Hi Mom

This is a story about all my mom missed out on and everything I have done and wish she knew before she passed away. She passed away seven years ago. I have done and changed a lot in those seven years.

Let’s start with the big things. The first one is that I got published. I actually published some of my poems. They were not self-published either. A group of people met and discussed my draft and decided they wanted to publish it. That was an awesome feeling.

It has not done well but that is on me because I have not promoted it well. She would have loved that I got published and I know I would have sold more with her helping me promote it. She loved books and reading. We had a library in our house. She would have loved that I keep writing poems. She also would have loved that I have finally broken through and am able to write stories now. Some of my stories she may not have liked because they are dark.

She would have loved that I saved all her hard back books and series. There is one series I need to read that has a lot of characters and is a complicated story. I need to read it before my brain cannot grasp what I am reading. I love that we shared the love of books.

The second big thing is the journey I have taken to figure out who I am. It has been a long journey and I know she would be ok with where I ended up.

Let’s start with coming out as gay. When I told other family members, they were like we know. They said that she knew as well. I would like to believe that. That label did not feel right so I thought maybe I was bi but decided quickly that label did not fit me either.

I final found the right label for me, and I do not know if she would have been surprised with it. To me it made perfect sense. Everything kind of fell into place when I learned about this label and what it was. The label is asexual. As soon as I said it a switch flipped in my head, and it just felt right. My other label is that I am also aromantic. That is a double whammy. Being both basically means that I am looking for a person that is basically a companion that you may or may not have sex with and not romantic with them.

This fits me. I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. With girls I was also put in the friend category immediately. I think she would understand and would think it fits me also. She would be more understanding than other family members. One just does not like me and put me through mental abuse because of it and another kind of understands but does not want me to show any sign of who I am. No LGTBQIA+ shirts, flags, unicorn stuff. I still wear them. I forgot to mention since it is basically a friendship or companionship it can be any gender male, female, transexual, androgynous, anyone. I will be happy if I just find someone because I know I have made it really hard to find someone.

The last secret in the good category is that she might have eventually found out is that I like wearing women’s clothes, bras, shoes, panties. I just like them. I also like makeup and would love to learn how to do it. She would have helped me with that.

I have to say a couple of bad things that she needs to know about. The first is that I got into a wreck in the car she left to me. That car had so many recalls on it that I am surprised that I am still alive. A cement truck hit me in the back. I was hurt some. It messed up my sciatic nerve. We would have shared that problem.

It is what happened after that I wish she would have been there. I was debating whether to sue them or not. She would have been a big help with that. I ended up not suing and I ended up getting the money for my car and a little extra. I got another car, and the extra money is actually how I paid to get published.

The other bad thing was my suicide attempt. I had it planned for a while and about two weeks before is when I had my wreck. I still went ahead with my plans. I think the reason I attempted would have still been there if she was alive. The question is would her being alive helped me not attempt it. The reason is still there today two years later. The difference is that right now it is just a whisper.

I miss you mom. Wish you where still here.