the storm began. I knew in that moment that I was not a cheerleader anymore. I almost started crying right then and there. I realized the girls didn’t respect me as a cheerleader like they used to. They had moved on to bigger and better skills, winning first place competitions all while I took a year off. They knew they were better than me and I could feel it. The kindness they portrayed was fake and they only spoke to me when they really had to. I felt like I was going to throw up right in the classroom before I could even finish painting my sign.

It was also our picture day that afternoon, which normally I loved. My face was all red and puffy from crying in the bathroom with a panic attack. I felt so ugly. Everyone else was the epitome of a perfect cheerleader. Their perfect blonde hair straightened neatly and braided into a high ponytail. They all matched each other and were not original in the least, but back then I kicked myself for being different than them. I realized as I watched them get their pictures taken that my hair was a puffy mess from the humidity that day. All I wanted to do was go home. I stood and watched as they smiled with their perfectly white and straight teeth with all the joy in the world of being the best cheerleaders consuming their faces. I could feel my own face getting hot. I reluctantly took my picture and went about my business.

After pictures, we had practice. At first it was like any other, until I noticed the coach started showing favoritism. See, at my school, and probably most other schools, there were certain family names that automatically gave someone an advantage. If your last name wasn’t well known before your time at the school, you weren’t noticed. There were a lot of cheerleaders with those special names, and the coach was not afraid to display her favoritism toward them at all.

The last straw for me that ended my whole cheering career forever was when my coach wanted to change my position in the stunt group for the first time ever. For seven years I had been a back-base and had always been recognized as one of the best back-bases – it was my strong suit. I had never even trained as a side-base because there was never a need for it. All of a sudden, the coach thought that someone else would be a better fit to take my place, and she wanted me to learn this whole new skill, essentially starting all over. It took all the power I had in my body to hold back my tears. Luckily, there was only ten minutes left of practice because the instant I walked out of the double doors into the fresh air, my face welled up and the tears rolled from my eyes. I felt so small.

All I wanted to do was quit right then and there but it was so hard to let go of something I loved for so long. I had to force myself to finally accept that something I once fit into was just not the same anymore and never would be again. I knew I had to let go. The next day, I messaged my coach and told her I would not be continuing anymore due to anxiety of being around the other girls. I had a glimmer of hope that she would try to fix it in any way that she could so I could stay on the team. My coach responded with a message that simply said, “can you return your uniform at the game on Saturday? Thank you.”

My heart sunk and I think that was the most hurt I had ever been up until that point in my life. I sat in my room and cried for days. I did not think I would ever get past it. Consequently, that is when I found an amazing dance company which I tried for the first time that year, and it was a whole new environment. I realized the dance community is a completely different world than cheerleading and I loved it. They treated me like family. That was the year I finally put cheerleading to rest and started my career as a dancer, which is where I finally fit it.