How to Overcome Social Anxiety

On a blog I found this sentence: “I like to keep people at a distance. Because I’m socialphobic”.

I had never put it in these terms but I think it is the most beautiful definition of social anxiety that I have heard: it is all there, the social phobia, in keeping people at a distance. I was disappointed when the friends, towards whom I felt affection, with whom I seemed to be attentive, and I deluded myself that they liked me, then called me “unfriendly”. Well, now everyone knows that I’m unfriendly: woe to those who come near!

Imagine that I have to meet someone, I have an appointment with somene who wants me to partecipate in conferences. Me?! Aaaargh…

Performance anguish! The fear of not knowing how to refuse and the sense of guilt for missing, at the same time, a stimulating opportunity.

Finding an excuse to postpone, helps to relax and for a few days I push the problem into the back room of my messed up mind. In the end, I force myself to set a date on the agenda to call. In addition to being social phobic, I am also obsessive-complusive, I plan everything, I impose duties on myself and I do everything according to self imposed rules and patterns I have established. This helps me to be methodical, to conclude, to carry on my commitments until exhaustion, but it limits my inventiveness a lot and makes improvisation impracticable and anxious.

As the fateful day approaches, anticipatory anxiety mounts. I tell myself that it’s the guy who wants to see me, not me him, that he’s the one who must be uncomfortable, not me. The fear of panic, however — the fear of fear — is always lurking.

On the day of the meeting I wake up agitated, as if I were going to an exam, with a headache threatening to explode, and I can’t wait to get it over with. I would like to be accompanied but I decide that I have to face it alone, that I am a big girl, that always having a chaperone is limiting and certainly does not make me look good.

He receives me in a small room, we are face to face, this is fine for me, interacting with a single person is not too difficult, I would not stand, on the contrary, if there was someone else to observe while I speak with him.

He insists that shyness is overcome with age. I’m about to retort that mine is not shyness but social phobia, then I choose to be silent. He is not a friend, I do not owe him explanations, he should be satisfied as it is. He tells me that there are others who have some qualms and hesitation about appearing in public. Mine I would not exactly define “hesitation” but I smile and change the subject.

Even if I don’t feel loose, I can speak quite clearly and firmly for the whole half hour, I hold the game in hand, I decide with determination what I want and do not want to do: I will attend the most interesting conferences, I tell him, but just as a spectator and, at home, I’ll write something about it. I’ll read his books and review them. He doesn’t pay me, I think, so if he likes it, that’s the way it is, otherwise it’s the same.

When it comes to saying goodbye — always a tragic moment — he must read the embarrassment on my face because it is he who abruptly interrupts and says hello. I leave quite satisfied: this time it went well. Other times, instead, the anxiety had exceeded expectations, here, fortunately, it is lower.

Finally, I leave you with a maxim: do not seek the approval of others — the approval of your mother or father, of your sister, of your boyfriend, of the professors, of your friend. You will never have it. Each of us criticizes and is, in turn, criticized. It is a law of nature, it is in the order of things. So, to the extent permitted, do what feels right for you. Since no one will like you anyway, better be disapproved of because you have done something that gratifies you.